Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 15

Note: The second part of this chapter contains mentions of past and planned abortion and planned self-harm (they do not actually happen in this chapter, just thoughts about them), feel free to skip this part if you should be triggered by these topics

Wei Wuxian was enjoying seeing his sister this happy during the banquet and while accepting everybody's congratulations. He had already offered his when he and Lan Zhan came just after lunch, he did want to be one of the first to talk with her. In his rush he only barely noticed that Lan Zhan had disappeared somewhere, probably to talk to his brother or something; he did not care too much, he knew the older boy would not be gone for long.

When they have arrived, Wei Wuxian still out of breath and covered in sweat due to fatigue, he felt for a second a prickle of envy and pain; Jiang Yanli was proudly letting everyone see her swelled belly while he had to hide it even from his husband.

He quickly put his feelings aside, this was Shijie's day and he did not want to ruin it with his morose moods: "It cannot be helped after all; Shijie is a Beta and is now bearing the next heir of the Lanling Jin sect. And looking at her and Jin Zixuan's faces, the child is very much wanted. It cannot be compared to me; I am just an insignificant Omega bearing an unwanted child. I should not think like this! This is Shijie's celebration; I am here for her, not to dwell in my own self-pity neglecting her!"

He quickly went to join his sister in the swarm of other people and servants. When she saw him, her face brightened even more and she run to meet him halfway. Wei Wuxian gently embraced her and gave his congratulations while teasingly scolding her: "Shijie, you should not be running around in your condition. What if something happened to you?"

Jin Zixuan joined them and the Yunmeng Jiang disciple let go of Jiang Yanli so she could snuggle into the arms of her husband. He looked critically at the Lanling Jin disciple: "Young Master Jin, you should take better care of my sister. I will not stand for her to not be treated as the treasure she is."

Jin Zixuan nodded solemnly which surprised Wei Wuxian but Jiang Yanli reprimanded him with a laugh: "Oh, A-Xian, you worry too much. Me and the baby are fine. There is still a month or so before I would really need to start acting more carefully."

The Yunmeng Jiang head disciple was both surprised and relieved, after all, he knew close to nothing about pregnancies, but he believed his sister to take good care of his unborn nephew or niece: "Alright, alright, Shijie, you know it best. I will say no more."

Suddenly, Jiang Yanli yelped. Both Wei Wuxian and Jin Zixuan looked at her, alarmed, trying to see what could be wrong. She quickly put her hand on her belly and smiled with delight as she grabbed both disciple's hands and put them on the same spot where her own was just moments ago. They both looked baffled, scowling at each other when they realized their hands were touching in a very intimate way.

Then Wei Wuxian's eyes went wide with surprise, he could feel a slight movement under his sister's skin. It took him two seconds to understand what was happening. The child in her belly just moved. She smiled fondly and put her own hand on theirs: "See, A-Xian? The child is healthy. It likes your voice."

The Yunmeng Jiang disciple's eyes were wet with tears, he smiled brightly back at Jiang Yanli and felt extremely emotional at her words. "Shijie..." he started with a moved voice, he could not continue, completely overwhelmed. His sister seemed to understand and she quietly patted his head.

Their shared moment was interrupted by Jiang Cheng's scolding voice: "Wei Wuxian, do not hug her only to yourself, I want to congratulate her too. Also, your husband had just dragged Wen Ning somewhere, I cannot find them anywhere. Go help look for them, or they will miss the start of the banquet."

Wei Wuxian stepped back to leave space for his brother, teasing him all the while: "Yes, yes, make way for the fearsome Yunmeng Jiang sect leader."

Jiang Cheng scowled at him only to decide he should let it go and focus on their sister: "Whatever. Just go fetch the other two."

The Yunmeng Jiang head disciple smiled one last time at Jiang Yanli and run off to look for his husband.

***

Wei Wuxian woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and with a silent scream stuck in his throat. He dreamt about Madame Yu standing above him with a knife again. His heart was racing like crazy and his head was spinning. He looked at Lan Zhan, luckily, the older boy was still asleep. Very carefully so he would not wake his husband up, the Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple got out of the bed and went out of the room. He needed to clear his mind otherwise he would not be able to go back to sleep anytime soon.

He made his way to one of the Yunmeng Jiang clan's private ponds in the back gardens, far away from the residential buildings and hidden behind a thick cover of reed. He was sure that no one would disturb him there. He sat down on a short Pier, his feet dangling above the surface of the water.

He was thinking back at his sister's happy expression and the cheerful celebration: "How great it would be if I was also allowed this happiness... But it will not happen, I need to take care of the child in my belly before I would not be able to hide it anymore. I do not want to force Lan Zhan to deal with it, it would surely break his heart.

Madame Yu could have done it easily, she hated me, but Lan Zhan... he loves me, it would surely ruin him to have to get rid of the child with his own hands... Madame Yu said that it had to be done by her because she was the one to cause its existence so Lan Zhan would have to do it this time... But I will not let him, I better do it myself."

He reached inside his clothes and took out a small but sharp dagger he grabbed on his way to the pond from the storage room near the training field. He started to play with it, looking how moonlight reflected his image on its surface. Only while looking in the makeshift mirror did he realize he was crying.

"I should not be sad. Although I know there is a child growing in my belly, I did not see it nor do I have any connection to it whatsoever. It should not be this hard to gather my courage to do what must be done. It seemed fairly easy when Madame Yu did it, just one cut and it was over before I knew it... I do not have the drug she made me drink with me, but it will be alright, I can bear a little pain now..." Wei Wuxian was having an inner battle, he knew he had to do what he had to do, but he was scared and strangely sad at the same time. He was desperate and did not know what he was really supposed to do, what was the right choice.

Finally, after what seemed to him like an eternity, he gathered his courage and opened the front of his robes. With a severely trembling hands, he positioned the dagger above his abdomen, ready to strike.

"Sorry," he whispered with broken and hardly audible voice into the cold night, he did not know who he was apologizing to but he just had to say it. His vision was blurred with tears and his hands holding the dagger were shaking even more than before.

Suddenly, he felt something move inside him. It was extremely faint but he recognized the sensation, it was the same as earlier that day, when his sister let him touch her stomach. The baby he knew nothing about just moved.

He was astonished; he never could have imagined it would feel this wonderful to know that the child inside him was indeed alive: "What did Shijie say earlier? That the baby moved because it liked my voice. Does that mean that my and Lan Zhan's child also likes my voice? Perhaps it... likes me?"

Wei Wuxian felt horrified and disgusted with himself: "Just what was I about to do to another living being? There is nothing purer and more innocent than an unborn child. And I was going to deprive it of its future... Despicable!"

Only now did he realize he was still holding the dagger, he eased his grip, his hands were not cooperating, as if they did not belong to him anymore. The weapon fell out of his hands and landed with a loud splash in the water. Wei Wuxian observed the small waves the impact had caused.

He was thinking about all the possibilities his child could have should it have a life to live. And he knew he could not let any harm befall it, never, he had to protect the innocent life growing inside of him at all costs.