WHAT IF

56

               "Valerie, parents aren't hero's." Rose said
               "Sometimes they project their pain, failures and imperfections to us." She added. I looked at her, each word heavy on my heart
               "Sometimes they enforce their dreams, what were their imperfections, enforcing them to be perfections with us, what they failed to be, what we accomplish for them, who they weren't is what they want us to be, that's the only way their unsatisfied hearts will be satisfied." Rose said. This became so clear in my eyes, the person am living right now is what both my parents are satisfied with, they can't even afford any of my mistakes to ruin what they want.
                "As they project themselves to us, we get hurt, we sacrifice and suffocate who we truly are, we lose ourselves and faces before we even get to know who we are." Rose added.
                 "I know it's the same for you Valerie, and it's very absurd that you have suppressed the real you to birth the one every one wants." She said.
            With Rose I don't even have to say much, she knows what exactly to say or imagine, where exactly the problem comes from.
                   "To properly groom the person they want us to be, they tell who we truly are that we not good enough, that we are not valuable, they only show us they love us when we are what they want us to be but Valerie that's selfish." Rose said.  Tears were in my eyes
                   "We are enough, always been enough even when we are flawed, and no man is an island so we have to be flawed." Rose said, I could feel the pain in her voice.
                    "Valerie we are not to blame for their faults, not for the pain they have caused, not for the wrong ways they have loved us, not for anything." Rose said painfully. Tears poured out of my eyes.
                     "They are toxic and if they can't love us for who we are then they are not good for us, no matter how much we love them, even if it's our own parents." Rose said, I could see tears in her eyes.
                      "Valerie, we are not meant to be safe havens to them, places where they put their demons, we are more than that." she said and tears rolled out of her eyes as well.
She embraced me tightly, and I held her too.
                      "So let's put ourselves first, lets break free of their chains, let's drop the charter, let's stop faking it, lets stop suffocating and breaking ourselves down for them, now let's embrace who we are, lets start loving ourselves, let's heal from the pain they have caused us, it's high time we birthed who we truly are, let's make our own decisions, let's make mistakes and learn from them and if they truly are the right ones, they will be proud, they will love who we truly are and if they fail then they were never the right people to start with." Rose bravely said in tears.
As she said this, tears rolled down heavily, everyone in my life coming through my brain.
                 "Let's not be afraid to lose the people who bring us pain consistently." Rose added.
I thought of my mother, everything she brought to me, the pain, who I have to beat myself up to be for her yet she still feels like it's not enough. I thought of father who only gives a shit when it's business, when his reputation is fine, when he has gotten the respect he desires.
               I thought of Andrew, who has brought a lot of pain as well mentally and physically, who made me question my skin colour a million times. I thought of Amanda, whom I have never been truly open with, whom I have only showed my fake side in order to keep her, I have always been afraid to show her the real me fearing she may not love me again.
              I thought of Leon, whom am very angry at but so proud of him, the anger I had on him for a very long time has disappeared today, I was always so angry of why he left, why he left me behind without a word or goodbye but now I know, maybe he had to, to be become who he is right now, he had to fight those battles alone and if I truly love him, I should celebrate that he come back to me, to celebrate that he is happy and who he is.
         I thought of myself, the anger, hatred and pain I carry, the self doubt and destruction. The blame I put on myself and questioning myself if I'm truly enough, the fact that I have endured that I don't deserve for such a long time, maybe I just have to trust the process, maybe this is what I needed to make me whom I am supposed to be. I need to embrace me, I need to be honest to me, I need to love me, I need to put me first, it's high time I birth who I truly am. I stopped crying and so had Rose,
                "Oh shit, my stew." she said running towards what she was cooking, I smiled at her though curious.
                "You used us." I said quietly
                "Pardon?" she said.
                "A while ago, instead of referring to me or you. You kept on using us" I said.
                 "You remind me of me, the younger me." she said.
                  "It was a struggle but I had to heal, I had to heal for me, for the child that I had just given birth too, I had to heal for my marriage. I didn't want history to repeat itself." she said collecting the plates.
                    "Did it work?" I asked.
                   "I did, after I healed , my relationship with God became stronger, even my kids and I are fine, even my marriage." She smiled. I smiled as I collected the forks and spoons.
                   "Do you talk to God?" Rose asked.
                   "No, I don't remember the last time I did." I honestly said.
                   "Valerie, you don't have to be only Moslem or Christian to pray to God. Prayer is like fuel for us, to move, for change, its very important" Rose said.
