WHAT IF

29

                 Andrew pulled his hand away from me gently .
                " I had promised to never lay a hand on you yet your here because of me " Andrew said . now I understand where is patience was coming from while we were arguing the last time . he was always the kind to not use words but his fists and legs .  Never once did I ever imagine these words out of him ..
                  " I know my apologies can't make up for all the pain I have caused , and the terror that make with that " Andrew added. I was silent remembering the first time Andrew lay his hands on me , to be just exact ,it was not the first time to be physically abused ,my mother had hit me a couple many times . with Andrew it was new ,to be punched by a stranger , kicked while down on the floor ,his was so painful , strong , they were life draining . as I was on the floor crying ,coiled absorbing the pain from each and every inch of my body , I thought I would die in the next minute . When I opened my eyes again the next morning was when I signed the death contract with myself , it's when I ready myself to bear all that comes from this marriage.  I had no turning point so I stood still in the some position like I am in to date , I won't be shaken or look behind nor to the sides but here or move forward . As Andrew speaks of the terror he must know that I had that terror , I used to be afraid of him close being close to me ,him raising his hand towards me but with time it become a habit ,a habit I got so used to that the new him is almost terrifying me . I will not say I want him to be hit but at least then all his anger would disappear after then . while this time after using his words , he has ended up wanting a divorce .

                " I want to be a better man because.... " Andrew swallowed his words.  He sighed deeply . I want to know why ,maybe it could be a good reason as to why he wants a divorce.
                " because why  .. " I said quietly. Andrew looked at me , I know my question comes out wrong .
               " not because I prefer the violence but....."
               " I know .... Because I ... I believe you don't deserve to be treated that way , it's not even just a believe it's that you don't deserve to be treated the way I have been treating you " Andrew said.  He is not very good at expressing himself or speaking out his heart , I could tell how hard it was for him .Yet as well was not prepared to hear this from him .  
                " don't tell me all this because ...."
                " not because I am pitying you from the conversation I heard with your mom" Andrew interrupted me . 
                " me being here is not your fault " I said . it is his fault with all the other but his fall was due to my headache ,I was already not fine.
                "I am still very sorry ,and also about your modeling I decided to go by what you say you want" Andrew said . I looked at him seeing where this conversation was going , he wants the divorce .
               " I never wanted to be favored or treated different or to have something things go my way because of you , I want everything to be the way it's supposed to be , I signed up for that when I become a model " I said calmly .
                " it's part of the work , the trouble and benefits,I just wanted and want that " I said to Andrew .
                " am sorry " he sadly said .
                " I didn't know that today , little did I know that you wanted to face it all . " Andrew said , there was a lot of emotion I was feeling from Andrew , i thank God for this unexpected time to have this talk with Andrew , I am still not comfortable with it yet there is a lot to talk about .
                "Why are you changing so much " I asked Andrew
                " that's .. That's because your my wife " Andrew said . I totally get that am his wife ,well not for long since he wants a divorce , I wish I could tell him I wouldn't want one but after him hearing my mother say all that , he might think I don't the divorce cause of my mom ,well partly it's true she is one of the many reasons why but this marriage is all I know , it become my whole life and I don't know who I am or what I can do besides it .
                   " I know I am your wife Andrew , but that......."
                   " do not say it is not a reason enough , because more than any it is a very strong valid reason " Andrew said before I completed my statement.
                  " besides , I need that change too" Andrew added .
I closed my eyes and we all fell into total silence , Andrew stood up going back to his seat , the room seamed like a grave , total silence. Now this is the very situation I know too well with Andrew. How can we avoid what we are supposed to talk about ,the main important thing of our marriage .

                  " No ..." I said out of the no where to Andrew .
                  "pardon me" Andrew said .
                  " I am still not " I said ..
                  " I am so confused at what your saying " Andrew said. I opened my eyes looking down at him.
                  " what you asked me yesterday " I said .
                  " sorry the other night " I said , still haven't had in mind that I have been unconscious for some good days .
                  " I asked many questions that night " Andrew said .
                  " I am not still in love with Leon " I said quietly ,not even sure I had to justify myself to him
                   " I am sorry ,what" Andrew said , his voice in a high tone , pretending not to have heard what I have said .
                   " he is my first love but I am not in love with him anymore " I softly said .
                    " if you want a reason to proceed with our divorce look for another but that is not valid " I said to Andrew . He cleared his throat not saying a word , he comfortably leant behind in the chair , his face expression changed a bit not as tough as before
                   " what about that kiss " Andrew asked his voice light , if you asked me it felt like he was joyful yet trying to hide it .
                 " I know I did .....wrong " I said biting my tongue and swallowing my words , this was embarrassing somehow to talk about this with him . I wanted communication but not this kind , his question sounding a bit stupid .
                  " do I have t......."
                  " you asked me to look for other reasons why I should proceed with the divorce, it's what I am trying to do " Andrew said firmly . He knows how to choose his words and turning my own against me .
                   " it was wrong but meant nothing " I said . Andrew coughed covering his month a bit , I swear this mother fucker must be enjoying himself , I can tell he is holding back his smile .
                  " it's okay then I shall put it behind me " Andrew said , his  expressions soft and vulnerable .
                  " I am sorry Andrew " I said painfully
                  " for what exactly " he said
                  " I am for a lot " I said feeling terrible towards him , I felt the need to do apologize to him much as he doesn't say ,there might be a lot I do that makes it hard for him .
Andrew silently watched me , I would like to ask what was on his mind as he looked at me like that , but that right to ask I dont have .
                     " I bet we can't apologize enough to each other " Andrew said
                      " much as i am deeply sorry ,I want to thank you again and again though Valerie " he calmly said .
I didn't know what to say to him , yet there is lot I wanted to ask .
                      " we both agree that our fate was entangled to one in the name of marriage yet more than anyone we know that this is like a business partnership " Andrew said ,he stood up gently ,his hands buried in his pocket.
                    " like true business partners we don't run while we are still gaining from our business marriage " he preached slowly walking towards my upper body . He stood just in front of my eyes ,looking straight at me , our eyes inter locked
                    " so let's put the divorce  past us ( he put on a small smile on his ) and instead add some terms and conditions to our business marriage " he smiled . Now this is what I needed to here.  As a bonus , if this was a different kind of situation , I would falling heads over hills for Andrew just for how cool and handsome he looked and spoke .
I smiled at him as well
                " which are " I asked gently
                " communication, respect , support , freedom , easiness and a friendly mutual relationship " Andrew smiled.  I liked it , him and everything he was saying to me.
                " I agree" I said
                " then it's a new beginning " he smiled . He put his hand forward to me .
                 " it's nice to meet you and beginning this new journey with you , I am Andrew Smith " He smiled ,
                 " the pleasure is mine , I am Valerie McAvoy Smith " I smiled locking my hand with his . he firmly held mine smiling at each other .