Alive//H.S

Everything Has Changed

And your eyes look like comin' home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
And you'll be mine and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday
Is everything has changed

Lila Rose

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like so much has changed in less than a day. I hate knowing that Harry kissed her, and that he liked it. I hate standing on stage beside him in front of a crowd of the people who love us so much, knowing that so much is wrong.

I love him, I will always love him, but right now I can't even look at him.

I feel his eyes on me, and I know he needs me to talk to him, but right now I'm trying so hard to not let this sink into me and my scars like everything else does, because if I do, no one will be there to stop me this time.

The show went okay, and I stood my distance away from him, letting  myself try and get him out of my mind. I made my quick way off of stage, walking with Mitch to keep myself distracted, and I walk straight into my dressing room, pulling on some more comfy clothes, trying not to look at my scars, scared that they'll make me crave that again.

"Go out to the bar with us tonight, tulip, I don't want to leave you alone," Mitch says, brushing my hair back, and I shake my head, sighing.

Last night was the worst night of my life. I slept on Mitch's couch, and I woke up four times with nightmares, Mitch having to cuddle me back into his bed, holding me close and I just needed Harry, but I couldn't see him. I needed him there for me so bad, but he kissed her. And I couldn't get past that. I wanted him to be there and help me shower and calm me down with his warmth and talk me through breathing, and I wanted him to be there to kiss me. But he wasn't there.

"I'm gonna go take a bath...read for a little...I'll be okay," I whisper, and he gives me a knowing look.

"Tulip...," he starts and I shake my head at him. "I'll call Clara, it'll be okay I promise," I whisper and he gives me a knowing look, kissing my cheek.

"I love you," he smiles and I hug him. "I love you too, Mitch," I whisper, squeezing him tight before letting him go catch up with the rest of the crew, and I take a car back to the hotel, going into my room alone.  I hate being alone, I haven't been alone since three months ago when Harry and I weren't anything more than just friends. And now I'm alone again.

I called Clara while I took a warm bath, telling her about everything and listening to her wrath of anger over Harry, but I reassured her everything would be fine, and we'd talk it through. At least I hope we will. The bath was nice, but for some reason it wasn't the same as with Harry. It's colder without him. I did make sure to wash my hair really well, all of the hairspray starting to get to my thin blonde hair, and I braided it in some French braids so it would be all curly tomorrow for our long bus ride in the early early morning.

Sometimes I hate Jeff for his timing. Why do we have to wake up at three am to sit on a bus for eight hours? I mean I don't mind but still like why.

I pulled on some shorts, yet again ignoring my scars, and a sports bra, crawling under the bedsheets with my next book, one I got with Harry, and I let my mind escape. Reading has always been my escape, no matter what. I was so upset after my dad dies that I read for two days straight, and that made everything somehow better, so why not use it now.

I know my dad is watching us go through this, and I know he knows how hard this is for me, but I also know that he's proud of me for getting this far in life. I was so suicidal when I met Harry, so so so far gone without someone there, and he stepped in to help me. He stopped everything just to help me.