good things fall apart • sirius black

3rd Febuary 1975

Usually, I'd say something stupid.

I've been sat here for ages trying to think of something stupid to say. Something to make up for what I did. You've got more important things going on than bothering about little old me, but I had to clear my conscience by writing this and trying to apologise.

I bet you're laughing, Sirius Black apologising? I know it's a big day... But truly Cubby, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for what I did, for what I said, for the way I treated you, for the way I treated Reg. I've made amends with him, but I think he was more worried about you having to leave school so suddenly. Call me a pillock, a bastard, an ugly fuck (though not that ugly). Because that's what I am. An awful person and even worse friend.

Not once did you say anything about me and Jessica, or me and Jennifer, or me and that other one. The names all mush together in my head, three Js, what was I thinking? But as soon as you kiss someone, I freak out.

And it was me freaking out, if it wasn't obvious.

It's embarrassing to admit and I'll regret putting this in, but I don't want to lose you to Regulus. I really don't. But I also know how selfish that is. You're allowed to be friends with whoever you like, so I've decided to stand down. If you want to be friends with Reg (and I emphasise 'friends', because he's too young for you) I won't butt in anymore. I promise.

But, I have a secret to tell... I didn't really write to talk about my brother. Shock, horror, gasp - let out all the emotions, don't worry, I can wait...

Remember when you didn't believe I had any reason to be worrying about you? Well, I do now. And it's making me sick.

I won't pretend to know what you're going through, because I could never understand it and I bet you're sick to your teeth of people giving you sympathy. But I do know you Cubby and I know exactly the expression that will be written all over your face. I know that you won't have been eating, or sleeping either. I know you've probably not uttered a word for weeks. I know that you probably feel empty, and all I want to do is be there to fill that void for you. There's no way I can make this better, but I can't sit here at school knowing you're not okay.

And you don't have to pretend for me, I know that you're not.

Every fibre of my being longs for you to be back in my arms, where I can hold you and keep you safe from the cold. The stars don't shine the same without you and I'd rather not see them so dull, but I can't sleep either. Instead, I'm just stumbling alone in the dark. It's like the colour has been drained from the world and all light snuffed out. I need you back here to make me feel alive again. Because you really make me feel, and I'm lost in this horrendous storm without you. If you were here, you'd take my hand and tell me that it's okay to let yourself drown in the chaos sometimes. But you're not here and I can't bare it. I really can't bare it, and I need you to come back and block out all the noise in my head.

Those sea green eyes are too far of a distant memory for my liking.

See, I can be poetic when I want to be... But don't show anyone that, Jamie will take the piss and I don't want him getting the wrong idea. I'm still on my female hiatus and I won't break it. Not even for you Miss Cubby.

I did mean every word though. My world's not the same without you around and I want to be there to help you through this. It seems so cruel that all you do is help me with my things and I can't be there to help you with yours. The universe is playing a sick joke and I won't have it - my next letter will be to the Gods, that's for sure.

I'm not expecting you to reply to me, because I'm not even sure you'll forgive me for our argument yet, but I'll ask you a few questions just to be polite:

Are you lonely at home? Because if you are I'll force them to send me to you, I'll pull out my Black wrath if I have to, and I've been practicing my sneer; Have you had pancakes recently? I've been eating double for you at breakfast every morning, and honestly, I think I'll be fat soon; How many times do you think Evans has hit James with her textbook since you've been away? It's quite a low number really, she's taking pity on us, I'm sure; And finally, what would you say to me coming to stay for the most of summer?

I threw in a few stupid questions, since I couldn't think of anything stupid to say at the beginning and I hope it made you laugh. Your happiness is so precious to me, you know that, right?

However, the question about summer is a real one. I don't care if you protest (though I can't imagine why you wouldn't want my gorgeous face around), I'll be coming whether you like it or not. We'll do nothing all day but lie in the sun - you can get those golden sparkles back running through your veins and maybe I'll even get a little tanned too. James can join in if he's lucky, but I'd rather it just be us. Like that day by the Black Lake at the end of last year. Perhaps I'll be able to make you feel as happy as you made me feel then.

I will ask for your forgiveness before I finish this letter, and I really hope I haven't messed this up so badly that we'll never be the same again.

I'm an arse, I know.      

But, remember that light in you and come back to me, Beautiful.

The letter from Sirius was the last one she read, and tears streamed down her face as she tried to write a reply. Hands shaking constantly, it was difficult to keep her handwriting neat, ink splotches scattering the parchment. And whilst she didn't sign it, she knew he'd know it was from her.

It's alright, you can be an arse.
I'll still like you.