Days...
Weeks...
Months...
4 months I have not seen or talked to Steve,or any of the other Avengers for that matter.
Steve calls and texts,but I completely ignore them,deleting them as they come.I don't want to hear from him,nor see him,or hear is pathetic apologies,I just want to be alone and I can't do that with him blowing up my phone.
"Hey,Jax."
"You again."He says excitedly.
"Yeah,"
"What with that Hydra dude.You promised to keep me updated."
"He's on trial.There's no verdict yet,but there will be soon."
"I hope he gets life,messin' you up the way he did."
"Can I have that drink now?"
"Scotch on the rocks?"
"Atta boy."
He slides me the ice cold glass."So,Natasha,hows it been.You haven't been here in a nice little minute."
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Aw c'mon,Nat.I can help you out,I'm sure of it.And even if not,I'monna bug you until you talk,soooo..."
"Steve been here lately?"
"Yup.Its like a nightly ritual now.We don't talk as much,like me and you,but he mentions you from time to time.Not much good to say either.He's pretty pissed,Nat.Not accepting his calls,responding to his texts.He really misses you."
"Tell me something,Jaxon."
"Yeah,sure."
"Hypothetically speaking,"I say."What if I actually loved,Steve,and I was doing this because I was scared of him telling me and of me telling him because I feel like I don't fit his standards for women."
"A:This is not hypothetical,B:I do think your terrified of the thought of having someone on you waking side.You think that you can't love because of your past,but you can.Your past doesn't write your future.know who said that?"
"Captain America."
"Forget about all that bs the KGB taught you,Nat,'cause you need a man.I mean,I'm to young for you unfortunately,but if I was Steve,I'd do everything in my power to keep you close to me."He pauses."I also believe that this KGB rule is an excuse to hide your feelings from him.You love him,Natasha,don't let him suffer any longer."
"What if I can't,Jaxon.You're a normal kid who had a normal childhood,you can love as many women as you possibly want,"I shake my head."Its not the same for me."
"'Course not,Natasha.Does it really matter if I had a normal childhood?"He considers this a moment."Ok yes,but lets pretend I'm you.I believe I am a grenade,bound to explode the minute someone gets close to me.Maybe thats a rule I've created and not some sick KGB brain washing...thing.Maybe I've instilled it in myself that love is not for the Black Widow,becuase the Black Widow is a cold hearted killer.Maybe I'm my own problem."
"I am my own problem.That is my rule,don't love because its only going to hurt you,its only going to damage you.And you're going to hurt someone else."
"Then break the rules,Natasha.Break them.Noone can live life alone.Not even the Black Widow."
"And what if I tell him and everything goes great and then it happens.I detonate and go volatile."
"Well,theres suicide and turning to drugs-"
"Jaxon,"I hiss.
"Woah,woah,woah,I'm just messin around.Messin' with you.Anyway,your not gonna do that."
"Why?"
"Because he's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with."
"I've wanted to spend my life with plenty of people and guess where they are."
"You're talkin' Aleksy,right?"
I feel the tears behind my eyes,but force them to stay there."Yes."
"I CRACKED YOUR FREAKIN' CODE."
"You've done that a few times."
"Steve reminds you of Aleksy,Natasha!"
"Stop it,"I warn Jaxon.
"You don't want what happened to Aleksy to happen to...to...Steve."
I stand my hand cracking across Jaxon's face.He falls to the ground holding his cheek,and I slam a few dollars on the table storming out of the bar as the realization sinks in.
My feelings for Steve will be concealed because I love him too much to lose hin like I lost Aleksy.Those feelings of lust,of desire are all forbidden.
Because if I lost Steve,I have nothing to live for.
