I didn't go home last night.I couldn't muster the strength to.I couldn't deal with the pain of losing Natasha,or deal with seeing the others after what I had did to Tony,whcich now has began to twist in my chest as some from of regret.
I didn't sleep last night.I was afraid she'd be there.And I don't want to see her right now,because I am not ready to see her.
But most of all,I did not sleep because Jaxon's words repeat over and over in my head as if they are a broken record."Is this love,Captain?"
I truly want it to be pure hatred and anger,but instead its worry and cocern.Confusion.Could I really be in love with Natasha?
Thats the question I've been looking to answer as I lay awake in this hard bed.Could I?Is that possible?
But then the pain registers again.The anger flares up in my chest.If I did love her,I needed her to be there.I needed her,and she left me.
I must sound so selfish,but so be it.She left without explanation.Lied to me about being ok.And I can't shake that feeling.She lied to me,and I trusted her.
I throw myself off of the bed and snatch the jacket from the nightstand.I pay for the ratty motel room on my way out and walk to the S.H.I.E.L.D base back in Manhattan.
Of course theres no huge sign reading S.H.I.E.L.D,but its an underground movement to bring it back,and even though I still trust very little of these people,I've agreed to help.
I cut into the living corridors and shower quickly and change into a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt.
I climb the stairs to the ninth floor and storm to the office at the very end taking long determined strides that boom on the floor.I ignore the looks I get from the other agents and snatch open the office door.
I yank her out of the chair by her arm and she quickly dims the window.Her hand cracks across my face with such tremendous strength that I stagger backward,cheek stinging in pain."You've got five seconds to tell me what is going on."She hisses rubbing her arm.
"Where in hell have you been?"
"The way I see it Rogers,thats none of your buisness."
"What are you saying?!"
"I'm saying,your trespassing on dangerous ground and if you don't leave I'm going to inflict bodily harm."She says it calmly,but I can hear the acid behind every word.
"Why,Natasha?Why did you leave?"
She looks away from me."I'm not ready,Steve."
"Not ready?Not ready?"I raise my voice."I went through hell last night,worried sick about you and you can't tell me why you left?"
She looks back at me something dangerous in her expression."I didn't ask you to worry.I don't have to tell you why I left because you are not someone I need to tell my whole life to.You don't matter to me,Captain."
I can't even begin to explain how terrible her words feel.They beat on my chest and suck the air from my lungs."Don't say that."
"You wanted the truth,Rogers,well there it is.You don't matter to me.I don't need you."There are tears in her emrald green eyes.
"Stop!"
"Just go,Steve.Get out."
"Oh good you're both here.Fury is requesting your presence upstairs.Its a mission."
Natasha seems as if none of this ever happened,though I can see the pain behind her eyes."We're on our way up."
Agent Mason nods and shuts the door.Natasha shoves past me."I never wanted to do this to you,Steve.You can never love me,we can never be friends.I'm a grenade and when you get close I'll blow up in your face.Just forget about me,ok?"
"I can't do that."
She walks out shaking her head and I curse under my breath,walking out after her.
