Alive//H.S

Afterlife

Oh, what a terrible thought
'Cause I've lived without you once before
We don't, we don't have to do this again
Please don't, please don't make me start this again
And oh my love
Your beauty will consume me in the end
It was only ever you
It was only ever you
My baby, it feels like a lifetime
Oh God, I don't think I could do two

THREE

Lila rose

Why would someone you give your life to give up in the matter of seconds.

I love him, and he claims he loves me too, but by the way he's standing there and letting this just all happen is proving to me that he isn't in love with me anymore, and that's the most painful feeling in the world. He stood by the door and he cried as if this could be hard for him, as if he wasn't the one doing this. I know he's saying he's doing this for me, but if he were doing this for me then he wouldn't be making me feel the way I do right now.

I currently laid on Mitch's bed, him talking to me as I sit in my dress, getting ready for our third to last show, a dark purple dress on and some pumps, but I didn't feel beautiful. I felt like a whale. I felt like a disgusting piece of shit. I felt like there could've been something that I could've done many different times in our relationship. I wish he would tell me what I could've done to fix this, and what I could've done to keep us together. I wish he would've told me why he was doing this to me, after everything we've been through.

I just had to stand there and cry, and listen to why he would do this, saying and claiming that I wasn't who I'm supposed to be, and that I'm not who he wants to see grow, but he also said at the same time that he wasn't doing this for himself and that it was for me. This wasn't for me, this was bad for me.

"Lila," Mitch says, standing by the door, and he nods his head towards the hallway, and I stand, following him out, each step i take filled with the most excruciating pain, but I feel as if nothing a note was going to feel as good as his love did. He doesn't love me any more. And I have to get used to that.

I want to change, just to prove to him that I can get through anything and everything without him. It also may be proving what he's saying right, but I'd rather grow from this than fall...again. I close my eyes when I hear his voice, tears coming to my eyes almost immediately and I feel his eyes on me, the cold elevator walls around me and he slips inside, but i don't look at him. He clears his throat, saying something to Mitch under his breath, and mitch replies, but it's too quiet for me to even hear them I walk far behind them, picking at my phone case as I watch him walk, and he seemed so okay.

He didn't seem like this took a hit on him at all, it seems as if nothing happened at all, like last night was a fever dream, and we were okay, but I knew we weren't. He had said he didn't want this anymore, and now I'm sitting beside him on the bus in our seats, and I've never felt more sick in my life. He was completely still as I stared ahead, my hair brushed behind my shoulders and the tense energy in the bus was so sad, and so different than just days before. I feel lost, like I've been left alone again by someone I never thought would do this.

I know Harry's right deep down, I know I need to grow as a person...but I was willing to make changes in my life so I could grow with him, and make those changes together. He was going to be there with me through it, and now I'm going to be without him. The worst part about it is that I love him with every part of my being.

____

"Everyone to stage!" Jeff calls and I stand by stage, all glammed up and ready to go, and Harry stood a ways away, staring out into the crowd, his hair perfect and his skin was so shiny and just so perfect. I wish I could talk to him right now. I wish I could forget everything that's happened. I want to hug him and just stay in his arms for the rest of tour, I want to make a home with him and I want to keep us together. But it's not going to happen anymore. And I have to learn to live without him in my life.