Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 50

This chapter contains mentions of attempted abortion and self-harm, please be warned and proceed at your own discretion

Wei Ying took a deep breath and decided that he may as well say everything. He was ashamed of his past behaviour but wanted to confide in Lan Zhan nevertheless. He would hear all the scolding afterwards, now he had to lift the weight from his chest. He also wanted the older boy to understand that he was not thinking the same way anymore and loved their child deeply.

Without waiting for any reaction, he continued his monologue: "You know, Lan Zhan, when it was confirmed that I was actually pregnant in the hot springs, I was beside myself with fear. I firmly believed that if you knew about it, you would have to take responsibility so the child would never see the light of the day.

I was not thinking straight, I tried to hide my condition from you. I was convinced that if you knew we were having a baby, it would hurt you... it would break you to do what you had to; at least according to Madame Yu's words. At that point I still believed that the baby was unwanted on your part, but I was worried because you would have to hurt me and I know how much you love me, I am long passed doubting your affection. I wanted to spare you that pain and I decided to take care of it on my own. I know now that it was such a stupid thing to do, but at that point, it felt like it was the only passable solution to the problem.

The night I have run away, I went to one of the lakes with a dagger, determined to end my pregnancy myself before you ever knew about it. But... I have talked to Shijie during the day and she let me feel Jin Ling moving in her stomach and... she said it was because he liked my voice. Just as I was about to do something unforgivable, our baby moved for the first time.

That is what knocked some sense into me. Until that moment, I saw our baby just as a thing, a problem that needed to be dealt with, but right then, I fell in love with it; it was living and who was I to deprive it of its future? And I knew that I could not lose the child, ever. I started to be afraid not for myself but for the baby, so I have run to where I knew no one would find me.

I could hardly believe it when Wen Ning found me and said that everyone was looking for me and knew about my pregnancy. I was so scared again, I was sure that anyone who knew would act like Madame Yu and take the baby away from me. That is why I acted as I did when you came to see me in Yiling.

To tell you the truth, I am still afraid that I will do something rash again and hurt our baby. You know how I am, first acting and then thinking. And babies are so soft and fragile... both now and after their birth... I am scared still. I will do my very best but I am not convinced that it would be enough in this case, I have literally no experience with children. I hope you will stay by my side so we can figure this out together."

Wei Ying's heart was breaking from remembering how he almost threw away their current happiness. He wrapped his hands around himself and wept quietly. He dreaded Lan Zhan's reaction, the older boy had been completely silent and unmoving throughout his narration and even now, he did not move a muscle, it seemed like he was not even breathing.

The Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple wanted to turn around and see the Second Jade's expression, he could tell the older boy was overwhelmed and in turmoil. He just hoped he was not mad at him for hiding the truth for such a long time and for his past stupidity, and also for selfishly requesting his assistance and guidance in child rearing. It took a long while however to gather his courage and actually face his husband.

***

Lan Zhan was frozen solid, he could not believe something this terrible happened to his husband without him ever knowing, he understood completely why the younger boy had run away. He was sure that he would have acted in the same way would he be the one with the baby.

What broke his heart completely was Wei Ying's confession that he was ready to harm himself and the baby for his sake. He could not believe how close things were; fortunately, the younger boy did not accomplish his act and had run away instead. He was thanking all the gods who would listen for their intervention and to the baby as well. Be it not for the perfect timing, they would now be mourning instead of celebrating.

Lan Zhan had difficulty breathing, he clung to his trembling soulmate for his life and was not able to say anything. He knew he should reassure the younger boy right now as he was getting more worked up by his silence; the stress was no good for the baby. However, the Second Jade was at a complete loss, he was still trying to process what he heard and was imagining how everything could have ended in ruins just because he was not attentive enough and failed to notice Wei Ying's pregnancy.

The Yunmeng Jiang disciple finally turned around, worry written all over his face. The older boy only noticed that he was crying when his husband reached out and wiped away his tears. "Lan Zhan... I am so sorry. After everything I did, I do not seek forgiveness, I only want you to know that I love you and our baby above everything in this world. I promise I will never try anything like that ever again. I let my fears get the best of me and I forgot that I could talk to you about everything... I am such an idiot; I am not?"

The Second Jade did not want to hear any more apologies; he knew fully well what fear could make people do. Although he was happy to hear that the Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple loved both him and their baby, he would not stand for his husband to ask for forgiveness for something he had literally no control over. Lan Zhan could feel that the other was still blaming himself for his actions but was trying hard to not let it be heard.

He finally managed to find his inner voice and hurried to interrupt his soulmate's negative words: "Wei Ying has nothing to be forgiven for. Remember? No need for Thank you and Sorry between us. I do not want you to beat yourself up over this, the most important is that you and the baby are fine. You can always speak to me about anything at all, you do not have to apologize. Know that I will protect you. I will stay by your side, always. I will never let anyone hurt you, ever. You can always count on me, you and our baby, I will protect and support you both, I swear.

I know as a fact that you will be a great parent. You have already protected our baby this long all on your own and I can see you are determined to do your best also in the future. I am the same; I have no prior experience. But we can ask people for help, I am sure it will be fine in the end and our child will grow up strong and healthy."

He released his calming pheromones to show his sincerity as Lan Xichen had thought him. He did not want Wei Ying to stress over anything at the moment, he need him to calm down and preferably forget anything bad happened at all.

The younger boy seemed to be of the same mind as he curled closer to him and released his own pheromones. Lan Zhan nearly drowned in them, he was not able to smell them for such a long time, ever since the Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple started acting strange all those months ago; he was extremely emotional, he actually let his tears fall once again.

Wei Ying looked up and smiled at him and the Second Jade knew everything would be just fine when his husband proposed: "Lan Zhan, I know I did a lot of stupid things these last few months... It is a lot to ask, but could we just forget about this and move on? Could we start over and enjoy the happiness that lays ahead?"

"Mn," was the older boy's only response, but it carried with it all the meaning and love he wanted to convey to his beloved.

The Yunmeng Jiang head disciple brightened instantly and send a wave of content and loving feelings through their mental bond: "You really are too good to me, Lan Zhan." They were both exhausted after the confession and all the emotions after that, they soon fell asleep in each other's arms.