Alive//H.S

Hurts so bad

Well let me tell you that it hurts so bad
It makes me feel so sad
It's gonna hurt so bad if you walk away
Why don't you stay and let me make it up to you
I'll do anything you want me to

im so sorry guys....

Lila Rose

The bus ride seemed to be a lot shorter than usual, and I don't know if it's because I couldn't sleep, or if it's because the thought of doing another show tomorrow morning sounds exhausting.

Our hotel seemed to be closer to the stadium we were at before than usual, and the second I got up to our room, Harry by my side, I was ready to collapse on the bed. I know I have to get better for Harry, I know I do, but sleeping is the only thing besides him right now that is keeping me alive. Harry held me for a while in the shower, telling me how proud he is of me, and how much he loves me, and all of my scars. I love this Harry, the quiet simple, non-Kendall liking Harry with his big beautiful eyes and curls of chestnut.

He makes me so happy just at the sight of him. It's crazy to me how much I can change my mood at the simple sight, and even the simple touch. I've been thinking back to the night it almost ended, and how much changed in me the second he walked in. It's almost the same as the first time I let him in, and let him see what was going on in my head, and how much it had changed. I brushed my hair at the vanity, him pulling on some clothes, and walking up behind me to kiss the back of my neck.

"M' gonna go out with the crew tonight...you wanna come baby?" He asks quietly and I shake my head, turning around and jumping into his arms, squeezing him so tight as he giggles into my neck. I don't want him to leave, but I'm also excited for him to be able to get away from me tonight, and just hang out with the boys.

"Is Kendall going?" I mumble, his hands squeezing the flesh of my thighs, and he shrugs. "I dunno...I'll probably just stay around Mitch tonight," he says and I nod, not being able to ignore the way my chest stings.

"Call me if you need anything, okay, my love? Promise me," he says as he kisses around the apples of my cheeks, and I grin, sucking on a spot on his neck.

"Promise," I whisper, kissing his lips, and breathing him in longingly, holding his curls in my hands, cuing them around my fingers as I let my tongue explore his mouth. "I love you," I whisper, letting him settle me on the end of the bed, kissing my forehead before making his way towards the door.

"I love you so much, lavender," he grins, and I happily give him a wave, watching him leave and flopping back on the bed in exhaustion, deciding to have a relaxing night after the week I've had. My book I'm currently reading is almost finished, and since I have the time I decided to just read some before ordering myself some ice cream from the front desk, snacking on it as I watched a movie.

Sometimes I feel like I'm different when I'm without Harry, not in a bad way, but I'm more capable of doing things myself when he isn't always doing things for me. I called Clara later in the night, telling her about our show and how Kendall was, and how much it oddly seemed to freak me out that they were talking again.

I've had maybe one ex before Ian, and I couldn't ever imagine myself talking to them while in a relationship with Harry, because to me those things don't matter, but maybe it's just the way he is. Harry's too caring of others sometimes, getting himself in deep shit for trying to fix something that just can't be fixed, and I think that's what he's trying to do with Kendall.  I don't mind having her come around every so often, but it's just triggering my ptsd from the girls Ian would bring home with him, and how much that had hurt me.

I managed to fall asleep before Harry got home, but I woke up when the door opened, and I can hear him humming his usual tune, singing quietly but he stops when he sees me open my eyes and I squint up at him sleepily.