unvoiced
Throughout the entire time it took her to tell him about her time outside the wall, his hand stayed on her mark, even when she removed her hand and used it to tell her story.
His eyes stayed on her.
It was easy to see he didn't like her story. Especially the parts when she told him what it felt like to know he was disappearing from her. More and more of him gone until she'd felt like she was all alone in the world. Even with others around her, she'd felt alone.
She told him the only way she could cope was by pretending none of it had ever been real. And that only helped because Julian was always there never letting her give up. Always there not letting her quit or forget that she was needed. She told him all about Adrian and Will, and how they helped save her from the dark void of life without him. Instead of him taking his hand away and being upset when she told him about the kissing and the touching, his other hand ended up holding on to hers because he could feel her regret. Her disappointment in herself.
"I knew I was losing pieces of you and that broke me, but it was also a relief from the constant pain I was always in. It was like when I was under the water. I knew I couldn't breathe, but the need to is too strong to deny. As horrible as all of that was, none of it was as horrible as watching what you went through. Knowing that you went through all of it because of me. Because of my fear. You fought for me until the very end."
Her hand tightened around his. "Even when you thought Hayden was your mate, you struggled with accepting that. You couldn't completely forget me."
Her eyes overflowed with tears and ran down her cheeks. "I hope you can feel how much that means to me. How much it hurts me to know I caused you that pain. Maybe we can be apart, unlike some of the other mates, but I can tell you I'd never choose to do it again. There were some days that just waking up was too hard. I came to depend, not only on Julian but on Hayley, Sin, and even on little Macie. I kept telling myself if she could do it then so could I. At least for a while then it just got hard to be around her because it was sad to see that vacant look in her eyes, and know it was the same look in my eyes. If you were allowed even a moment from having to feel that way, then I'm glad for it."
Jess bit her lip, and his eyes went from watching a tear roll down her cheek to looking at her lips. "I won't lie. When I first got back, I resented you like hell. Even after I found out none of it was your fault. I had waited for you to come for me because you made me believe that we could never be separated."
Feeling his dismay, she picked up his hand and kissed his knuckles. "It wasn't your fault, I know that. You spent so much time putting it into my head that we could never be apart, then when we were, it made me believe that everything you told me was a lie. Even when I knew it wasn't. That's why I don't blame you for being angry and afraid of me. When you love someone, you give them all the power. The power to hurt you, to heal you. Here you were, going through a living hell, and I was out there trying to move on. Trying to find comfort wherever I could find it."
"If they helped you, even for a moment then I am thankful."
"I know, but I know it hurts you, too. Same for me. I want you to stop staying away from Hayden. She's your Adrian. She's meant to offer you comfort. Strength. Just because you are around her doesn't mean you are betraying me, and I'm going to be better about seeing you two together. I guess it just stings that they chose her. You didn't, but they did."
