Nothing Ever Changes

Part 23

"That first time, when I came to see you-" Lindsey began after a lengthy pause. "You said, you noticed a change in my behavior towards the end of the 2013 tour. You weren't imagining things." He cocked his head back to stare up at the cloudless sky. "It was one of the best years' of my life, too. We'd grown so incredibly close again and I enjoyed every single second spent with you. We were friends, we were partners, we were a unit. To me, it felt a lot like saying to Mick all those years ago that we're a package deal." He turned his head towards Stevie, but she was facing away from him. "I don't know, what happened during that time. I just felt like I had you back. We had a lot of fun together." He smiled weakly, that wasn't the beginning of a happy story. "Seemingly with each new day, I... I fell back in love with you bit by bit."

Stevie swallowed the lump of tears forming in her throat. She turned to face him and saw no lies in his eyes. "You don't mean that."

"Of course, I do." Lindsey nodded. "We started hanging out after shows. We forgot about all of the bad stuff that's ever happened to us and only remembered the good. It took you years to learn to trust me again and let me back into your life. Every time we sat together in one of the hotel rooms, late at night, I felt so grateful to be there with you. I know, how badly it hurt you, when we agreed to end our affair back in the early 2000's. It hurt me, too." Lindsey admitted, wanting to reach out and touch her. "We convinced ourselves that we were doing the right thing, but I honestly don't believe that either of us ever recovered from it. You were never just an easy lay for me. We didn't talk about our feelings, but they were always there."

"Lindsey..." Stevie shook her head slightly.

"You asked me to be honest." He said and continued. "The thought that we might never return to who we were to each other was killing me. So, when I felt some of that coming back, I couldn't hold back. I opened my heart to you once again and I don't regret it. Not for a second."

"As did I." She gave a weak shrug of her shoulders, but he already knew that.

"Then those late nights turned into early mornings." Lindsey sighed. "The first time I dared kissing you, I was absolutely certain that you were going to slap me across the face." He grinned and she too mustered up a small smile. "I realized that it wasn't just me, that you felt the same way. I didn't need to ask. What I do regret is that we stopped at the kiss each time. I wanted to show you, how much I loved you."

She closed her eyes and a tear slipped out, rolling down her cheek. "I knew."

"It would have been so easy to forget everything and just give in. Every morning I woke up in your bed, it fucking destroyed me that I had to leave as if I wasn't crazy about you. Each morning I woke up in your bed, I wanted to say, fuck it, kiss you and make love to you the way we used to, I don't know, forty years ago." 

Sniffling, she wiped her tears with the back of her hand and cleared her throat to speak. "What stopped you?"

"I didn't want to hurt you again." Lindsey replied, following Lily's path around the backyard for a minute to compose himself. "I thought that if we didn't cross that line, that way we didn't admit anything to each other. We were too old to have another affair. I was in love with you, I didn't want to have an affair."

Stevie couldn't listen to much more of that. "You still haven't gotten to my question."

Another heavy sigh. "Towards the end of the tour, maybe about a month, before we were supposed to come home, Kristen paid me a surprise visit, while we were in Europe. That's when I decided to do the right thing at last." She was confused, looking at him, eyebrows furrowed. "Kristen and I got into a massive argument. I'm sure the whole floor heard."

"Why would you have an argument on the day your wife decided to surprise you?" Stevie asked, her heart began beating a little faster.

"I didn't even know if you wanted me." He added to clarify. "If you wanted me to be more than your friend. I knew, I wanted you. I told her. I told her that I was in love with you, that I hadn't been so happy in a very long time. I told her about the affair. Everything." Running a hand through his curls, Lindsey turned to Stevie again. "I was ready to leave her for you, again, without even being sure that you wanted that, too."

A fresh set of tears filled her eyes. "I've never did not want you." She admitted in a whisper, feeling her throat closing up. "Wha- what happened then?"

"Well, she used the only thing she had." Lindsey answered, his jaw clenched. "The kids were a lot younger then. Stella was only 9." Closing her eyes, she hugged her knees close to her chest. Her hair fell around her face, shielding it from his stare. "I understood that she had no power to take the kids away from me, but I got scared." Lindsey shrugged. "I was a coward."

"I get it." Stevie said, lifting her head up she took a deep breath. "I understand."

"I stayed because of them, Stevie." He emphasized. "I'm not saying that things didn't get better after that, I'm not saying that Kristen filing for divorce now doesn't sting, but then... then I stayed for them"

"I said, I get it." The words came out sharply, but they didn't anger him. He deserved a lot worse. "I shouldn't have asked." She shook her head, staring ahead, blinking away tears. "I should have left instead."