WHAT IF

emptiness (2)

                I breathed out heavily closing the laptop and looking around in my office. Tears filled in my eyes, to remember what I know and remember most about my mother.
      "Are you okay?" The reporter asked.
      "Huh...." I came back to my reality.
     "Yes am okay." I finally said, swallowing down my tears. I immediately grabbed my bottle of water sipping a bit but her eyes were still on me. I looked back to her with a simple smile.
         "Are you sure you're alright?" She asked to really confirm.
        "Yes am okay" I said.

She kept quiet for a while then returned the smile,
        "So are you comfortable with the questions am going to ask you during the interview?" she asked.
        " Yes, of course ."I smiled .
        "But please leave out the questions about my family " I requested. I was not ready to get emotional while on the interview, just like now especially when they ask about my mother.
        "But....." She wanted to oppose .
       "The interview is about me not my family, if you don't like them we shall cancel it." I immediately said. I reopened my laptop to continue with my work. She was quiet processing it.
       "As you wish Mrs Smith." She said. I knew, she needed it, obviously she had to approve with my condition

       "Will my husband be doing this interview with me?" I thoughtfully asked as she walked out of my office.
She turned silently looking at me. I raised my eyes looking at her.
       " He said ......"
        " it's okay you can go now." I interrupted before she completed. I breathed out heavily leaning behind.
I was stupid to ask such a question, he had to be around to make sure I don't say anything unnecessary.
 
           Every morning I remind myself that am Valerie, I don't want to lose myself in the way. Am 22years old now but living the life most ladies admire yet this is not enough, it's not what I yearn for, am not complaining, but my heart is wavering, it's empty, I want something but not this.
I got married to Andrew Smith when I was 16 years old, he was my birthday present from my family. What seemed to be my sad birthday was more ruined by marrying me to Andrew the second I got to know about him.
       
For 7years now as Mrs Smith, I can proudly say that my life has pretty changed since then.
     "Mrs Smith..." My secretary knocked at the door.
      "Come in" I said .
She immediately opened the door entering.
     "Miss Amanda is here to see you. " she said.
   "Oh shit..." I said, immediately standing up.
How could I forget, I had a date with her. I grabbed my purse and coat rushing out.
     "Jenny." I turned back to my secretary .
       "Yes? ..." She smiled.
       "You can leave work as well it's late already." I said .
Jenny looked at her wrist watch then turned back to me
      "It's just 2pm." She said in wonder.
      "The thing is your my secretary when am not at work you shouldn't either. " I said then  continued my way out.
        "Val..." Amanda shouted.
I smiled then turned to my right, There she was, my blonde beautiful bestie, with a very wide smile, in this whole world she is the source of my joy, and yet a hide out most times, she helps me escape the reality.
She immediately embraced me tightly. it was warm and comfortable I definitely needed this.
        "Amanda.." I held her tight
        "There you go again with the formality " she laughed
        "Am sorry ". ..." I mean...." I began to stutter
Amanda laughed and I laughed along
       "Its okay " she smiled.
       "But Andrew has to know you were mine before his" Amanda said leading the way. I followed along as I smiled to her statement.

        "But how do you come back from France straight to work, you should have come to me right away" Amanda said complaining .
         "There was a lot to handle at work." I said .
We sat in the car silently looking at each other,
         "You look so tired " Amanda said quietly. l remained silent looking at her.
Amanda leaned forward to my face, her lips trying to reach mine, I extended behind declining her request. She smiled softly looking at me.
           "Why is it that every time you go for long you come back changed." Amanda complained.
I breathed out, looking aside
           "Am sorry ." I sighed
           "I don't want to complain but ..." Amanda silently said leaning back to her seat.
           "Am tired, I will go home." I said
Amanda remained silent but I felt it that she wasn't happy with me, yet there is nothing I can do, I don't know why am so off today.
            " Your going to Andrew" Amanda said as I opened the door getting out.
           "Amanda ." I closed the door turning to her.
          " Amanda....." I called again.
I leaned forward holding her hand, she gently pulled away from me
          "This must be easy for you Val, but I don't get why you try so hard to impress the guy you don't love" Amanda said.
          "It's not as easy as you think " I said to her.
          "Of course it's not easy but it's even harder for me, every time you come back to me, you're changed." Amanda shouted.

         "Am trying Amanda , harder than you think, trying to live, even breathing is hard  Amanda. " I shouted .
         "And you think it's easy for me Valerie, to be kept in the dark about your life, I don't complain, all I do is keep up and love more each time you seem like a stranger to me." she hurtfully said.
But where was she wrong, it's all the truth, even to me, I lose myself every time and then. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it feels like am a stranger.
           "Am sorry." I breathed out quietly .
I opened the door getting out of her car. I reached my car and drove off immediately. I knew all was wrong, leaving Amanda behind like that but that became a habit, I run and run and I will continue running away from my pain because that's what I know most .