I looked at her with a smile, am going to consider it.
                  "Get time, kneel down, humble yourself then speak out to God, tell him it has failed, tell him everything and you will see the change from inside to outside." Rose said.
                  "I will." I said for real.
The door was opened getting all our attention.
                  "Ma!!!!" A high pitched voice called out.
                 "That's my third daughter May." Rose quietly said with a smile.
                  "MA!!!!!" She called out closing the door.
                  "I am not deaf you know May." Rose finally said. I could not stop smiling, May stumbled to the kitchen.
                  "Then reply when I call you." May said her eyes on me.
                   "I love your clothes, they look so expensive." She said to me immediately, I looked at her fully surprised at how gorgeous she looked, her Afro hair tied in twists, I could not get my eyes off her.
                   "Thank you, I love your hair" I said.
                   " Thank you, April does the hair here." she said.
She looked to be like 20 years of age, though so free spirited, talkative and bold.
                  "I think I know you from somewhere." she said.
                  "Where did the both of you put your manners, not even greeting or introducing yourselves." Rose said. May rolled her eyes then shook her head, I giggled a bit.
                  "Yes, hey am May my mother's third daughter." she said in a very bored tone. We all giggled.
                  "Hey, am Valerie my mother's first daughter." I said as well.
                  "Mom, you're so stuck in your old times." May said walking to the fridge grabbing out an apple.
                  "Oh wait......" May shouted on top of her lungs.
                  "May!!!" Rose shouted at her but she was already running away, she ran up stairs her legs stamps very loud.
                   "Has she ever been quiet." I asked giggling.
                   "No, not even when I giving birth to to her." Rose said, we laughed at this as we organized the dining table. May came back running down with a magazine in her hands.
               "I knew it," she said banging the magazine on the table. it was my picture on top of the fond magazine, that picture of me and Leon.
                "Valerie Smith, the wife to the wealthy Andrew Smith and daughter from the wealthy McAvoy family." she proudly said.
                 "Nice search." I commented making Rose giggle.
                 "Your own businesses, both your families are wealthy, you're a model, top model on that note, you're beautiful, tell me what don't you have." May asked.
                 "A life." I said making May laugh, to her it was funny, she received it as a joke yet it was my truth.
                  "So how are you at our house, did mom blackmail you." she asked.
                   "Do you take me for some kind of villain?" Rose asked.
                   "Am dead serious mom." May said
                   "Rose is like a mom to me." I said with a smile
                   "Then that makes us friends and sisters." she proudly said.
Looking at her glow while saying this made me smile, how beautiful it was that to others my life was great, they would like to be part of it.
                   "Since you are kind of older than me, I should be calling you big sis." May added.
                    "The pleasure is mine." I laughed . Being part of this made me feel safe, showing me a little glimpse of how a true family actually looked like. As we sat down, the door bell rang.
                     "Arghhhh, that must be April" May said standing up to go for the door. My eyes were on Rose, can't thank her enough for making me a part of her great family, with this kind of relationship, May reminded me of Victoria, the one I have taken ages without taking to.
                  "How great to have a sister am following instead of April." May said as she led the way to the dinner table.
                   "Dream on May, you're stuck with me." April laughed
                   "Grand MA." there was a boy's face from the door.
                   "Drake love." Rose shouted happily.
May went to the kitchen grabbing some plates, at his back followed a teen boy, he by passed us not really happy going to the kitchen as well.
                    "August !!!!!" With a commanding voice Rose called.
                    "Ma....." He replied coming back to the dinning room.
Another young boy came in running in joy to Rose.
                    "My boy." Rose embraced him tightly.
April as well entered, her eyes directly on me, there is just one thing that I can't help myself doing, that's to smile.
                  "Why are you giving us attitude." Rose turned to August.
                  "You know it very well Ma, I am supposed to be at my basket ball practice." August angrily said.
                  "Ma.., I am so exhausted to sit there and wait for Aug till he is done with practice." April said sitting down at the table.
                   "That's why May should be the one picking me up from school and taking me for practice." August said approaching the table with a bottle of juice.
                  "At least she has got time to sit and flirt with the boyfriend as they wait for me." August said sitting. May walked towards August slapping him hard behind on the head.
                  "MAY...." He shouted
                  "Put some respect on my name." May said putting the other plates at the table.
                   "Missing it today won't kill you, stop throwing a fist." Rose said.
                  "Am sorry, will make it up to you." May said. This was so interesting to watch but I must really appreciate their hair, even August had some beautiful dreads.
