WHAT IF

Emptiness

               "It's a pity to us who give birth" angry and sad she sighed. Silence filled the room for a while. "Is it Valerie again." the other lady asked. They normally gather at home every Friday to play games, talk about books, complain about each other's hardships in life and catch up with each other still. As usual, they are four of them. I know them well that there voices can be differentiated in my sleep.
  "What did she do this time round " Mrs Bright asked.
  "Has she ever done anything right?, how I wish I could trade her for money." mom sighed in a lot of disappointment. All the ladies laughed loud.
   "But she is not even worth one penny," she yelled. " am embarrassed to be her mom" she added.

             I was in my room two rooms from the living room where they were talking from. But every word was clear like as if she was taking right in my ear. I covered myself with a pillow on my head, I didn't want to hear anymore. That was my mom, those are some of the few sweetest words I have ever had out of her mouth when she talking about me. They made me a little satisfied, but why was I hurting, my heart aching, tears flooded in my eyes like as if this was new, like as if I expected better.
     For a long time now, I keep on promising myself not to cry again but somehow I find myself weak again.
Am Valerie McAvoy the second born out of the three children of my mom and dad. My first  very mistake to my mom was ......

     
       " Valerie... " my mom angrily called.
     "Am on my way "  I loudly said as I cleaned my teary eyes. In less than a minute I was in the living room assembled humbly before my mom and her friends.
       "Where had you gone instead of buying me the groceries" my mom shouted.  I knew her anger had hooked up again. I looked down to my feet,
       "I was delayed by traffic mom ." I lied, it was the only thing that came to my mind.

      "This bustard ..." She was already up to her feet, hardly slapping me in face, I fell down on the ground, my head processing my mother's slap.
"What do you take me for?" She shouted. She threw her phone down at me,  the phone hit my head then down to the ground.
My head hurt, I could feel a bump come immediately, my eyes glued to the phone screen. It was a picture of me with my friends while in front of the Matt earlier today.
I was quiet as always, no tears, no movement, just flowing to the dance.
 
"Where did you and your friends go instead of buying my groceries? " she shouted angrily.
   "Like always, to meet up with the boys huh? who knew I would give birth to a whore " mom shouted angrily.
How I wish she would trust me for once in life, how I wish she believed me just once,
  "Tell me the truth Valerie" she asked.
I looked up at her face but nothing to say, even if I was to say the truth she would never believe me, she can't trust me. They say trust must be gained but what haven't I done?, what  haven't I done to gain that trust?,  I've been the most honest, cut off some of my friends that she didn't trust, forget what privacy was, so I don't give her a chance to doubt me, I have no phone password, no diary, nothing to hide, well at least I can say I tried till I gave up, her trust is what I can never get.

        "You're a loss, I regret giving birth to you. " she finally said. I froze looking at her. Tears filled my eyes.
   " Rose ......" One of her friends called her out of shock of the words my mother had just let out.
     "Mom... I ... " I tried to say but couldn't.
    "Get out of my face." she shouted turning back to her friends.
I collected myself off the floor back to my room, her words were stuck in my head. I wanted to cry to someone, I wanted to have someone by my side right now, even if just for a second, someone who could trust me, tell me it's okay, tell me that they loved me and am not a loss. I cried silently, covered in my tiny bed and cried hard. I cried myself to sleep.