WHAT IF

Numbness

             It was total silence in the car back home, Andrew seemed so angry but that's him, my thoughts were back at the ended party with Leon. I might have hurt his feelings,
            "Answer your phone." My thoughts came back on hearing Andrew coldly telling me.
            "Sorry." I said getting it out of my purse.
Clearly and boldly it read, Mother. My hand shook wondering what it was she wanted to blame me for.
           "Hello.." I unsurely picked it up.
           "Valerie, my friends have been praising me about how well I raised you." she proudly said.
           "They used to brag but it's my time to shine, you did a great a job." she shouted loudly.
I was quiet listening at my mom's praise for the first time in my whole life, she hanged up the phone but it remained on my ear, I was still feeling it. I smiled but with tears in my eyes, I have worked hard to hear that from her for all my life, but now in the moment where I didn't like the life I was living is when I get it. 
The phone dropped down, I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

            On reaching home, Andrew moved out of the car first then I followed,
            "Mr Smith there is a package for you." Anna said to Andrew but I wasn't concerned I continued my way to my bedroom.  I sat at the dressing table removing the jewelry though in mixed feelings.
           "VALERIE!!!!!!"  Andrew angrily yelled from down stairs. 
I turned looking at the door, I knew something was not good, I was scared to even say a word.
            "VALERIE!!!!!!!!!!" I could hear him storm up to my room. 
The door was banged open,
            "Andrew....." I stood up in fear.
            "Explain that bull shit..." he shouted throwing the package straight in my face.
On falling down, what was in the package poured out, my jaw dropped, I began to shiver, I fell down on my knees,
             "Thi.. This .." I began to stutter but the words failed to formulate.
They were pictures of me kissing Amanda.
            "Am sorry." I began to plead.
I crawled to his feet in fear.
            "An... Andrew, for.. give me." I pleaded.
Andrew kicked me to the wall off this feet, on my ribs I landed.
           "Am  ...sorry" I cried, I tried to stand up but couldn't, I was in tears.
            "I asked you to do one thing." Andrew shouted.
            "One thing you fool." Andrew shouted.
He walked up to me raising me up with a hand in my neck pressing it so hard that I couldn't breathe.
I tried to shout in the many tears I was in.
           "Andrew...." With all the power I shouted pushing him from me. Andrew fell down on the floor and I used the best of my feet.
           "You BITCH...." He shouted grabbing me by my hair.
           "ANDREW!!!!!!" I  cried out loudly. Struggling down with my feet and hands as he pulled me across  the ground by my hair back to the room.
          "My reputation is almost ruined, my family, your family, imagine what the world would say if they got to know this." He shouted as he continuously kicked me everywhere on the floor.
          "Ahh......I ..a " I tried to plead in the flood of tears and pain I was in.
         "You're so ungrateful, not all black women make it where you are but I have given you the opportunity and this is how you thank me." he angrily shouted.

              I was powerless, I couldn't move a thing in my body other than to wail on the floor where I was being beaten from.
            "I hear Leon... " he shouted throwing something down, the gift I had just received from Leon and in pieces it broke. He sat on the bed breathless and so angry looking at me.
          "Do you know how my businesses would be ruined if these things go out?.." he shouted.
         "All I wanted is for you to keep it together." He added.
          "NOW SIT UP AND EXPLAIN TO ME." he ordered.
I cried, I couldn't feel my body other than just pain every where. I tried, I collected myself slowly kneeling before him.
          "Am...so ..sorry." I breathed out in the middle of my tears.
         "But it's.... Not what ..it...seems like.." I cried.
         "I will let this slide today, but next time this happens you will die in my hands." Andrew threatened.
         "Am sure you know I can kill you and no one will bother looking for just a mere black woman." Andrew said then walked out of the room.
I fell down to the ground, wailing this was so painful both in mind, heart and body.
           "Why.. Wh ..me." I cried.
           "Cry quietly, you're disturbing my peace." Andrew said closing the door of the room.
Slowly I crawled to the bathroom till my bathtub. I got inside sleeping inside it as I quietly cried myself down.
The one time in my life I tried to do what my heart desires and this happens, I got to be reminded how I'm black and powerless, for the first time I tried to get my own happiness with Leon, all this happens.
          "God!!!!!!" I cried, all the pain I had saved for a while was released today. I opened up the  tap water pouring into the bathtub as I cleaned my tears cause am not allowed to cry for long, when will I stop when the tears I have are endless.
          "It's okay Valerie." I said to myself but tears poured out again.
          "It's okay Val." I said again.
With time, I numbed all my pain in. I washed off properly then stood up leaping back to my room. It's the same story every now and then, I get hurt, cry, numb the pain and comfort myself.
In my cabinet I removed painkillers swallowing them, I added sleeping pills then moved straight to my bed.

           "Mrs Smith." Anna knocked at the door.
           "Am sleepy so let me be." I said covering myself up.
           "I have been sent by Mr Smith." She said.
           "Come in." I said to her.
Anna came in with a nurse following her at the back. The same usual each thing whenever Andrew beats me up.
           "Please swallow up some pai...."
           "I have  already done so." I said before she completed.
Anna and the nurse began to address my bruises and wounds over my body.