WHAT IF

49

Andrew quietly and carefully went through the papers in his hands , his expression cold and pained at the some time .
" do you hate the fact of being with me to this extent " he asked trying to be calm as possible .
His eyes still down to the papers .
Honestly the answer to that question i no longer know . i tightly squeezed the stair rails hard , but the pain and all the unexplained emotion would not stop inching with in me . Slowly i went down sitting on the stairs
" your silence isn't helping , please be honest with me " Andrew said raising his eyes to me . The angry face muscles all displayed out side .
'I don't know ' would be the answer i tell him but me mouth can't open up to say .
" tell Me Do You " he loudly shouted . i could feel the anger raising again but at the some time his voice is shaky .
" yes " i said my voice so low , this my reply hurt me as well to admit. I as well know from his expression that he was hurt by my reply .
" lately , its been less suffocating , i could breathe a bit which has imprinted on my mind that to have this less suffocating life is that i have to be ill and so vulnerable or to in here within these walls " i said quietly , letting out my heart at the some time tears were piling up in my eyes .
" to have your best last for a while , i recently decided to cut myself from those that may bring out the worst in you towards me , Leon , Amanda , my job , company affairs ( i breathed in hardly trying not to cry ) but it hurts as well , to be just within these walls and remain contented is painful, and yet being out as well is painful " i added .
" with you , i have to walk on eggshells so yes , i hate being with you to that extent " i added and my tears escaped . I immediately cleaned them raising my eyes to him again .

" i see......." Andrew tried to say but he could not , his turned looking away from me , heavily breathing out , i know he wants to tear as well .
"Valerie , this was a child , our child " Andrew turned telling me .
" i know that , Andrew i also know that the child would have been a child born without love ..."
" without love ( he scoffed) , we would have loved this child ." Andrew interrupted.
" that's not enough , you and i have no love between us that as well affects the child , our endless differences and arguments affect the child , you used to abuse me as well , ( tears rolled down my cheeks) that as well affects the child and neither of us would love that child right " I angrily yelled .
" Valerie what if....what if everything would have turned out different " Andrew yelled as well.
" Andrew , in the first place we were forced to have sex , not even forced it was rape have you forgotten" i shouted .
" your parents and mine forced us , you wanted to please them and show them your man enough ( more tears run down my cheeks ) you came into my room found me in my bathroom , you banged me to the wall , squeezed my face .. , my breasts ...squashed to the wall and you enforced yourself on me " i cried .
" i was just 17 Andrew , i was a virgin but you just......( i covered myself crying for a while , i cleaned my tears looking at him) i pleaded , cried ...that might have been nothing to you but it was a lot to me , that pain and memories that pile and haunt me each day would not let me keep that child " i cried .
He was silent his eyes red , looking at me , watching me cry and pour out some of the things that he didn't even give thought .
" i know , i understand .."
" you don't know , you don't understand Andrew " i interrupted him
" that pain and memories might be there and you carry them till now but i remain the father with all rights , you would have given me a chance " Andrew shouted
" Lets not lie Andrew , what chance did you need, to wreak that child's life as well . your don't know what a true father looks like not even a true family , you haven't even figured out who you truly are , not to even forget you are a suicidal so tell me exactly what chance you needed ." i yelled at him . He remained silent looking at me , the words i said were painful that even i could feel how heavy they are . Andrew quietly sat down in the sofas absorbing all my words , he was no longer cold but now vulnerable and in pain .

The silence filled the room , the pain am feeling just increasing , tears rolling down unstop .
" i just wanted a chance to know that you carried our child , a chance to be part of the decisions to make on what would have happened to him ." he quietly said .
" i know i have hurt you , with my hands , words , actions , i have hurt you more than i can even apologise for or ever pay up for " he added .
It was like my heart was being tied up tighter and tighter , the pain with in me multiplying , the tears rolling .
Andrew as well cleaned his tears. He was seated facing me with his back but through his voice i could feel his pain . He cleaned more of his tears as well .
" And your right , i have never been properly fathered , or mothered , my family is broken and so am i " he said , his voice so shaken no matter how hard he tries to sound stable .
" and true , i have been a suicidal but that changed when i was told i was to be your husband , when i first looked at you , i promised myself
to change to someone better , you become my purpose to live , the reason to wake up and live through everyday , i bare it in mind Valerie's husband then try to live up to the tittle ." Andrew sadly said .
These are some of his facts that i didn't know but now breaking me and tearing me apart .
" what if , you had told me your pregnant 5years ago then maybe things would be different , maybe then i would bare in mind and live to be a father and a husband my father was not even half , to my mother or me .Maybe then we would have not come to this today . I know i have not lived and acted the best to your husbands tittle but i have tried and i am trying " Andrew sadly added .
He cleaned more of his tears and i cleaned mine as well .
" don't say your trying , i don't even know or understand what exactly your trying " i said quietly .
This point am regretting and fed up , i can't help feeling the way i am feeling .
Andrew stood up gently then he walked to me , he knelt down before me , tears in his eyes and in mine . His hands gently reaching out for mine .
I tightly held both his hands as he held mine .
" before i used to try to live and not to give up , recently i started trying to be a better person and try to put in action all that i have learnt from you , now am trying to perfect the changed me and am also trying to not lose you , and trying to love the both of us right " Andrew said .
I bent down crying more as i pressed his hands tightly . Tears rolled down his eyes too .
" how i wish i didn't know this truth " Andrew cried . He pulled his hands away from me. He stood up walking past me , i buried my head in my hands and legs crying out . i had never argued with Andrew and feel the pain for the both of us , why my hurt that he is pained as well .