Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 16

Wei Wuxian sat by the pond a while longer, steadying his resolve and planning how exactly he would be able to accomplish his goal. He suspected that once he was gone, the others would most probably search for him, especially Lan Zhan: "Where could I go? The place needs to be far away from residential areas so that no one would rattle on me and I would not be discovered. It should however not be all that desolate of a place, I still need to be able to feed myself and the baby and get help if there should be a serious problem. It should also not be too far from here; with my body in a condition it is in right now, I cannot make a long journey without being noticed and leaving tracks..."

He was considering his options, and then it hit him: "I can go back to Burial Mounds; I have spent a lot of time there with my parents when I was still young. We lived in a cave there, not all that far from Yiling. It should still be there. If I bring some necessities, I could probably fairly easily survive there until the baby is born. It would be impossible to keep it, but I will find it a nice family to grow up in, I will then be able to go back to Lan Zhan's side and support him from afar..."

Wei Wuxian's heart was breaking at the thought of abandoning his baby, there was however no other option for him to protect it and to also protect his husband from having to deal with his problems. Once he was set on the plan, the Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple's determination grew. He knew that he had to depart immediately or he would hesitate and everything would be lost.

He wiped away his tears with his robe's sleeve and stood up. He went back to the still sleeping compound; fortunately, there was no one in the vicinity and he was able to sneak around and get a hold of several qiakun pouches that he filled with living necessities, especially food which would not go bad in just a few days. He was thankful that he had the presence of mind to having put on his outer robes when he went out.

He stopped in front of the door to his and Lan Zhan's room. He desperately wanted to see his husband for the last time before going away for months, but at the same time, he did not want to see him. He was afraid that his determination would waver. In the end, it was necessity that obliged him to go in after all. He needed his sword for the journey and Suibian was on the table inside the room.

Wei Wuxian made sure to be as quiet as possible, he did not want to wake Lan Zhan, he would then have to pretend to be going out for just a while and that would mean being found out immediately in the morning. If he left like this, without letting his husband know, if he was lucky, he would have several extra hours before everyone would start searching for him.

He did not like the thought of deceiving the older boy, the situation however required such measures. He knew he was being selfish but he was soothing his conscience by telling himself he was doing it for Lan Zhan and for their baby. And it was not for long, he would come back in a few months and everything would be hopefully fine once again; he did not want to think about any other possibility such as Lan Zhan not loving him anymore or him being too furious about his disappearance to welcome him back or him finding someone else and more faithful than Wei Wuxian.

The Yunmeng Jiang disciple shook his head, he really had to stop entertaining all those negative thoughts. If Lan Zhan could not accept him back after his return, so be it, he would save at least one of his loved ones.

Calmed down now, he quietly opened the door and tiptoed into the room. His sword was laying on the table where he left it in the evening. He grabbed it, and turned back to the door. He hesitated, the urge to go see the older boy for one last time overtook him despite him knowing it was not a good idea. Steeling himself, he took one step towards the door before stopping again.

In the end, he could not resist and made his way to stand above the bed. A single ray of moonlight illuminated the older boy's face and Wei Wuxian could not believe again that he was allowed to love such a perfect human and that his love was being reciprocated.

He was torn inside: "Lan Zhan is such a good husband to me and he is very righteous. What if I told him about me being pregnant? Perhaps he would listen to me and understand? Perhaps he would allow me to stay with him until the baby is born and then help me to find it a foster family? Perhaps... No! I cannot bet the life of our child on a meagre possibility. Madame Yu made it clear, any unplanned and unwanted child needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. I was not the only one, I have seen some other Omegas in the same situation. At that time, I did not know exactly what was happening, but I do know now; and I will not let it happen again." His determination back and his foolish hopes buried deep, he had one last longing look at his soulmate.

He felt an enormous urge to just let everything go, get into the bed and be close to his husband. He knew it was a dangerous idea, however he needed some more reassurance and good memories before his journey; he leaned closer to the older boy's face and kissed him feather-light on the lips. It was not satisfying enough but it was the best he was going to get. Now he would need to endure on his own before he would be able to come back to his husband's side, he already dreaded the separation.

Without any other unexpected incidents, he exited the room, taking one last long look at his sleeping soulmate's face. Once outside, he rested his back briefly on the closed door and gave out a big sigh, there was no way back now. His urge to snuggle with the older boy and forget the whole world was slowly dissipating.

He headed out of Lotus Pier, avoiding all guard posts and silently thanking Jiang Cheng for his brother had kept everything as it was before. He had enough experience sneaking out at night, it was easy.

He made one more short stop in front of the new servants' quarters where he left a message for Lan Zhan, some of the servants would be probably able to give his letter to the Second Jade later that day and that it would help his husband to worry a little less, at least he hoped so.

When he was out of sight of any possible watchful eyes hidden in the darkness, he mounted his sword and flew away with tears in his eyes and fighting painful sobs that threatened to erupt any second now. He endured for a little while longer, he did not want to alert anyone about his departure. He let himself go only once he was sure no one would hear.

He picked up the pace, mindful of his meagre reserves of spiritual energy; he had no time to restore them after yesterday's exhausting journey to Lotus Pier. He hoped that he could make it to the Burial Mounds without anyone noticing him and before his forces would be completely depleted.