WHAT IF

43

               I covered myself in bed closing my eyes trying to force sleep . for straight 20 mins in one position eyes closed hoping that u would sleep  . i rolled over and over around the bed , looking for a comfortable spot , my bed even seamed colder . i rolled over to my left very anticipated for Andrew to walk through that door , i was hoping he would reach downstairs and notice i was there then join me here . may be he was still talking to her on phone .
                " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5....6, ..." I began to count not wanting my head to think much at the some time wanting to know how long it would take Andrew to at least open that door . Within i hoped i would get bored accounting then fall asleep.
Rolled in my bed , lights out in a cold bed i remained quietly counting .
               " 198..." I began to count even slower . There was still nothing , i closed my eyes again , still counting , its then that i realised the music downstairs was turned off . The whole place then got quiet , and quiet then too silent that my quiet  counting seamed too loud . I knew every one was now dead asleep but here i was ,  i closed my eyes again still counting .

                " i knew she would still be sleeping " Jordy's voice wake me up . there was a big light flashing into my room from the window  , it was morning already . Jordy closed the door again . i slowly sat up , honestly speaking i feel empty , inside me felt so sad , lonely ,  bruised and heavy . i feel...feel , ..i cant even explain . i stood up walking into the bathroom .
I opened up the bath tub water filling it , i undressed then sat down in it . I guess old habits die hard , here i am again lying in the bathtub till i get to feel good again . This has been my habit since i all the years  of my life . I always lie in the bathtub till i feel my pain get socked away . I closed my eyes , not letting my mind think much , such days are like relapses of all my ugly emotions , i yarn for a hug from the ones i love yet the ones i love are the ones that have caused all the scars on my body and my bleeding heart .
For a good while i laid , finally feeling better , i bathed then came out to my dressing room , i stood in the mirror looking at my naked body . From head to toe laid the evidence of my pain . The door was opened Miss Ann entering .
               " Are you okay " she asked walking close to me
               "yes " i breathed out
               " Valerie ......" She called worriedly .
               " i have seen you soak yourself in the bathtub , its what you do every time your not okay " She added .
               " Honestly , i am okay " i said .
               " Valerie ," she called reaching out for me .She held my hands sadly and in worry .
               " tell me the truth , yesterday when Andrew closed you and him in the kitchen did he hit you " Miss Ann worriedly , calmly she asked . I could feel the concern in her voice , see the worry in her lingering eyes that were locked with mine , trying to such for the answers in my eyes . My voice was caught with in , i just wanted to cry out loud .
                " no." I breathed out holding my cry with in .
                " did he struggle you " Miss Ann asked .
Tears flooded in my eyes , i shook my head saying no
                " tell me , did he abuse you in any way Valerie " she insisted .This is when i lost it , tears rolled down my eyes , she immediately cleaned my tears
                 " go on , tell me" Miss Ann said .
                 " he didn't abuse me in any way , he didn't yell or complain , he just kissed me " i sobbed .

                I wasn't crying because i am being childish , its just that hearing this from miss Ann broke me even more , it is not good that is expected of Andrew every time i am alone with him , even i expected the worst from him , much as he is trying to show the best in him none of us can forget or get over the old him . i looked at my body again the mirror , from the tiny core of my bones, muscles , flesh and skin still carry the evidences , scars of his cold hands on me , i touched my head , knowing even sure that i have a tumour from his abuse , this pain can sometimes disappear but comes back and hits me hard . i will laugh , smile and mask the pain but its there .
              " i am sorry " Miss Ann said
              " i am as well , not to me but to him even i was scared , i thought he was going to abuse me " i sobbed .
Miss Ann tightly embraced me , these days i hate for sure , such times when all my life scars re open to new fresh wounds , i hate it , being this vulnerable , this time when all i can do for myself is cry , when all the pain from my mother , father , Andrew , Leon and myself becomes brand new . The ugly words get replayed in my head , i start to hate me , i start to think i deserve this , on such days even pretending to be fine becomes hard. Such days are the day today .