Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 20

Wei Wuxian could already see his destination on the horizon, sharp rocky mountains and vast forests were spreading as far as his eyes could see. He barely remembered the times he lived here with his parents, before Uncle Jiang had taken him in. Those were fun and happy memories, although foggy, he was still very young then.

Now came the harder part of his journey; he had to find the cave where they used to live. He knew it was inside a small grassy hill and there was a creek not far away. He would have water supply nearby and he would be able to hunt in the surrounding forests. First however, he had to find the right place.

He never saw Burial Mounds from the sky, with his parents, they always travelled on foot with their donkey. He was trying to spot any significant orientation points he remembered just as his body was steadily losing its strength, his limbs were getting heavy and he was barely able to keep himself flying. His eyes went blurry once more, only this time it was no longer caused by bitter tears, he stopped crying long ago and the wind had dried his face, but by exhaustion.

When he felt he could not keep himself standing for another minute, he started descending. It was not too soon; he wobbled, his head spinning and he was falling. Fortunately, the ground was already only several feet away and his fall was cushioned by a small bush.

He woke up disoriented, thirsty and his head was killing him, aching just as the rest of his body. He very carefully sat up and reached for his qiakun pouches with supplies. To his horror, he had only one left, the one with a blanket, a meagre quantity of food and hunting equipment. He searched around but could not find any of his other pouches, only paw-prints of some small animal which disappeared at a feet of a nearby tree.

He searched until it was dark but there was no trace left. At least he found a small pond full of fresh water and some wild berries that could accompany his dinner taken out of his meagre supplies. He only now realized he was starving, his last meal at the banquet was only a distant memory.

He sighed, there was no helping it, he would have to do with what he had left: "This is not starting good. How will I be able to survive here without any supplies? Without food, I can manage, I still have my hunting necessities, and there are also wild fruits and berries here; it will be fine. I have only one blanket however and winter is already approaching. I cannot use my spiritual energy to warm myself up the whole time, just look how exhausted I was after only a while...

Should I go to town and try getting some warm clothes there? No, impossible! I do not have any money on me right now and I cannot very well steal, the people in Yiling are not rich, they are worse off than me. And anyway, I cannot let myself be discovered just because of a little discomfort. When I find the cave, I will be able to hide there and the cold will no longer bother me. Hopefully the fast depletion of spiritual energy is only temporary and will pass just like the nausea did. I am sure I will be able to manage for those few months."

He was too tired to do anything more that day, and it was already dark too. He took out his remaining blanket and made himself comfortable with his back against one of the trees for protection and his sword within arm's reach.

He could not fall asleep for a long while, he was cold and he was already missing his husband's embrace and warmth; he wanted Lan Zhan to be there with him. He knew it was impossible however, he had to endure. He imagined how great it would be if Lan Zhan was there with him, if he would accept his condition, not as a curse but as a blessing, if he would kiss him lovingly and said that he was looking forward to being a father.

He knew it could never become reality but it did not hurt to dream; Madame Yu made it very clear that Alphas had to take responsibility about the unwanted offspring of their Omegas. And the Second Jade did say Wei Wuxian did not need any babies.

Thinking of Lan Zhan, he felt a very strong desire to just go back and be with his soulmate, his whole body was tingling with the sensation, it was almost unbearable. He shuddered and curled more into himself under the blanket. He was resisting the stronger and stronger urge to go back. In the end, he cried himself to sleep after several hours berating himself for being weak and useless, just as Madame Yu always told him.

When he woke up, he was still felling weak and dizzy, his stomach hurting, but decided to go look for the cave he barely remembered from his earliest memories.

He was searching the whole day, barely steady on his feet; he was still exhausted and did not recover at all during the night due to his recurring nightmares. He was already familiar with them but it did not mean he was any less scared or that he could sleep any better. He spent the whole day looking around for any familiar landmark, no such luck, he did not recognize the area.

When evening was approaching he finally found a cave entrance hidden behind a big rock. He went inside to inspect it, he did not want to spend another night outside, cold and fearing that a monster or an animal would attack him in his agitated slumber.

After inspecting it thoroughly, he confirmed that nothing and no one was living inside. He even found a hollow part of the stone wall where he could keep water supply for several days. It was as good a place as any he would find out here in the Burial Mounds. It was not unlike the cave he inhabited with his parents.

He was too tired to continue with his search and his stomach was too irritated to eat anything, he even threw up during the day. He curled on the hard ground and covered himself with his blanket, already planning ahead: "I could very well stay here if I find a water somewhere nearby. I could search for several years without finding the cave where I used to live with my parents. Burial Mounds are enormous and there are not many orientation points to go by. This is good enough.

Tomorrow, I should go find water and perhaps hunt if I would feel strong enough. I should probably use the traps I have brought with me, my spiritual energy is for some reason still low, I should not waste it on tasks that could be accomplished by normal means. I wonder whether that is due to the pregnancy as well...

I wish Lan Zhan was here and we could figure this out together... No, definitely not! I would never subject him to this... But having anyone here to talk to would be great. It is too quiet, I feel lonely. I would love to ask someone what is happening with my body and whether the baby is safe and sound... Perhaps being this weak and exhausted and feeling this dizzy all the time is normal. But what if it is not? I need to figure this out. Hopefully, I will feel better after a good night's rest..."

Wei Wuxian fell asleep in the middle of his contemplation, still worried and sad. He was not sure what the next days would bring but he was sure of one thing: he would protect both his husband and his unborn baby to the best of his abilities.

That meant staying away from Lan Zhan until the baby was born, and it was already this hard only after a day, he was feeling torn on the inside, ready to jump up at any moment and fly back to Lotus Pier or Cloud Recess or wherever his soulmate would be at the moment, throw himself into his arms and apologize for running away. He was fighting hard to find his resolve to stay.