WHAT IF

51

" what !!!!" I was in shock , tears in my eyes flooded ,my blood racing to one direction my head ,I felt like it was about to burst . My hands become weak dropping the phone down .
" Val ..." Leon grabbed my hand as I stood up to flew out of here .
" what's wrong " he asked worried as well .
" Andrew is at the hospital he has been in an accident " I worriedly said . I could feel my voice shaky and trembling . Hayden was concerned but his eyes on me watching my each and very next move .
I pulled myself away from Leon rushing out to drive to the hospital ,I didn't have to ask to know at which hospital he was in ,it was obvious he was admitted to the family hospital.
As I opened the car door . Hayden held my hand stopping me .

" you can't drive in this state " he said calmly . He opened the back seat door for me .
" I will drive " Leon said entering the car to the driver's seat .
I didn't bother questioning or complaining but to seat in the car . Hayden sat next to me and Leon started the car . Normally when am in a hurry I am found of ordering the person driving to increase speed but Leon knew what to do .
He was driving like it was a race he needed to win .
" here " Hayden said to me . I looked at the things Hayden was handing me .
" you left them behind as you were rushing out " he said.
I looked at him then held my items, the phone and hand bag .
" thank you " I said .
In the long silence , I realised I had changed my feelings towards Andrew are different ,it's pit but with something else that I don't understand yet . Where my jealousness about Stephanie comes from. Honestly I have not liked the fact that it was Stephanie who called me informing me about Andrew .
I just can't put a finger to whatever feeling this is . I can't seam to remember when I I began caring about his feelings ,since when did I feel bad that he is not fine. Since did he start occupying 85% of my brain thoughts . Since when did I imagining he is in pain or something terrible has happened to him and tears of pain want flow out .

We finally reached the hospital ,I was scared of even entering ,I was scared of seeing him hurt at the hospital bed . Leon and Hayden got out . Leon opened the car door for me . I looked at them both looking at me . But to realise what I feel about him ,I needed to see him ,maybe looking in his eyes would give me the answer. I got out the car then slowly began to walk inside , to the VIP section where Andrew was ,Hayden and Leon following me from the back as we walked through the hospital corridor . At a far was Emma ,Ray ,Miss Ann ,Jordy and the lady I know so well she was coming from inside the room , my paces decreased slowly .They all turned looking at me approaching . I walked farther and farther to them but my eyes on her .
" Valerie " in a very warn voice she called as she rushed to me . Her arms spread pulling me in into a warm hug .
" you must be really devastated" she said all the concern I was feeling from her soft voice .
Her hands warm ,the scent unique and beautiful ,her skin ,her hair and voice all so beautiful. Tears and emotion flooded at me . At this moment I didn't know what to do ,to hug her back ,be nice as well . like a craw I stood in her hands .
She made a few steps back looking into my teary eyes , her hands placed gently on my arms .
" he is side ,waiting for you " she sweetly said .
Her eyes are beautiful, she is so sweet and caring can't stop my mind from comparing myself to her . A tear dropped from my eye ,now this I regret doing how could I be so weak in her hands. Gently she cleaned my tear with a smile .
" please don't be so worried " she smiled .
She might have said that with concern to Andrew but to me it sounded like she was telling me not to worry about her presence ,about how much I was comparing myself to her and she was beating me at each and very thing .
Or was it not worry that his heart is hers good thing I am married to him .
This my brain was stormed with all kinds of thoughts .
No one seamed to mind our moment ,they all stood and waited on till we CO wives finished this dramatic scene .
" excuse me " I collected my guts saying. Without delay I walked forward past her ,I didn't bother to look back her or those that I came with .
" how is he " I asked Miss Ann now my worry towards him has kicked in .
" Andrew has only allowed the doctors ,that lady and you to enter" Miss Ann worriedly said . on that point I turned reaching out for the door , I held the door knob then breathed out heavily before I entered . I swung the door open my eyes immediately towards Andrew who has lying down on the bed .
I slowly entered then closed the door behind me. Part of me knew that this accident was maybe because of the many thoughts he had because of me and the words I had said to him .

His face had some cuts and bruises and side of his left eye was a bit swollen . I looked at his handsome face ruined yet pain all over his face .
Andrew turned his head to my direction . He opened his eyes slowly looking at me . Tears in his eyes and in mine as well .
" Valerie " he called sitting up .
" I thought you would not come " he said sadly
" why wouldn't I come " tears rolled out of my eyes .
I rushed close to him embracing him tightly he held me tighter crying as well , Andrew rested his head between my shoulder and neck breaking down . Much as I didn't expect this break down but him being vulnerable in my hands was amazing ,I loved it . I would him to cry and breakdown in my hands .
" I am sorry about not telling you about our child " I cried
" I should be the one apologising " he cried .
" I have hurt you ,I have hurt you and I can't apologize enough " he cried holding me even tighter .
" I know I can't give an excuse for treating you the way I did ,for projecting and doing exactly what my family did to me " he cried .
This hit hard , i cried more on realising Andrew was abused ,he used to be abused while he was young ,not just emotionally but physically as well . I held him tighter .
The only way to make him safe and alright
" forgive me for dumping my burdens and vulnerability on you Valerie " his shaky voice said .
" I actually love ," I sobbed struggling to sound strong and stable for him
" Andrew , if you ever get tired ,come to me I will help you rest .If you ever get frustrated or feel burdened come to me I will carry the weight with you .If you ever feel lost ,pain or sad come to me I will kiss and hug the pain away .If you ever want to cry come to me and cry in my hands ,if you ever want to laugh still come to me and we laugh together " I said ,tears rolling down .
" I am here for you " I assured him .
Andrew listened ,he relaxed in my hands as he cried his pain out , I never stopped holding him tight ,I know maybe that's what he needed .
" I am actually grateful you decided not to keep that child " he said .
" maybe loving him right would have been hard ,maybe I would have projected my pain and wounds to the child as well " he sadly said.
" instead of trying to heal my wounds I just got tired of living back then I hated life and everything ,taking my life seamed like the only safe and easy opinion " he painfully said .
" I was tired of the daily pain that one would understand ,the mental ,physical and emotional pain I just wanted to rest to disappear " he cried.
I gently patted him in the back as he poured himself .
" Andrew...." Much as I would like to comfort him with words ,I just didn't know the right ones to say .
" tell me , allow me carry it for you , allow me make it less heavy " I cried.
Andrew gently pushed himself behind ,he sat close looking at me , I know and could tell he had never shared his story with anyone .
He was carried his weights all his life ,he has fought his battles alone ,he has pretended to be fine all his life .
Today he maybe crying because of the words and the truth he discovered but its just not that ,his inner child that was hurt has kicked in ,all the tears he would have cried a long time ago are the ones he is releasing today .
Much as I have been through pain he has been a lot and lot pain that hasn't healed or even been released yet. He has never let down his guard ,he put up strong survival walls that he never let any one go past .