𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

20 | yellow paint

"You can't keep putting yourself at the bottom of the pile and wondering why oh why everything on top of you feels so heavy" [author: wordsbyjem on ig]
She read out loud, making me nod.
"I like this one." She commented in a whisper, having this passionate look she only had with history or poetry.
But all I could think about was the way she felt those words? How could she put herself at the bottom of the pile when she was... her ?

"Oh look at this one." I said taking a new paper, forcing myself to stop staring at her like I was doing.
" They say Vincent Van Gogh ate yellow paint so he could be happy & I wonder how many suns I will have to swallow to feel light again."
[author:a.b.cofer on ig]
I nodded for myself at how freaking good it was. But when I saw her face I realized that wasn't maybe the best one to choose, but it just speaks to me so perfectly. Like I really felt those words.

"A bit depressing don't you think?" She asked lowly, losing her gaze in mine.

Laughing I quickly pointed the paper she previously read. "Because you think yours wasn't Isabelle?"
Damn I love saying her name. It suited her so well.

As she was drawing a grin on her face she quickly glanced to her phone. "Shit, I have to go. I said I'd be back before dinner." I honestly hadn't even realize it was that late.

Nodding silently my conscience suddenly decided to come back.
What were we doing? I was the one crying over her -many times- and here I was, wishing she could stay longer.
Have I already forgotten everything?
I told her about Sarah. How could I tell her about Sarah?

"You're alright?" She asked, interrupting her paper gathering to look at me.
And how could she remark EVERYTHING that happened to me? She was definitely able to read minds.

Smile.
"Yes." I quickly said making her frown a bit.
"Okay, bye."

Then jumping out of my seat I totally forgot to say goodbye to George and immediately left the café, taking a big inspiration when I felt the cold air meet my skin.
I was so fucked up. What's wrong with me?

ღ

After a whole evening of silence, Derek decided to force the words out of my mouth.
"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I replied with a sigh, staring at the television displaying a stupid tv show he liked to watch.

"There is actually something bothering you." he simply stated, not looking mad or annoyed at my bipolar self.

"Well yes." I mean, duh.

"What is it then? I can help."

Somehow his voice managed to calm me down in a matter of seconds, dropping the snappy tone I shrugged, looking down at my hands. "No you can't, because I won't even know how to explain." Because for some reasons, I couldn't think straight with her. I could hate her as much as I wanted, the minute I'll see her my mind will go blank again, making me do and say things I ended up regretting.

"You can always try."

Finally meeting his gaze, I wondered how he could support me in everything I did.

"I... I feel like a stupid bitch sometimes." Everytime actually lmao.

"Why's that?"

"I'm being all bipolar because I don't know what their intentions are and... I'm just... scared I guess." I admitted, releasing my chest from this weight, being careful to not say anything that could betray me though.
"I don't even know why I'm talking about this, let's just watch your thing."