                   "We are not always like this Valerie" May said sitting down .
                   "VALERIE SMITH!!!!!!" August shouted in shock. All of us were startled at his outburst, he hurriedly stood up from his chair rushing towards me. He stood at ease in front of me.
                  "Fuck no." April as well said but my eyes were on August who was looking at me with a lot of admiration.
                  "August." Rose called.
                  "Please allow me admire and absorb this goddess." August quietly said, I giggled a little looking at him as well.
                   "Nice to meet you handsome." I said to him. He shyly smiled breaking the eye contact looking down to his feet, the whole table died of laughter.
                   "The pleasure is mine." He giggled, using a very calm voice.
                   "He has crushed you for all his life." April said .
                     "APRIL!!!!" he shouted at her, I laughed as others laughed.
                    "I am already your fan as wel , my handsome basketball star and crush." I said to him. August giggled loudly.
                    "Can I?" he said spreading his hands to hug me.
                     "Of course......" I said standing up, I hugged him back as well.
           On sitting back to the table, he sat right besides me, the formal introductions between me and April were did as well, and to April's son Drake as well, they are all full of fun and joy, even talkative, with some insults between May and April.
            "Let me assure you, those two love themselves the best in this whole home" August whispered to me as May and April bickered. Rose in a very deep conversation with the Drake, for sure I can't even tell what they were talking about.
             "The food is getting cold, lets stop the conversations and eat." Rose said.
I was already starving to test the stew. I grabbed the serving spoon immediately,
             "Valerie ....." Rose shouted hitting my hand with a small slap.
             "Sorry " I said with a wide smile, they all giggled and laughed at me.
              "Prayer first" Rose said.
They all began holding there hands, I as well joined in. I was really excited for the fact that I am learning a lot and experiencing new beautiful things.
               "August." Rose said then all of them closed their eyes. I closed mine as well.
August started the prayer to the Lord, he thanked God for my presence, for the food, for the life and joy their family holds.
                "Amen." they all said.
                "Amen." I said as well.
The prayer was simple but beautiful, I smiled at all of them, I had never really had such a calm dinner before, full of positively joyful and loving people.
We ate the food as we laughed and conversed about this and that, some of the things they argued about. Asking Rose to be the judge of who is right and wrong, some arguments I was included in.
                "I can't stop admiring the hair you do." I said to April as we took the dishes to the sink from clearing the plate. She raised her hand touching my hair.
               "Your hair was straighted then extensions were added" she said.
               "Yes, I either do this or add curls to it." I said.
               "We do something different with it." she said full of excitement.
               "Yes please." I said .
               "Come on." she said.
She led the way to the back of the house, Rose was putting Drake to bed, August already preparing the movie to watch while May did the dishes instead of April.
At the back of the house was a small hair saloon, she opened the door then put on the lights.
                 "A home saloon!." I said in surprise .
                  "It's communal, all the black ladies come here for styling." April said.
                  "Who runs it?" I asked
                  "Originally it was dad's, he used to trim men's hair then mom suggested we add in the female part." April said.
                  "On days were mom had no work, she would do people's hair as I learnt from her." She added.
                  "Its a family business."  I said.
                  "Yes, sometimes it gets so busy that all of us are supposed to be here, even J our big brother comes with his wife to help us here." she said with a smile.
                  "Let me guess, his full name is January." I said trying not to laugh, April burst out laughing.
                   "Yes, yes " she giggled.
I sat down in the chair she had organised for me as we died of laughter. The door was opened and Rose came in with August.
                   "Rose, why the months." I asked as she sat down. She laughed hard
                    "She claims she didn't want to forget the birthdays" August said.
                    "Looking for names was hard, so their father and I decided to go with birth months, anyway it was a way not to forget their birthdays." Rose said.
We all laughed at that, August turned on some hippop music then got out a book full of pictures with different hair styles to choose one.
                   "Every thing is nice, Ican't decide." I said
                  "I gat you." April and August said.
                  "Okay." I smiled at them
April was already done with removing my extensions, August prepared the water to wash my hair.
                  "Ohhh" Rose happily shouted at some song playing. May as well came in running.
                  "Maa.." She shouted immediately dancing and vibing to the song. Rose stood up joining the daughter.We all laughed at them, 
                 "It's not always like this." April said, feeling a bit embarrassed.
                 "That is a big lie, it's worse than this. Our family is always on the extreme of everything, happiness extreme, quarelling also extreme." August said. Yet to me, this is beautiful, I feel really blessed to witness what a true family should be like.
