Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 42

Wei Wuxian willed the mental bond he shared with his husband to open. He was immediately plagued by Lan Zhan's swirling thoughts: "I hope Wei Ying is feeling better now, I can no longer hear him crying, it was breaking my heart. I never wanted to scare him, I do not know what came over me; I just did not like how the others crowded around him while I was not allowed to. I want to have him in my arms and assure him that everything will be alright.

But I should probably not do that... Xichen told me that Wei Ying is now afraid of me. He did not say why but I assume it is because of something I did, he was quite comfortable with the others from what I could have seen. Is it perhaps just me? It is because I was making him uncomfortable somehow? Or he was scared I would drag him back to Cloud Recess and lock him up like my father did to my mother, not allowing him to see our child? Or was he...

Was he scared I would not acknowledge our child, that I would not want it? That I would not be happy with him getting pregnant? I know I was a bit harsh during our last night hunt, but I was simply trying to look out for him, he was not feeling well... Although it is only now that I know it was because of his current condition. Even if I hypothetically did mind him being pregnant, I would never hurt him or the baby! I hope that deep down, Wei Ying knows that...

I should have been more observant, I should have discovered it earlier... There were so many signs of him not being quite himself and that there was something on his mind. I should have inquired for more details, even though he would have probably been reluctant to share them at that point. Why is he so scared? Does it have something to do with Yu Ziyuan? My guess is that it most probably does... The scars he carries are still so deep...

I am sorry, Wei Ying... If I could, I would like to help you forget. But I know it is not all that easy. I am afraid that that the shadow of that beast of a woman would dim his days for a long time, possibly forever... I feel so powerless... I do not know how to best help him..."

The older boy was clearly in turmoil and blaming himself for all that happened. Wei Wuxian could not listen any longer without letting him know that he was alright now. He was feeling extremely regretful to have caused his husband such torment. He called out to him, desperate, self-conscious, scared: "Lan Zhan..."

It came out as less than a whisper, an exhale really, but his soulmate was still able to hear it. Wei Wuxian could almost feel the older boy physically perk up. He did not think he actually deserved all his care and love, he had hurt Lan Zhan so badly after all, he could however not berate himself over it right now. He had to see his husband this instant.

"Wei Ying?" the Second Jade sounded vulnerable, Wei Wuxian never heard him speaking in such a fearful yet tentatively hopeful manner. Tears started welling in his eyes again but he would not let them fall this time.

His heart made a somersault out of sheer happiness that the older boy responded and was not blaming him for everything he did. He already blamed himself for causing so much grieve to his husband but they could go through that later, he had to say what he needed now: "Yes, Lan Zhan, it is me. I am sorry for worrying you so much, I really am. I have made a promise to you happy and stay with you but it seems I have already broken it. I wanted to protect you from... well, my fears...

I should have never left you in the dark and tried to deal with it on my own. I should have talked to you from the beginning, when I realized that I was probably pregnant. I had so many opportunities to talk to you; or anyone else if I was too scared... I never took any of them and then it was too much and I did not know what to do anymore; so I run away to protect our baby. I am sorry for causing you so much pain..."

"Wei Ying, you do not have to apologize; it was not your fault. Nothing was, you were just too distressed to see clearly. I should have noticed... The blame is on me. You do not have to apologize for anything, not to me." Lan Zhan's inner voice was now finally back to its usual calm and determined one.

He then continued in a more apologetic tone which his husband hated the most: "I am sorry I let you think I did not want to have children. I just thought that you were not ready yet, after everything that was done to you... I should not have assumed and let you believe you had to protect our child from me. I promise to never put you or our child in harm's way and that I will always protect you, if you let me that is. If you will be more comfortable without me by your side, I will respect that decision."

It warmed Wei Wuxian's heart. He was nearly convinced that the Second Jade would never hurt him or their baby but it was still reassuring to hear it from his own mouth. However, he could not let his soulmate blame himself, when nothing was his fault. "Lan Zhan... I would not like anything more that to have you by my side again. And unless you get tired of me, to have you with me all the time so we will be able to spend our lives together."

"Wei Ying... I am coming!" the older boy said no more. And he did not really have to, Wei Wuxian was already getting up to go meet him.

He tried to crawl out of the bed. Lan Xichen, surprised by his effort helped him up and steadied him until he was able to stand up on his own. Wei Wuxian did barely register the others in the room, he had already wriggled himself out of the First Jade's hold, darting towards the door.

And there he was, his perfect, loving husband, tired, with his hair in disarray, but with a faint smile on his lips and tears in his eyes. Lan Zhan made a half-pained half-eager sound and run towards the Yunmeng Jiang head disciple. Wei Wuxian quite literally threw himself at his soulmate and buried his head in his chest, crying bitterly all the time they could not be together because of his rash and irrational decision.

All tension left the Second Jade's shoulders as he lifted him, and the younger boy immediately made himself at home in his embrace. He wanted to spend the rest of his days curled in the older boy's arms, never letting him go again.