WHAT IF

52

            I held my husband's hands tight, I could see this was hard to share, he could not let in some one just like that, it takes time to crumble those walls down, it takes trust to open up to someone and I shan't force that.
            "Its okay, don't force yourself." I said to him.
            "You don't have to say anything." I said, trying so hard to comfort him.
His inner child was hurt, it's all clear to see, he doesn't have to explain himself or tell his story for me to see he was hurt and he is still pained.
These stories maybe hard to say, they maybe be salt to the wounds so it's okay.
            Andrew laid down on his back resting his head on my thighs. He closed his eyes relaxing a bit more, if this is what makes him feel fine then it was okay.
           "My mother was a lot like you," he finally breathed out, tears rolled down the sides of his eyes.
           "you remind me a lot of her, that's why the first time i saw you it was like I was seeing her." He sadly said.
           "One of the reasons why you became my purpose to live." he added.
I gently cleaned the tears that were rolling out.
           "You both have big hearts for everyone around you, you have big hearts, passion and love everything deeply. You try so hard to make sure everyone around you is happy even when you're crumbling with in." he said.
Remembering his mom brought a smile on his face yet tears were rolling down.
            "You're very strong and you endure a lot more than you're supposed to carry, you're out spoken, aggressive and women who don't fear risks, you're smart and very beautiful." he added.
            "My mother was diminished by father and you were also diminished at home by me as well your husband." Andrew sadly said.
Now I see when he says we have alot in common with his mother, she was torn by his husband and so have I. The difference would be that I didn't get a chance to even fully know who I was and what I was capable of.
             "Her joy disappeared when father began abusing her, that day was the day after my 8th birthday, my dad came home from a trip and they began quarrelling, she was crying and asking him why he would do that, why he would miss my birthday claiming to be on a business trip yet he was with another woman, why he was cheating on her, what she did to deserve that." He painfully said, tears rolling out. My tears rolled out heavily.
              "My mother cried a lot that day, my father didn't feel remorse or give any reasons or fake an apology or even try to make up a lie to calm her down but began abusing her, he hit her so badly, I was hearing from outside the bedroom door how hard and heavy he hit her, how she......( Andrew swallowed hard) was pleading for him to stop." Andrew with his shaky voice said.
I didn't have to imagine to know how that felt, I have been there.
             I cleaned his tears, looking at him struggling to get the strength to say more.
             "I held my mouth tight as I cried, I didn't want them to know I heard anything but the hitting didn't stop, I knelt down pleading on my mother's behalf for him to stop hitting her, I started banging the door and called out for the helpers at home to help but no one came." Andrew cried.
              Imagining and hearing this broke my heart, I soothed his chest gently hoping it would calm him down.
             "He hit her till she stopped making any sound, I was scared so shouted louder for help. He opened the door angrily, the man that stood before me then was not the father I knew, I was scared to say a word to the stranger before me." Andrew cried.
              "My eyes went past him to my mother who was lying down on the floor covered in blood, even the belt that my father held had blood as well, the only word I managed to say was please." Andrew added.
The pain and trauma he carried was a lot, yet I know there was a lot more to the story
               "He tried to raise me up but I was struggling to crawl to my mother, he strongly held my legs and hands together carrying me up to my room, he threw me on the bed then locked the door, I cried and pleaded myself to sleep." He said.
              "For a fortnight, I didn't see my mother or hear from her yet every time I ask of her he would yell at me and when I insisted on it by not doing certain things he would beat me up claiming I am ashaming the Smith Family." Andrew added.
Just looking at him, I knew this was more painful to remember and tell. I really wanted him to stop, this was enough to hear, I didn't want him to relive, remember and talk about it.
               "Andrew...." I tried to call but my crying came into the way.
              "Finally my mother came back home, she was fine and happy, she apologized for being gone for too long. She loved my father, believed in the man she fell in love with, she loved our family to be put for my sake.
She endured all his abuse, his cheating, the disrespect, but never failed to show me her smile no matter how hurt she was." Andrew sobbed.
              "Much as she has endured, she couldn't endure how my father treated me, that day he wanted to hit me for getting bad grades but she wouldn't allow him, they fought, he began to hit her again, in the struggle to defend me, she put me in her tight embrace as he hit her." He cried.
             "I was folded in my mother, crying and terrified, holding her tight till we dropped down to the floor but still covering me, she had covered my eyes not to see and all I remember was waking up in the hospital." Andrew said.
He opened up his eyes looking at me, my tears dropped down to his forehead.
             "That was the last time I saw my mom, hear from her, and it's later after a while that I heard from miss Ann that my mom had died. Yet my father brought in another woman.
That pain was a lot, I missed my mom, I wanted to see her so I resorted to trying to take my life." He added.
              "Nothing stopped at that, abuse from my dad and different step mothers continued, he never settled with his women but everyone came with a new edition of mistreatment and my father didn't mind, he claimed it as being groomed. My suicide trials increased, even in mental hospitals or schools till my last one in Italy. While there, I was informed that I was to be your husband and that gave me a purpose to live, for you." He said.
               "I promised to be a different man from my father but I guess I wasn't any different." He painfully said.
I bent down giving him a soft kiss on the forehead.
               "There is a big difference, a very big one." I cried saying.
Andrew rose up sitting to clean my tears, I just embraced him tight, I know he needed it, I held him tight till he completely stopped crying to actually sleep in my hands.