Scandal | H.S.

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐𝟎

McKenna Prentiss | December 2, 2017

    If I had one word to describe how I was feeling the past week, it's confused. Confused with what I was doing, confused with my feelings, and confused why I'm still with Niall.

    It's been a whole week since the fashion show, and it was finally televised last Tuesday. Fans seemed to have noticed Harry sing "She's my angel", and I even noticed him pointing at me when he had sung that line. I obviously didn't notice it at the time because my back was facing him, but seeing it televised, it made me smile, and all giddy. I'm his angel.

    Ever since I confessed my real feelings to Bella, I started to realize how my feelings for Harry has changed from like to love. Yes, I love Harry fucking Styles. That day we spent in Disneyland was as if he knew, we acted like a fucking couple, even though paps weren't following us.

    The sudden confession made me sick to my stomach with guilt. I've been feeling guilty over the past week because I never had the heart to tell Niall. He was so sweet and understanding and I felt as if I don't have to act weird around him, like I could totally be myself. It's different when I'm with Niall, he makes me feel wanted, cared for, and appreciated, and I know it's not for show.

    With Harry I second guess everything, was he just being affectionate because we might be photographed? Was he being clingy because we're in public? Everything just seemed like it was for show, but with Niall, it was different.

    I've never been in a situation where I had the power to break one, or two, hearts. If I chose Harry, then I would be breaking Niall's heart, and most probably Camille's. I'm not even sure if Harry feels the same way. If I chose Niall on the other hand, then I would be breaking my own. I can learn to love Niall, but the voice in the back of my head will be a constant reminder that I never chose him in the first place.

    This is all so fucking frustrating, why can't I just feel nothing? Can't I just be a vampire and turn off my humanity switch so I wouldn't care who I'm hurting? That's too much Vampire Diaries for one day McKenna.

    I've been stuck in the studio the whole day, well, more like the whole week. Ever since we flew back from Shanghai, I've been in and out of the studio, writing constantly. However all my ideas, all my pages just ended up in the trash, except for two.

    Feelings and Tyler Durden were messily written on my journal, and on my board with all the titles that I want to put in my first ever album. I know if I added Feelings to my album, people might just pick apart at the song and start assuming shit, and if I put Tyler Durden, then Harry is obviously going to know it's him.

    During the first week that we became friends, before the whole PR fiasco, Harry and I hung out at his place, and we watched Fight Club. I had blatantly confessed that I have never seen the movie, and Harry being Harry made me sit through the entire thing. I like it, and it was the first time we actually bonded.

    I head into the recording booth, and picked up my guitar, strumming the chords I had previously practiced for this song.

With my fingers in your mouth
You're only speaking vowels
And I like it
And with your hand around my throat
I don't wanna see you go
'Cause I like it

I took one too many
Now I got to stay up all night
Or else I'm done for
I'm done for

I'm in love with Tyler Durden
That's why this shit ain't never working for me
I'm in love with a fantasy