                "It's beautiful." I said, my eyes full of glow as I looked at Rose and May dancing and laughing together.
                "Some of us have never got a chance to have experience what a true family should be like." I said. April and August sadly looked at me, more so April who seemed to know how deep my words were.
                 "Then experience it with us." August said.I turned looking at him, with his pure innocent smile.
                 "Dad always told me that family is not only with those you share the same blood with, he said family and home is where and with those that you feel it." August said.
                 "Family, is with those you cry with, laugh with, with those who get you to the core. The ones that love you for who you are, family is not blood, it is with those that make their hearts your home." April added on his words.
I smiled as their words sunk in deep, April gently touched my shoulder.
         I must say and appreciate how welcoming the whole family was. May and Rose come pulling us to the middle of the saloon to join them in the dance.
              "Let's enjoy the moment while we can." April shouted.
I laughed as I danced with them, when the song changed to some 'shake your ass' song, August and May went down to the floor shaking their ass.We all died of laughter but still danced.
              "Val, Val ,Val" April shouted for me to shake as well.
              "No, no, I really can't." I shouted in laughter.
              "Then follow my lead." May said.
As requested, I bent as well May showing me what to do, the laughter almost had them dead at how terrible I was at this. I stood laughing, till I could feel my stomach hurt.
           Later on, April and I turned back to doing my hair, she washed it bringing it back to its natural Afro form, I will not lie, I can't remember the last time I saw my hair on this true form.
             "Your hair is so beautiful and long." May said.
             "I know." April said as she dried it.
             "You're so beautiful." August said, they all laughed.
             "She is married you know." Rose said.
             "I can be her sneaky link." August said, we all laughed hard.
             "Can we leave it like this" I asked April
              "Of course." she smiled.
For goodness sake I was in love with my natural hair, how thick yet long it was, the curls in it. if I am going to love myself let me start by embracing my true form, my blackness and everything that comes with it. Being with Andrew sometimes made me hate my skin and everything about it, from now on I can love it, be confident in it and find strength in it.
             "Jeezz am late." I said on looking at the clock. it was already eight PM.
             "Come back any time." Rose said with a smile. I stood up smiling widely.
             "When will you come back?" May asked
             "This is now home, I will make sure I come in every free time I get" I said.
I removed my business card giving it to April, she looked at me with a wide smile.
              "I would like to put this smile at a big professional level." I happily smiled.
              "Shut up....." April shouted happily
              "Okay." I said then keeping quiet. They all laughed hardly.
              "No, I mean continue " she said.
               "From today, you are hired to be my hair stylist." I said. They all shouted happily.
                "But that's not it, your work deserves more, call that number tomorrow, Paris will give more details, if it favours you then agree to it." I said.
                 "Thank you, thank you so much." she shouted.  Hurriedly she embraced me in joy, Rose looked at me with a smile, I could see how happy she was with me. Rose escorted me out to my car.
                 "Thank you for what you have done for April." Rose said
                 "I should be thanking you for everything." I smiled.
                 "And for the free therapy sessions, for making me part of your family, I guess what I am doing is what family does." I smiled
Rose laughed.
                 "How did you figure out am a therapist." Rose asked.
                 "April told me you became one after overcoming your past traumas, that you wanted to help people." I said.
                  "Thank you." I said.
                  "I should be thanking you, April and Drake's life have changed."  Rose happily said.
                   "Where is the father." I asked
                 " He left them, he didn't want anything to do with April or the child, he could not stop cheating and drinking." Rose said
                  "Am so sorry." I said.
                  "But it's okay now, they are happy and slowly she is trying to heal from the  wounds as she pulls herself together for Drake." Rose said.
                  "They are both lucky to have such a great mother and grandmother." I said.
                  "Go, you're already late." Rose smiled at me.
I turned opening the door to get in the car
                 "Valerie." Rose turned calling me. I as well turned looking at her
                 "Happiness doesn't come to us, it's not brought by people either no, we are responsible for our happiness, no matter how hard or difficult things are, smile, laugh, enjoy and live the moment because there are a million reasons in your life to be happy about and to celebrate." she smiled then continued. She slowly walked till she entered her home. I entered the car smiling and feeling great.
Cause why not. Today am happy for many things, many lessons I have learned, met people and now I'm part of a great family, I made a new friend Stephanie, been kind of true and honest with me, Andrew has fully opened up to me, above all I like my hair, how I look with it and I have learnt about God. So why not smile and laugh a little.