《C A L L I T D E S T I N Y》

《C H A P T E R T H I R T Y - S E V E N》

Kiara's POV

We had been in bed meant to be sleeping but both of us couldn't sleep so Kieran had the idea for us to go sit outside at the firepit. Kieran had called the kitchen and they were making us some hot cocoa and we were just going to sit by the firepit and just relax. I couldn't sleep because I was ready to talk to Kieran about everything that had been floating around in my head. I knew where I was at and I wanted to share that with him.

I knew Kieran could not sleep because of me, I know he could sense me stressing. Kieran even though I'm not sure he knows. Kieran is a very serious empath it means he has the ability to feel and absorb the emotions surrounding him; he can feel and sense people's emotions around him. On days like this that I'm overthinking and we are in bed, it's like he is overthinking as well like he can hear me so he can't sleep either.

I had confirmed it when there was a day we were in bed and a tear slipped out of my eye and Kieran had been asleep but he had pulled me towards him and started rubbing my arm up and down comforting me. It was as if he had sensed that I was sad but I didn't make a sound and I was facing away from him and he had just wrapped his arm around me, pulled me closer and started comforting me.

Throughout this whole situation of me going through my emotions, Kieran had been incredibly understanding and patient the whole time. I was sitting outside and Kieran came to join me on the daybed by the firepit with mugs of hot chocolate and some rusks. I was in my my fluffy gown that made me feel like I was in my blanket and Kieran had just put on a hoodie because he had been shirtless.

I had been going on a walk every day because the walks were actually very calming. When we got here there was kind of no emotion but then for about a week it had just been pure anger at Kieran's parents after that it had been sort of an acceptance. When I was in my acceptance phase the walks did become calming and mind clearing. I had also been baking a lot because it was one of the most therapeutic things for me so far since Kieran will not let me spar till I'm completely healed. I felt like I had perfected my vanilla cupcakes, cake and Kieran well he was enjoying all my baking.  The more I baked, the more Kieran ate and he just worked out harder so he could keep eating. He was just supportive about everything it was amazing, he was just an amazing partner to have.

He handed me the mug and took a seat then I leaned on his chest drinking the hot chocolate. Everything was so peaceful and I felt like right now was a good a time as any to talk to him. I cleared my throat and said, 'Uhm Kieran you know I've been trying to sort through my feelings about everything that happened. Just to at least get to a healthy place mentally.'

I took a deep breathe and said,  'I think I'm at a place where we can talk about it. If I am completely honest I'm at peace with happened, but I just feel like I can't get to a place where I just accept that I can't have children and even if I took the chance the thought of having even one miscarriage it completely shatters me. I always feel like I'm good, I'm good then I realise I can't have children and I can't give you children then I realise maybe I'm not completely at peace. '

I sat up and decided to face him directly and I said, 'I don't know I just thought I could work through this but it's so heartbreaking. We had been talking about our future and it always included us having children and now we can't do that. I can't take chances Kieran I can't take chances, fall in love with a baby then I lose that baby I don't know if I could ever survive it.'

Kieran was looking at me intensely and I felt a tear slip out and I said, 'The worst part is that I won't be able to give you children.'

He put his hands on my face swiping away my tears and gave me a peck. I swung my leg over and sat on his lap and we started making out. There was so much love and affection in this kiss he wanted me to feel better and that's why I appreciate him so much.

We pulled apart and he said, 'Since we are being conpletely transparent I feel like this entire situation how sad you are is all my fault. I am so angry at my parents and I am going to make them pay for what they did to you.'

I had not noticed it but now I could see it, Kieran is so angry. I have been so consumed with how I'm feeling but I never thought about Kieran and how he is feeling through all this. He feels guilty for something he had absolutely no control over and I never realised it. I put my hands on his face and said, 'Kieran, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't tell your parents to do anything they did it themselves.'

He was about to speak and I said, 'It's not your fault, you can not control which family you are born into. Your parents actions aren't yours to take the blame for.'

I held his hands inbetween us and I said, 'I don't blame you for anything so please don't feel guilty. If you hadn't been on the phone with me that night who knows what else could have happened to me.'

He seemed relieved then he said, 'I want you to know that with everything you are going through. Don't be sad about not being able to give me children my number one priority is you being happy. '

Kieran was an amazing man and that is why I am in love with him. I put my hands on his face and said, 'Do you know I love you so much and appreciate you?'

He put his hands on my waist and said, 'I am in love with you Kiara.'

I sniffled and said, 'We can make it through this right?'

He nodded and said, 'Of course we can make it through this together. '

We hugged and I sighed in relief, he took the blanket and put it over us. We were cuddling and I was so comfortable and relieved in this moment. I already felt lighter and it made me realise that maybe I should have worked through this with him from the beginning. We both had so much trauma from his parents and the trauma he had from before intensified.

Kieran hates his parents even more but I had wanted him to leave it all behind. When I watched Kieran talk I knew there was nothing I could say at the current moment to change his mind.

Kieran picked up his phone and I heard the speakers that are around the firepit switch on. He started playing some Drake and I looked up at him with a smile.

I had really affected Kieran and I could tell. It was small things like he started Gotham the series alone and every night he watches an episode. I was watching too but I didn't know what was going on so I just watched blankly watched as Kieran enjoyed the show.  Once in a while he would vent to me about it and I would just listen.

Kieran stood up and pulled me up by my hand and twirled me around. I giggled and we started slow dancing then I looked up at him and he said, 'We are going to be okay.'

He gave me another peck and we continued slow dancing. We went through so many slow dances we did the bachata, waltzed, salsa and we did the swing.

I had no idea Kieran was so good at the dancing and it was really fun to dance with him. I laughed so much, tried and failed so many moves in the process.