Steve goes to shower and I plop down on the bed,exhausted from my lack of sleep.Last night that privelage was stripped away from me,and I got absolutely no sleep.
I was up thinking.
This is terrifying me.
I want to leave.I really do.Just run away from all of this and pretend that my feelings for Steve are completely void.
But something makes me stay.Something forces me to stay right here.
I don't know if it's just the thought that I can finally have someone.
I don't know if I'm just stupid.
I don't know if I'm just desperate.
Or if it's just all of them.
And there is a thought that continues to seep through the smallest crevices of my brain.And it attacks my mind,it rips me to pieces.
That this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
The rest of my waking days with.
And that terrifies me.
I can't possibly be having these thoughts.
I love Steve,I do,but I can't manage to wipe what he said from my head."You're just a cold blooded killer who doesn't care what happens to innocents."
Since I left that has been playing in my head because its true.
I don't care what anyone says,those rage empowered outbursts come from somewhere.They've just had it bottled up for so long,and it's as if the rage gives them the permission to spit it out.
Steve had that bottled up somewhere and his rage only gave him the permission to spit it out.
But it's not even that Steve said it.That part hurts.But that part is not the worst part.The worst part is that it's true.
Running to that cabin,I was solely focused on getting the hell out of there and on the pain I was feeling from my injury.Never once did those people cross my mind.
Only when we got to the cabin did I feel the slightest pang of guilt in my chest for them.After that,my head was in the game.The game where I get the hell out of the country and finish this mission without any more casualties so that I don't have to weap over any more corpses.
That's how cruel and how selfish I am.
Forget about everything else and get the task at hand completed so that I can just go home and be alone.
Steve steps out of the shower,a towel cover the lower half of his body."That was quick."
He hurries into a robe that's a bit tight fitting for him."What's wrong?"
He lies down beside me staring up at the cieling,and I do the same,staying far away from him."If I said nothing."
"I'd be a fool to believe you."
"If I told you."
"I'd listen and do my best to make it better."
I look over at him,though his eyes remain on the cieling."Can you really love someone like me?"
"Like you?"
"Like me."
"Elaborate for me."
"Someone you hardly believe you can trust.Someone you should keep your eyes on when she's not looking.Second guessing her tactics,her motives."
"I trust you."
"Look me in my eyes and tell me that."
His eyes remain on the cieling."You don't think this is going to work do you?"
I look at the cieling.
"You think you're not trust worthy.Or worthy of...me."
"The hell is that supposed to mean?"
He leans over me,his face only inches from my own."Captain America.The man everyone believes to be this naïve kid who's got morals up to his knees."
"Is that true?"
"You made me sit through Twilight didn't you?"
"No. Bruce did."
"Same difference.Anyway there was a part where either Edward or Bella say 'So the lion fell in love with the lamb.' It goes something like that,right?"
"I think your relatively close."
"So maybe I am some naïve kid with morals up to his knees.But that's what people need me to be.That's what they want me to be."
"What do you want to be?"
"That person to make you happy."
"Tell me you trust me,Steve."
"Make me trust you."
I stare into his blue eyes,my own filling with tears,I try to blink away but they just roll down the side of my face."What you said the other day,about me being a cold blooded killer-"
"I was wrong-"
"But it was true."
"You were a cold blooded killer."
"And what am I now?"
"Good.You kill only because you're ordered to-"
"That's a lie,Rogers."
"Is it? You aren't good?"
"I try to be but I know I'm not."
"Is that what you tell yourself?"
"Yes."
"What good would it do if I told you,you are good."
"It wouldn't."
"Of course not."
I lower my eyebrows in anger."What are you saying,Steve?"
"I'm saying you're stubborn.The things I say to you probably will never matter to you.You're dead set on this lie you've been feeding on.That you are a killer.That you are bad.That you are cold hearted and selfish."He laughs emotionlessly."Everything I say to convince you otherwise is a boatload of crap to you.And there is nothing I can do about that."
"The things you say do matter to me-"
"Then why the hell do you sit here and do this to yourself. Throw yourself under a damn bus. Does that feel good to you? Does that humor you or something?"
"No."
"So why do you do it ,Natasha? Help me understand."
"I wasn't made to love."
"Well let me tell you something,Natasha.God's your creator,and I am damn sure he equipped you with that feeling for something."
I pull his head down,kissing his lips."Shut up,Steve."
"Just stop doing this stuff to me.If we are going to make this work,you have to stop making yourself look like this completely awful person.Because you are everything but awful.You are beautiful.You are an amazing person.You are loved.You are good."
"I don't want this to work,Steve,"I admit."Don't ask why because I can't give you a reason,"I lay my palm against his cheek."Make me want this to work."
