Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 49

This chapter contains graphic description of past forced abortion, I have put a warning at the beginning and at the end of it, please skip this part if you should be triggered by this topic

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan were laying down in the bed in their room in Lotus Pier. The Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple was tired by all the events of the day and the excitement of seeing his sister after so long. He was glad they were able to make it back before she gave birth, she seemed too worried for him to actually worry for herself and her baby. She would be able to take better care of herself now that he had returned.

The Second Jade could tell that something was weighing on the younger boy's mind; he could pretty much guess what it was, but he did not want to stir too many emotions that his soulmate could not handle in his current vulnerable state. He had promised he would wait until the other was ready to open up to him, so wait he would.

Wei Ying was stirring in his arms, exhauster but clearly unable to fall asleep. The older boy was soothingly massaging his lower back and pecking light kisses on his neck and shoulders. However, nothing seemed to work, the pregnant Omega was still restless.

Suddenly, Wei Ying gave out a small whine and sat up abruptly, putting his hands around himself as best as he could possibly manage. Lan Zhan was startled by the movement and rose as well. The younger boy scurried backwards to have his back to the head of the bed and pulled his knees up in an attempt to curl into himself. It was a pitiful sight which made the Second Jade think to three days ago when he saw his soulmate for the first time after a long while in a similar position.

Lan Zhan's heart was breaking when he saw his beloved so scared and defensive again. He could feel that the younger boy wished for his proximity and touch but was afraid of it at the same time. He was at a loss, he had no idea what to do.

After a while, he heard Wei Ying's muffled voice came from between his knees, he sounded vulnerable and unsure, barely whispering: "Lan Zhan... would you... would you listen to me?"

The Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple could no longer bear to be silent, he dearly wanted to confide in his husband, to reveal the horrible truth in its entirety. The older boy offered to listen to him whenever he was ready and he could not bear the burden alone anymore. After all the reassurances he got from his soulmate, he was sure that the other would not judge him and would support him all the way.

Lan Zhan knew what was coming and understood that Wei Ying would need all the support he could offer. He reached out and gently prompted the younger boy out of his defensive position and placed him into his lap, draping a blanket around the both of them.

The Yunmeng Jiang disciple did not wait for his husband's response; the older boy's actions were proof enough of his intentions. He took a shuddering breath, braced himself, already trembling slightly and told Lan Zhan the reason of his panicked escape.

*** Description of past experience start ***

I told you already that one time, Madame Yu brought me to a brothel and what happened there. When she came for me and dragged me back to Lotus Pier, it took everything I got to pretend that nothing happened in front of everyone. I managed somehow and life went on as usual.

Some time later, I started to have difficulties with my stomach, especially in the mornings, and my heats stopped being regular. I thought I just got sick or that Madame Yu gave me one of her medicines again so I did not pay it much attention. When it was already a month or so from the first time it happened, I started worrying that there was perhaps something seriously wrong and I was thinking of asking Madame Yu to let me see a doctor.

Before I could muster enough courage however, I was not feeling so sick anymore and I all but forgot that it ever happened. I went about my life as usual for a few weeks.

One evening, when I was waiting for my usual self-restraint training, Madame Yu came in and when she saw me naked, her eyes went wide and she paled. If I did not know any better, I could have thought she was scared. Then she told me to stand up and started talking. It did not make much sense to me at that moment, she was saying that it was technically her fault I was in that condition and that she had to take responsibility. She then lectured me that if this happened ever again, the one responsible would need to do the same as she was about to.

When she was done with her speech, she told me to wait and went out. When she came back, she handed me a small bottle and told me to drink it. I did not know what kind of medicine it was; it was not the usual heat-inducing one. When I finished it, my mind became muddled and I lost consciousness.

When I came to, I did not know how long have been passed out nor where I was. I looked around and saw that I was still in the discipline room, what scared me even more was Madame Yu looming above me with a knife in one hand and some blooded mass in the other. I thought I saw something resembling a tiny limb but I could not have been certain.

I believed I was dreaming because when Madame Yu noticed that my eyes were open, she actually caressed my cheek gently as if to console me and held my head as she helped me drink some water. I fell unconscious again after that.

When I woke up the next time, I was back in my room, laying in my bed. For some reason, my body was sore and I had a pretty bad headache, this was nothing unusual however. I tried to get up only to find Madame Yu's hand pressing me back down and telling me to rest. The movement stirred my wounds – as I had to be wounded to be in so much pain – the worst was between my legs. I remember wondering what kind of training Madame Yu administered for me to be bedridden and being cared for by her.

She did not let me out of the bed for almost two weeks. During that time, I was feeling very odd, like something was missing but I could not tell what it was. Once I was allowed outside, I went back to my duties as if nothing happened.

It was by some strange coincidence, pretty long after everything had already slipped my mind, that I overheard two servants talking, one in tears and on the verge of a break-down. They were talking about one of them getting pregnant and then being forced to get rid of the baby. She described the process and her experience. At that point, I finally understood what had happened and that Madame Yu actually interrupted my pregnancy.

I was feeling devastated for some reason and I have spent the night crying bitterly, mourning the child that I would never meet. I have started avoiding babies ever since, not being able to look at one when I could not have the same privilege because my child was unwanted and had to die before even seeing the light of day.

*** Description of past experience end ***

"From that day on, I have never forgotten what Madame Yu had told me. How she lectured me that if I ever got pregnant again, I would have to go through that experience again and it scared me. Then I have met you and I thought everything would be alright, but... You know what I did; the memories came back and I have acted rashly, driven by my fear."

Wei Ying finished his narration and fell silent. His tears have already soaked into the blanked and Lan Zhan's robes; they would have to change both of them before going to sleep. He did not think he would have any more tears, everything happened so long ago and his mind forced the memories to fade. But he still cried for the child he had only seen once.

The younger boy felt a weight he did not know he was carrying being lifted from his shoulders, confiding in his husband was very liberating. It felt so good that he was actually tempted to tell Lan Zhan also about the circumstances during which he had run away; he was still blaming himself for his past actions and he wanted his husband to know that he would never behave the same way ever again.

My Beta is unfortunately really busy at the moment so the next chapters will not be proofread as thoroughly as until now, sorry for any inconvenience