A Touch Of Sin [BxB]

10.

i'm crying. totally not ok rn.

 It's almost two in the afternoon and I haven't moved from my position of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.

I've never felt anything like this. Numb and empty. The worst part of it all is my own words to myself. This whole thing is my fault and it's making my mind go into a dark place that it's never been before.

"You alive in there?" Spud calls out to me.

"Barely," I croak back.

"Do you need anything?" he asks after a moment.

"A noose."

"Come on, man. You'll get through this."

"I don't deserve to."

Spud is quiet for a few moments. "I'm going to the shops. Text me if you think of anything you need."

"Thanks."

I hear the front door close and I exhale heavily. I peel myself from my mattress and my body cracks harshly. I wince and reach for my phone. There are so many notifications. I ignore them all because the only notification I want isn't there.

Knowing it won't do me any good, I dial Jake's number. It goes straight to voice mail which means it's flat, he's out of service or he's blocked me. I'd like to hope it's one of the first two.

I open my windows to let some air in before I shower. I let the cold-water soak through my hair and run down my skin. Body-wrenching sobs wrack through me to the point I grip the wall to stay upright.

I've just dressed when I hear a knock. My heart soars at the possibility of it being Jake.

"Hey," Ellie greets me.

"Hey?" I question.

"I'm glad to see you out of bed and looking okay," she says. "Haze just spoke to Jake."

I step back and she walks inside, a look of concern etched on her face.

"I've only just gotten up."

"I won't ask how you're doing."

"Thanks."

"Let's take a walk."

I don't protest. I throw my wallet into my back pocket and my room key in the other. I follow her down the stairs and squint into the bright light, my eyes needing a few moments to adjust.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I nod. "Yes. But I'm the one in the wrong and I'm not looking to be chastised. I'm doing that fine on my own."

"Okay."

I blow out a breath and give her a recap of what happened. I respect that she doesn't show any signs of judgment as she listens.

"I'm not defending what you did because I'm not going to comment on it, but you have to remember that we're only human Cal and you made a mistake. This mistake is going to live with you for the rest of your life. You might have lost everything because of it but now you'll know to never let yourself have a moment of weakness. In a way, it's kind of good you learned that now. Could you imagine being in this situation after you're married and have kids? Think about how much worse it could be."

I listen to her words carefully. "You're right. It definitely has been a life lesson. I'll never, ever do anything like this again."

She gently touches my shoulder. "Even though the whole thing is terrible, you must feel relieved this isn't hanging over your head anymore."