Letting go of self-restraint 2 - All that is missing is a little one

Chapter 3

Wei Wuxian woke up to an appetizing smell of breakfast. He was alone in the cold bed, yesterday's morning with Lan Zhan only a distant memory at this point. He quickly got up and made his way to the table. He could not eat much in the morning the day before but now he was hungry and it was after all only a one-time nausea, he did not feel sick anymore as the day went by.

He took up his chopsticks and wanted to dig in when his stomach turned against him once again. It was worse than yesterday but he was alone in the Jingshi, there was no need to pretend. He grabbed an empty bowl and unceremoniously threw up into it. He would need to clean it up later, he was just glad he managed to not soil anything else.

The smell of the food was making him even more sick so he shakily stood up and went to open one of the windows, scrunching against the frame and taking deep breaths of fresh morning air. After a while his stomach finally stopped bothering him so he decided for another attempt at breakfast. It was not a good idea he discovered only seconds later when he returned to the window with another bowl in his hands.

He gave up afterwards, only quickly cleaning all the mess and leaving the meal on the table for later. He knew that Lan Zhan would come back for lunch so he still had plenty of time to either eat it or dispose of it, depending on the state of his stomach. He hoped that he was not ill, his golden core took care of minor illnesses so if he really was sick, it would be something more serious.

He was fortunately able to eat just two hours later and he did not experience any discomfort during the day anymore. It was quite strange but he opted for not telling Lan Zhan, he did not want to worry him. He would wait for a few more days and if his condition should worsen, he would tell him then, he decided.

When a week later things stayed the same, and his nausea was already a part of his daily activities and his always regular heat still did not come, Wei Wuxian started worrying. He clearly remembered when this happened in the past and what were the consequences. He had to hide this from Lan Zhan at all costs, he did not want anyone to find out.

It was getting increasingly difficult for him to fully open up their mental bond, his head was overflowing with thoughts of what would happen should anyone come to know; and it terrified him. When his fantasy brought before him the image of Lan Zhan accepting his condition and even, in some cases, being happy about it, he was over the moon with happiness although he knew that would never happen.

He had enough of false hope, he knew he would be the one suffering in the end if he so much as dared to believe it. He could not let himself be swept away by his quickly changing emotions. Due to his unstable mind, his nightmares came back and now he would wake up screaming every second night.

Lan Zhan was apparently very worried, he did not cease to ask him what was wrong and how he could help. It was really sweet of him but also a torture for Wei Wuxian who was running out of excuses and was getting more and more afraid of his husband finding out.

It was still not sure whether his suspicions were grounded, he consoled himself in the dead of the night when the older boy was hugging him and humming into his ear to coax him to go back to sleep. It could still be just a normal illness that would go away any time now.

Since the sickness only had hold of his stomach in the mornings, he could go about his daily activities without much problems, apart for those few hours. It was not like he could go to just any doctor to ask for advice, he still kept his true second gender a secret. Even if he went to see Wen Qing or Wen Ning for consultation on his condition, he was terrified that even they would act as Madame Yu did; he could not go through that again, never, he would rather seclude himself far away from anyone.

***

Lan Wangji was extremely worried. For few weeks now, Wei Ying looked sickly and pained in the mornings and he did not eat his fill when they ate breakfast together; the Second Jade was wondering if he ate his meals at all when he was left alone. Some days it was fine but sometimes the younger boy would leave the Jingshi in a rush and the Gusu Lan sect disciple could hear gagging noises from the outside.

He started thinking that perhaps his cooking was not to Wei Ying's liking anymore and tried to change things up by preparing different dishes every meal. The younger boy looked surprised but did neither enjoy nor reject anything.

Lan Wangji was getting desperate and in the end he asked him what he would prefer. Every time Wei Ying named a dish, the Second Jade would dutifully cook it for their next meal only to be told that it tasted funny or that the Yunmeng Jiang disciple did not want it anymore, enumerating a list of reasons for not eating it. At several times, he had observed the younger boy munching on carrots and other treats for the rabbits when they were feeding them.

This behaviour greatly surprised him. It actually shocked him so much he went to consult his brother about it, but Lan Xichen only gave him a smile and told him to be patient, that everyone had a right to change their preferences and that perhaps Wei Ying was just going through such a phase. After all, his childhood was not an easy one and he perhaps did not have much experience with various diets and needed to discover his favourites.

Lan Wangji was not completely satisfied with this explanation, however it seemed as a plausible enough reason to let the younger boy do what he wanted. He was only making sure that Wei Ying would eat at least three times a day, no matter the time and dish he chose. He did not want the younger boy to become sick due to starvation again.

He sometimes questioned the results of his efforts as overtime, the Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple was becoming more and more moody and tired. He was visibly irritated by simple things, including Lan Wangji's remarks on rule breaking which he used to make fun of, at one moment and overly happy and needy the other.

His night terrors also came back and it was becoming a regular occurrence for them to spend half their night awake. The older boy was guessing that perhaps his terrible memories came back but he did not know the reason for it. Why was Wei Ying regressing so much? His emotions were all over the place and sometimes he would have a haunted look on his face until he noticed the older boy staring at him and he would then quickly hide his distress behind a smile.

The Second Jade did not know what was happening to his husband and how he could help him through it.