Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 4

Lan Wangji was getting more and more worried for his husband. Wei Ying's changing behaviour and mood swings were nearly daily occurrence at this point and he was not well equipped to deal with them; him, who had hard time decrypting his own emotions. He believed his brother that the Yunmeng Jiang disciple only needed time and his love, but now he was even rejecting him.

One afternoon when he came back from tending to his duties, he found his soulmate huddled under the blanked in one corner of the Jingshi, sobbing heartbreakingly. He tried calling out to him through their shared mental bond: "Wei Ying, what is wrong? How can I help you?" The only result he got was finding out that the younger boy was blocking everything out. He sighed, this would be more difficult then.

He approached cautiously, and warmly coaxed his soulmate: "Wei Ying. I am here." The younger boy did not react; he did not even acknowledge his presence. The older boy extended his hand and put it onto the other boy's shoulder. The Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple froze, curled more into himself and cried even harder.

Lan Wangji retracted his hand and went to sit by his guqin, released his pheromones and played his and Wei Ying's song. To no avail, the younger boy would just not calm down. After a long time, the sobbing finally stopped, Wei Ying cried himself to sleep. The Second Jade's heart was breaking as he carried his soulmate to bed, tugged him under the sheets noticing how thin the Yunmeng Jiang disciple had become once again.

"Wei Ying, why will you not tell me what is on your mind? Why will you not talk to me? Have you come to hate being together with me? Have you come to regret your decision to marry me? Or is there a part of your past that is still haunting you which you are not ready to talk to me about? Or are you not happy here in Cloud Recess? Please, just talk to me, I will try to make it all better. If only I knew what is wrong..."

Lan Wangji was at the end of his wits, after weeks of watching his soulmate so unhappy and vulnerable, it could not go any longer like this. Wei Ying was visibly suffering but refusing to confide in him.

"Or is it because this time his past is too terrifying to talk about? He already told me so much, I did not think there was anything else... How do I help him through it? It hurts knowing that he is rejecting me, although unwillingly as I would like to think; he already suffered alone several times to protect me. He is not sleeping nor eating well... What do I do? It cannot go on for much longer; he would get sick...

Perhaps I should take to him see a healer... No, he would surely reject the idea, he is still too self-conscious about his second gender being known by others. I should try and get Wen Qing to come and have a look at him, surely he will not refuse her. That is my only option, I will write to her and ask her to come as soon as possible. And I could probably also get Xichen to talk to him in the meantime; I am no good now when Wei Ying has closed off the mental bond, but brother always had his way with words, hopefully he can get Wei Ying to open up to him."

He willed himself to stop looking at the sleeping Wei Ying and to do what he thought was necessary. It was still before the curfew so he decided to first go find his brother. He was cursing his lack of communication skills; now that the younger boy had closed off their mental bond, he was feeling the loss greatly. It never bothered him this much before, only after he discovered how convenient it is to be able to explain himself clearly.

He found Lan Xichen in the Library Pavilion, studying secret music scores in the forbidden chamber. He made sure to close the door behind himself and put a silencing talisman on it, he did not want anyone to overhear their conversation. When he approached, his brother lifted his head to look at him and with alarmed expression showed him to sit down.

"Wangji? What is wrong? Why are you this distressed?" Lan Xichen asked as if he knew exactly why the Second Jade came to find him.

"Truly, brother can always tell what I am thinking. He knows me well; I hope he will be able to help Wei Ying." Lan Wangji took a deep breath to sort out his thought and tried to explain what was weighing on his mind.

***

Lan Xichen was sitting in the library, he came to the forbidden chamber to contemplate and to not be disturbed. He was worried about his brother and Wei Wuxian, their union seemed to have become quite sour these last few weeks. It was not that they did not love each other anymore, they were still seen together, holding hands and fondly gazing one another in the eyes when they thought no one was watching, but sometimes, they would behave oddly.

Sometimes Wei Wuxian would be unusually silent and Lan Wangji would have a very worried expression. He did not know what caused this change, however he did not like it. the Second Jade was more and more often distracted during his duties and sometimes Lan Xichen would even hear disciples gossiping about his brother's mistakes and forgetfulness. Of course, he quickly silenced the gossipers, but he paid more attention to the newly married couple from then on.

Sure enough, he found them behaving out of ordinary more than once. Lan Wangji also came to ask for advice, looking tired and distressed. At first, Lan Xichen thought that it was just the change of routine that made Wei Wuxian act differently, after all, he had just gotten out of Yu Ziyuan's clutches and a life-long abuse, he surely had a lot of things to sort out and get used to.

Now however, it was becoming very concerning. It had been weeks and Wei Wuxian was not getting any better, and according to his brother's frequent sighs, it was even worse than before. Lan Xichen wanted to find some more healing and soothing music he could recommend to Lan Wangji to help ease his worries and help the Yunmeng Jiang disciple to deal with whatever he was going through.

Suddenly he felt a presence approaching him, he was too deep in thoughts before, he did not even notice that someone came into the forbidden chamber. He looked up and sighed in relief when he recognized his brother. Lan Wangji's expression was even worse than the last time he saw him, although to others his face would appear the same as always, Lan Xichen could see the expressionless mask crumbling and falling off.

His brother seemed extremely shaken, his eyes were full of worry and the black circles under them betrayed his fatigue, his shoulders were hunched and stray strands of hair were lining his face; so much unlike his usual appearance. Lan Xichen knew he came to talk about Wei Wuxian and ask advise again. He gestured for him to come sit beside him and gently urged him to speak: "Wangji? What is wrong? Why are you this distressed?"

For a long while, there was only silence. Lan Wangji seemed tense, looking at his brother with frustration. "Apparently Wangji cannot find words to explain what he came for. It must be hard for him, I need to read between the lines and help him to express himself somehow." Lan Xichen understood his brother perfectly after the long years of decrypting his emotions and minute expressions so he tentatively asked: "It is about Wuxian, am I right? What happened?"