The Photographer - h.s

-your best friend

Vic

On Friday I decided to call Jeff and announce my permanent leave from tour, as my mental health declines, the motivation to simply make a sandwich felt like a monumental task. He was upset and worried, and after an hour on the phone trying to get our ducks in a row and figure out how to add Mackenzie to the call, we made a plan. Mackenzie will be staying as my stand in, and they have already made a call to a make up artist to take Mackenzies place so she isn't ripping herself in two pieces trying to do both. Of course, the call with Sarah was hard, but she understood and assured me that we will FaceTime each other as much as we could while they were away. Mitch told me he would take care of telling Harry, and I shouldn't worry about anything happening over there while I try and piece everything back together.

The hardest part was on Sunday, when I started packing all of Arlos things into a box. The treats, the food, all the blankets I got for him, and the bed that sat in my closet i was saving for when he finally came inside... it still has its tag on. He never even got to feel the true comfort of having a home, and having more than just a balcony to sit on, with that weird girl that talked too much. He was the first one I met when I moved here, he visited me a few times every week for months, until he started coming every night, and after that first year I saw him every morning for breakfast and every night for dinner. He wasn't mine, but I loved him for every second of what we spent together, and my biggest fear is that he died thinking I had just left him behind forever. He didn't know I was coming back, and the thought of him even thinking that I had forgotten about him, while he was laying outside waiting to be found... it could rip me apart at the seams.

The part that makes me feel the worst? I can't even just fully feel the loss of  a piece of this family I made, because I'm sharing this grief with the feeling of getting punched in the stomach every time I think about Harry, and the guilt of leaving all of my best friends in another country without me. It also hasn't helped that he's called my twice today.

I'm sure Jeffrey told him the change in the team, and I've already talked about it with Sarah, and she was with Mitch, and I told them what I told Mackenzie, I told them I would appreciate it if they could keep things hazy with Harry, to not share what I'm doing and trying to handle with him. He shouldn't feel like he has some sort of tab on me, he lost the privilege of being involved with what I'm doing and how I'm living my life when he made his own decisions, he has to deal with the consequences.

I decided to actually get up and get ready today to go grocery shopping and get out of the apartment. It felt refreshing feeling the sun on my skin and the warm air and fresh air in my lungs over the stale apartment with the dead plants I need to take from their pots still. Every step felt a little heavy, but the California weather made it a little easier to bare the weight.

The vibration of my phone broke my train of thought and I quickly came back into myself and grabbed my phone from my pocket and saw his name across the screen, I sighed and slid the call button over and held it to my ear.

"Harry..."

"Vic- I uh.... I didn't think you were gonna answer." He said slowly

"Then why did you call?"

"Uh... well.... I guess just in case you did."

"What do you want?" I asked coldly and I heard him sigh through the phone.

"You left... permanently. You didn't have to leave because... I fucked up-"

"Okay, I'm stopping you there. Contrary to your arrogant beliefs, not everything is about you. I didn't leave because of you, I left for me. I left to handle me. I didn't leave because some stupid fucking guy hurt my feelings. I don't even know why you're calling, my emotional shortcomings aren't your responsibility... remember? So do us both a favor, and just.... Just leave me alone, Harry." I hung up and shoved my phone back into my pocket and paused for a moment, I no longer wanted to go to the store, I wanted to go back inside and get back in bed. I fight the urge to turn around and I carry myself to my car, I no longer wanted to go to the store, but I needed to do something with the weight of the grief that's crushing my chest.

-

I pulled into the small patch of gravel on the side of the road and grabbed the small bag of things I got at the store on my way here and climbed out of my car and started on the path into the woods. I took the short hike up to the opening over the cliff and took a deep breath and looking over the city. Remembering the last time I was here, the times I've been here with Harry, this is the place I fell in love with him...

I took a seat on ground and pulled the notebook from the bag and one of the ones at the bottom. When I was going through grief counseling when I lost my dad, my therapist taught me that sometimes it's best to write it down, to write out letters to these feelings and never send them. Just to make them real, so here I am, trying to name these feelings and write to them and acknowledge that hurt. But the only person I can write to is the one who I love the most, so I begin...

Dear Arlo,
I want you to know that I have never loved anything the way that I have loved you. I know you weren't technically mine, but you always came back... you had every opportunity never come back, but you always did. You were my very first friend when I moved here 3 years ago, you were my best friend. I know that it must feel like I forgot about you and I just left, and I'm sorry for that, I hope you could understand my video calls, it made me feel better thinking that you did. But I could never forget about you, you were my favorite model to shoot, my favorite company to smoke beside, and my favorite breakfast and dinner date. It feels very empty not waking up and coming outside to give you breakfast and sitting beside you with my coffee as you ate, and I'll hate sitting on the balcony and eating my dinner alone... you took a little piece of me, and I will never forget you. I'm so sorry that you never got the chance to feel truly safe in a home, but I hope you felt one just with me.

I love you forever,
-your best friend

I took a shaky breath and I flipped the page and started another.

Dear Harry,
I don't even know how to organize these feelings. You have disappointed me on every occasion that you had a chance to rise and failed. I remember sitting at a dinner table in your apartment in London, with a table full of food only to find out you were sleeping with some girl- Nope, sorry, Emily. I am just, so absolutely stupid for believing things wouldn't end up the same, Sophia told me over and over again about how this should happen, and I defended you every time. I have trusted you with some of the biggest pieces of myself, I have sat beside you with my biggest fears on display, and you took it and threw it all in my face in just few minutes. When you stood in front of me and looked me in the eyes and had the audacity to belittle me and to dismiss everything and not even flinch... you showed me just how much you cared, and I sit here in the place I fell in love with you, where we sat together countless nights pointing at silly little lights, I can't help but feel so much anger. I remember you told me on that beach that you were so angry all you saw was red... everything was red except I was golden. Well... how arrogant are you now you son of a bitch? Because I fell for all of it and you didn't follow through. Now all I see is blue and it feels like I'm drowning. How am I supposed to keep breathing with the crushing weight of the death of my only family here, and the overwhelming feeling of... not being enough? Betrayal? Rage.

I wish things were different
-V

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
I love you all so endlessly. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you 🫀

All the love
-r