Their love was about 'I am yours' but secretly they were just possessing the other with 'You're only mine.'
"I am obsessed with him, just him, you don't understand. No one can have him, he's all mine."
- Mania
"I desire him more than anything but...
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Why was it difficult? So, fucking difficult to get rid of this void feeling in his heart, he felt homesick in his own house. He doesn't know what was out of place, he doesn't know why he was feeling this way, Beomgyu just knows that he feels like a stranger, within those very walls that he grew up in.
Taehyun was checking upon him daily, video calls, texts, everything. His parents were spending their time with him, doing all those things he enjoyed doing, he was also actively in touch with his friends. Everything was in place, but in an order that made him uncomfortable.
As if he was sitting in an examination hall with a question paper in front of him, the question seemingly didn't have any problem but it was supposed to be solved and had to be gotten rid, the problem existed but he simply couldn't point his finger at it. He didn't like this feeling at all.
...
Beomgyu was sitting on the couch going through his gallery, smiling at the pictures from a couple of days back, multiple selfies of him with his parents at a picnic, also a video of his mother chasing his dad with a beetle. He stared at this one particular photo for quite a long, zoning out while doing so. Wait, why does his smile feel-, feel different? Was it because he had been staring at it for too long? Did he smile differently or something? No, it was the same smile he had been wearing for ages, but why did it feel offputting?
With the very next tick of the clock, Beomgyu will breed in overthinking. Without the mental awareness you never know where you are headed, and most of us enter the loop of overthinking without any realisation and even after getting to know that we are doing so, we often don't know how to simply stop thinking because, well- our brains don't have a literal switch like our cellphones.
Thinking in loops was a very common thing for Beomgyu, but so was getting out of those loops. He liked his peace state and would return back to it as soon as possible. But now, this loop seemingly doesn't have a way out, the sole purpose being- to cause distress and anxiety.
Doubt.
For the most part of his life, Beomgyu had been uncertain, be it about his career, his schooling, his relationships, his ideas, or just tomorrow. But he landed on his feet perfectly fine, uncertainty did cause him anxiety but it was never permanent, hence he never complained or gave it a thought. But today, a simple picture of his was causing him so much distress, what happened?!
...
Beomgyu could only think of Taehyun that day, infact the day after too, and the day after and- so on- that the last day of his mini vacation arrived. He was excited, no, overwhelmed actually, his initial idea was to enjoy his time with his parents and in his hometown but it quickly shifted to day dreaming about getting back into Taehyun's arms. Although, during their calls, Beomgyu confessed several times that he missed the younger, it always felt that it was just said for the sake of it, because Beomgyu would go blank when he asked himself, why though? The only answer he could makeup was, "Well, because he is my boyfriend!" That didn't feel convincing enough for him, he thought he needed more reasons as to why he was missing his boyfriend.
Feeling guilty over small things, assuming the worse out of nothing, rising suspicions without any evidences, involving himself with thoughts of fairytale like love, there were no intermediate thoughts, there were only extremes, either they were euphoric highs or peak misery. He wants to close his eyes and block everything out for a while and just breathe! He simply doesn't know where this is going.
...
"Yes, he's coming to pick me up!" Beomgyu yelled happily, "Wow, you really are excited, but you still haven't showed us how he looks, or told said about him." His mom smiled as she set up the dinner platters on the table, "You'll see it for yourself." He smiled while helping her, "You sure?" She stopped and held his hand, "Look I want the best for you and don't want you to get hurt ever, but at the same time I don't want to be this interfering parent who always questions their child's choices and never lets them do anything freely, i just don't want anything bad to happen," she looks at him with concern, "Don't worry mom, I trust him," he dismisses by saying so, "And if anything were to happen, I'll face the consequences." He kissed her on the forehead slightly relieving her creased brows. "I am brave, okay?" He chuckles giving his mother the confidence that he'll be fine regardless the outcome.
But he doesn't want to think about it, a future without Taehyun? That just doesn't sound like an outcome he'd be brave enough to face.
...
By 7:30 his dad got back from work, and till he took a shower and got in his comfortable clothes, it was around eight, Beomgyu could feel his heart bearing rapidly, the younger could be infront of him any second.
Taehyun: 'Look outside'
"He's here!" Beomgyu whispered, running towards the door like a child, catching his breath as he opened the door. Stumbling back with sudden force as the person infront hugged him tight, Beomgyu smiled as the familiar scents started kicked in, the mortal cologne, cold metal jewellery stinging against his skin, this all too familiar embrace, he heard the younger smirk near his ear, "calm down, you are shaking," he broke the hug, his arms still wrapped around the brunette, planting a small peck on his cheek in the process.
"Taehyun," Beomgyu finally smiled like himself, not that he realises, but he looks so high in euphoria, you could tell he was letting go something, that he had been holding for long.
