The Photographer - h.s

"I'm fine"

Harry

"Harry, isn't it like... almost midnight in London?" He asked me, his face twisted in confusion as I turned the lamp on beside the bed and sat on the edge.

"Mitch, I fucked up." I said and he sighed and gave me a sympathetic look.

"Oh god, what did you do now, idiot?" He asked and I shook my head, I'm not in the mood for his stupid name calling shit and being a smart ass.

"Mitch I'm serious. I ran into Emily today. After me and some guys for lunch we went to a bar for some rounds and I ran into her..." I said and his eyes went wide.

"Oh no, oh no no, tell me you didn't really..." I pressed my lips together and nodded slowly. "Harry, this is the woman who cheated on you, this is the woman who left you ruined... and you went and slept with her?! So I stand by it, you are an idiot."

"Shut the fuck up, Mitch. Victoria found out-"

"Everyone found out."

"It really hurt Victoria..."

"Well, yeah, I would imagine. So what the fuck happened?" He asked and I took a deep breath and shook my head in disbelief that I'm even in this position.

"I went out with my friends, got a few drinks and started feeling good, and having fun. A few more drinks later and Emily walked in with some friends. She said she wanted to talk and her apartment was still in the same complex that she was in when we were together, right around the corner. We went there to talk, and one thing lead to another..."

"Oh... Harry."

"Oh wait, it gets worse. I came back home, still buzzed, to find that she had made dinner for us and set the table, ate alone, and then I came home and she... she was angry. I've never seen her angry like that before, I hated it."

"Good, you should hate it, and she should be angry. You two have been doing this weird dance for the last 6 months where you're clearly in love with her and won't admit it. You told me you slept with her the other day, and now you're seen leaving your ex girlfriend's apartment. She likes you Harry, and you know that, even if it's just some small assumption you had." He said and i raised my eyebrows and shook my head.

"I never said she didn't have the right to be upset and angry, she should be. Hell, I'm pissed at myself, I just, I don't know what to do. After we started going back and forth, she walked off to one of the guest rooms where, I'm sure, she'll be sleeping tonight." I told him and he nodded to let me know he's listening.

"Harry, you need to go to bed. You need to fully sober up and get some rest before you try to talk to her, she needs some rest too and some time to just... feel whatever she needs to right now and probably call her friend, like you did with me. Just give her the night to herself and try tomorrow." He was right, we needed time to cool off separately and organize our thoughts, I just hate that she's just down the hall, feeling hurt and feeling angry because of me, and I need to stop myself from trying to fix this with her right now. It's killing me not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow morning, I know she's mad, and I know she's hurt- hell, I would be too.

"Yeah. Okay." I told him and he nodded a little. He was right, there is no good that can be done from either of us right now until we can process it ourselves. "Thanks, Man. Night." I said blandly and hung up before he has the chance to reply and set my phone on it's charger. I got off the bed and changed into sweatpants and brushed my teeth, and ran a washcloth under water to wipe my face.

I climbed back in bed and pulled the covers over my legs and laid in the large bed alone, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what Mitch said. There is no excuse, I did a shitty thing. I slept with Emily, and on top of the poor decision making on my end for hooking up with an ex (and terrible person), the look on Vic's face when she asked and didnt receive an answer, was gutting.

I reached over and turned the lamp beside me off, leaving me in darkness as I closed my eyes to try and get some sleep and get past this night.

-

I woke up to the sun beaming against the shades in the windows, muffling the light entering my room. My body felt heavy and my head felt foggy, but last night still rang very loudly in my memory. I reached over to check my phone and I opened a text that I got from Sarah at 7am.

From Sarah 🥁:
Now, I'm not gonna say anything... but if YOU wanna say something feel free, bc Mitch won't say anything and I am confusion

I rolled my eyes and sat up in bed and got up, shoving my phone in the pocket of my shorts and made my way to the kitchen to make coffee. I put a pot on and poured the grounds into the filter and then let it behind brewing. The house was quiet with the exception of the coffee maker trying its best behind me. I took a seat on a stool at the island and opened my phone and waited for the coffee.

The pot was filled about halfway when I heard the soft sound of feet walking on hardwood behind me. I stood up quickly and turned to around and saw Victoria standing at the edge of the kitchen looking very uncomfortable as her hands fidgeted at her sides. I had this plan in my head for how I wanted to approach this, but seeing her now... I have no idea what to say.

"Victoria..." was all I was able to say and she raised her eyebrows and looked at me, waiting for me to say something... anything. She walked by me and grabbed a mug from the cabinet and poured herself a cup of coffee and returned the pot to its home before turning to walk by me. "Victoria... can we please just talk?" I asked and she froze and turned to me and sighed, nodding slowly. We walked to the living room and she sat on the couch, I pulled the ottoman from in front of the large leather chair and pulled in over in front of her and took a seat. She kept her gaze on her hands and I took a deep breath, trying to steady my nerves.

"I just... I know there's no excuse, and you have every right to be pissed, and hurt." I stated and she kept her eyes on me as she waited for me to continue. "I... I know you don't care who she is... but I figured you'd want an explanation so... she and I were in a relationship for a while when I made this my home base like, maybe 2 years ago. We were together for about a year and-"

"Why did you break up?" She interrupted and it was so nice to hear her voice.

"She uh.. she cheated. For about 6 months she was seeing this other guy she went to university with and it... broke me apart. We were about to get a place together and... the details aren't important. I was out with my friends yesterday getting lunch, and we ended up going to a pub and, a bunch of rounds later... she walked in. I was going to avoid her, I didn't want to see her let alone talk to her, but when she approached me she told me she needed to talk to me. She wanted to get some things off of her chest, so I went with her. We started talking and she offered me another drink, I was already pretty drunk so I said no, and then one thing lead to another.... I don't even remember how it happened. And... it's no excuse, I fucked up, it was entirely my fault and I'm not gonna try and blame it on drinking, or feeling vulnerable or some shit. I fucked up, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you." I told her softly. She didn't show any emotion on her face and she looked down to her hands and fumbled around with the ring on her right hand.

"Harry... I just- what are we even doing? We aren't together... you can sleep with whoever you want, it was unfair of me to react the way I did-"

"No. It wasn't unfair, and it wasn't irrational. You are allowed to be mad at me, it's all completely valid even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else... even if it doesn't make sense to you." I told her and she gave a small nod and looked at me, her eyes were tired and she looked so... defeated.

"Harry... I think I'm gonna cut my trip here a little short, I have a flight booked for 5 tonight. I just... need a minute to think." She said and my heart sunk. I feel like absolute scum, she was so excited for this trip and to come to London and she's leaving 3 days early because she needs some space from me. And I understand where she's coming from, but I just want to fix this and I don't think I really can right now.

"Okay, I understand." I said quietly and hung my head low for a moment before looking back up to her and pushing my hair from my face. Her eyes were glassy and red and as I looked up at her she looked down to her hands quickly and took a deep breath. She was about to cry. My chest feels so tight and I feel such guilt and shame, I've never seen her cry before and the fact that I'm the reason she's about to right now is the worst feeling. "Victoria..."

"Just- I'm fine." She said as she stood up and turned away from me walking back down the hall, probably to go gather her things.