Pursuit of the Whole

LI. Neutral

They say part of growing up is learning how to live with your regrets - live with the good and bad memories.

Mostly bad.

The mostly bad somehow, always manage to linger around longer. Occupy much more space than we can offer.

But, what they don't tell you is, most adults still haven't learned to cope with the pain.

Kai squeezes my hand.

When I looked down, his head was facing the floor.

I remember it now.

The patterned floor.

It's still the same.

I got down to one knee and placed my hands on his shoulders, "Kai." He looks at me, "I want you to look forward, okay?"

"Look forward?"

"Yes," I replied. "When we get into that room. I want you to look at every person in the eye. Do you know why?"

He shakes his head.

"Because you've done nothing wrong. Do you hear me? You've done absolutely nothing wrong. So, there is no reason why you should be the person who-"

They say sometimes inevitable realization comes at the most unpredictable time.

Well, this is my time.

My realization.

"There is no reason why you should be the person who is looking down. There is no reason why you should be the one who feels shame. To feel like you shouldn't live. Shouldn't exist."

The tears drip down to Kai's red cheeks.

"Because you deserve to exist. You deserve to live happily. You got that?"

Kai nods.

"Kai. I need words. Do you want to live happily?"

"I-I-I want to live."

"Do you want to live or live happily? Let me hear you!"

"I-I want to live happily!"

"Say it with me: I deserve to be happy!"

"I deserve to be happy!"

"Those people can't judge me!"

"Those people can't judge me!"

"I'm the master of my own life!"

"I'm the master of my own life!"

I scream.

He screams.

When my eyes met with Brenda, the scream died down.

Then, Brenda screams.

I did it too.

Eric joins in.

And finally, Brian.

The five of us stood in the hallway like maniacs on drugs.

"What are you kids doing?" Dad asks.

Immediately, we all stop.

"Screaming out our emotions like mom always tells us to do," I responded calmly.

"No. I said to talk about your emotions," mom said.

"Oh, look. It's time to go to the courtroom," I said. "The whole world is waiting." I held Kai's hand and made my way to the doors.

Before we got there, the lawyers surrounded us. They would give their mini-speech like they always do to their clients. Such as, don't say too much or let them do the talking.