Their love was about 'I am yours' but secretly they were just possessing the other with 'You're only mine.'
"I am obsessed with him, just him, you don't understand. No one can have him, he's all mine."
- Mania
"I desire him more than anything but...
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-Beomgyu-
Seems like he just doesn't trust you.
Knowing that his boyfriend doesn't trust him doesn't feel nice. While he had received confirmation that it had nothing to do with his ability to be trustworthy but rather just his partner's ability to trust, Beomgyu couldn't help but feel bad about himself, despite all the confirmation he got, "No, Beomgyu it is not your fault!" It had to be his fault, he must be lacking somewhere. It fucked up his mind, Taehyun not trusting him? It felt awful.
The guilt pooling in the pit of his stomach, that kiss, he regrets. He hates himself for that, he had given Taehyun just another reason not to trust him, it's all his fault.
Somewhere, it was, indeed his fault, not entirely but a part, yes, he contributed to it.
Minnie's words held no comfort now, no matter how hard she stressed the syllables, Beomgyu got lost in his own head, unable to catch the emotion behind them, the words were just entering his head like data in a computer, with an antivirus to block all the subtexts and implications.
Walking back to the apartment, he felt clueless. Turning blind to the scenery that surrounded him, his mind playing its own strings of worry and sadness, deaf to the winds rustling past him, a view that would have brought solace to him, did nothing other than dictate motion, the only few signs of movement on the deserted road.
The evening had taken its toll on Beomgyu, the last few flowers shed themselves off the trees but nothing brought him out of his stuck state. Every thought was a blurry conclusion or reason surrounding the all-new statement 'he doesn't trust you,' what should he do? Ask Taehyun, why he doesn't trust him. Absurd. Who was Taehyun to answer that? A man who talked in dismissive discords. He would never comply with such requests.
...
It was the beginning of fall, the season of change. A season, that ought to bring change, for the good, we always hope, but fate plays its cards differently every time, maybe it is time for life to play poker and introduce the joker. For the time being, let Beomgyu stand over the thin line, towards the good or bad, Eros will decide.
...
Beomgyu sighed as he entered the apartment, his eyes turning towards Taehyun, who was sitting on the couch with his earphones plugged into an iPod, he would've commented on the inconvenient nature of wired earphones on any other day but today, his mind was fogged. Taehyun wasn't aware of his arrival, in his own world as he wrote something down in a file. He looked different in the night light, it was a full moon night, god bless the time, the slight frown of his eyes, the tight press of his lips, despite the tension in his shoulders, he seemed to be at peace, almost calm as if. Thoughts stalled at the mere sight of the man, he was in love, the confusion, the doubts that bred in his mind came to a halt as Taehyun's eyes bore into his, both hearing his breath hitch, the younger did nothing but signal him towards the spot beside him.
Taehyun sat there, lazy eyes dripping in slight wonder, as Beomgyu walked towards him eyes cast down, nervous, he noticed, why nervous though? The blonde didn't seem to care, he liked the view and he rather not question it, the slight vulnerable figure of the older made his ego swell, he suppose he was the cause of the fiddling hands, and shallow breathing. Taehyun removed his earphones not bothering to turn them off, pulling Beomgyu onto his lap, chuckling as a surprised squeak left the older's lips, "What are you-" "shh love, stay here while I work, hm?" Beomgyu nodded timidly as Taehyun adjusted their position.
Yes, maybe Taehyun doesn't trust him but as Taehyun intertwines their fingers and they sit in silence, in each other's embrace, accompanied by the faint sounds of music from the earphones dangling down the chest he had his head pressed on. The same song replays over and over again, giving Taehyun the constant he needs and the loving grip, giving Beomgyu the chance to hope, to hope for change. His solace right there, holding onto him, as if he were the dearest thing to him even though he had his focus on something else, the fingers that traced circled into his skin gave him enough comfort to forget about his worries.
...
.Taehyun"
Taehyun smiled as he felt Beomgyu fall limp against him, he knew he was staring for too long, now that his thoughts started to cause a ruckus instead of simply commenting on the beauty that lay there, they started questioning the unanswerable. Yesterday, he said he'll have an answer tomorrow but now he knows nothing. Contradictory to his professional life, his personal life ought to be a constant, business was something he could predict, if not predict then anticipate, the options were often limited and predictable with enough experience and guidance, yes there were exceptions but he could solve those problems because it was mere logic and knowledge, he knew that but his personal life? It was supposed to be a constant he could lean back on and somewhere with Beomgyu in the picture, that was being challenged, Beomgyu was a change Taehyun was still trying to accommodate to.
Somewhere, it made him uncomfortable, change in his personal life always did, he doesn't blame it on anyone, but with a new person in the frame, who is not just an acquaintance but apparently a huge part of his life now, he doesn't know where the blame lies.
He was used to seeing the black curtains as he woke up, not brown curtains that hide pretty eyes deep in slumber, he thought he was brave and that he had changed when he spent the past months with Beomgyu, he thought he didn't need the constant he sought after but the day Beomgyu left, he became very well aware that he was just the same loser he was before, a coward who didn't like change, a pretence of a mature man.
After a few hours without him, the fear had engulfed him, he did not wake up to the brown but the old black, utter illogical were his thoughts but the mind does not care. Anxious and scared, even though he knew Beomgyu's exact whereabouts, he knew that the brunette was going to return, yet he couldn't think straight, a simple answer to that would be lack of trust. And the fear that he'll lose control over this new role he was playing. For him to be comfortable, he has to make Beomgyu a constant, where he knows he would never leave him, either that or he removes Beomgyu from his life entirely so that he never has a chance of returning.
But given the current circumstances, the latter seems nearly impossible, he's grown quite fond of the brunette, heck if he makes Beomgyu the constant he can lean on, he's ready to face any situation that confronts them, because situations can be handled, the people need to be the constant, the rest he can handle. And if that's the answer to shut his mind, he better work on it, to possess the mind, not his own but someone that would never think of leaving him, so much that he has to never worry about his own actions.
A sinister smile crept onto his lips at the thought of Beomgyu being his, to control, to cherish, to love? Yeah, to love. A manifestation to pray for, it would be nice, to have all the conformity the world has to offer. It was time, time for mania to be ready, ready to claim and possess because eros was waiting, waiting to be owned and to be addicted.
...
Another chapter done!
Sorry, writer's block moment but the recent interactions people are having with this book gave me enough motivation to start again, thanks for all the support!
