Their love was about 'I am yours' but secretly they were just possessing the other with 'You're only mine.'
"I am obsessed with him, just him, you don't understand. No one can have him, he's all mine."
- Mania
"I desire him more than anything but...
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To say it was a turmoil of thoughts would be an understatement. Clearly, he had no clue of what was happening, his head hurt as if he had banged his head against a train, ignoring the fact that the pain was from stress and that it was not physical.
Calling +82 22X6151999...
"What's up Tae?"
"I don't, I do not know what's happening to me, I was not like like this," he paused "right?, tch tch, I-I am sorry, sorry for bothering you"
"Hey-"
He compulsively threw smashed the phone on the floor. He feels an itch everywhere, an itch he couldn't scratch away, tasting the slight salt from his sweat-dripping forehead as he pursued his lips.
How pathetic could he be to ask for guidance and help?
That's not very Taehyun of him. Providing help was him not asking for help, let alone be emotional help? Shame.
His mind showed no mercy. As a victim of compulsive behaviour, he often acted upon these urges without thinking about their consequences, no matter how horrific it may seem to an ordinary mind, he didn't let doubt breathe, he exhaled the action within the very second it was brought up. He had ended up with bloody hands just because he acted upon the thought to clench hard onto a delicacy like a wine glass so that his brain would simply shut up, ruined shirts with ink and executed tasks with similar endings, demolished by his overwhelmed self.
Today, the chaos was wilder, he was confused, never had he wished for complete shut down of his mind but today as he stood exposed to his calm, it felt strange not knowing what to do.
He knew no other way of existing. Because when Kang Taehyun was angry he acted upon it and it got over! Because when Kang Taehyun was overwhelmed, his compulsive actions resulted in the silencing of emotions. He never questioned his ways, it calmed him down and it was all that mattered and today his calm, didn't bring the well-reserved peace he wanted. Now leaving the apartment with Beomgyu all alone felt useless, he wasn't calm here, what difference did it make?! Argh, he needs to go back to see Beomgyu, he doesn't deserve the harsh treatment.
...
How would he explain himself? He stood there waiting in front of his own apartment, why was a simple task like opening a door taking so much physical and mental energy?! He stepped back inhaling loudly, as worried Beomgyu opened the door. The brunette looked into the younger's eyes as if searching for approval, when he saw nothing but deep worry and sadness, he lurched forward wrapping his arms around the blonde's middle, "I was worried that I did something to upset you, did I?" Beomgyu looked up, Taehyun stayed quiet but pulled him closer and moved inside leaning back against the door, 'atrocious, that I need both physical and emotional support, what a weakling am I?'slowvoiceless comments spun around his head.He squeezed Beomgyu a little tighter than he would have intended but it gave him a distinct sense of security that he didn't want to let go of.
"What's wrong Tae?" The older asked but he was responded by an uncommunicative Taehyun who simply pulled him even closer, Taehyun contemplated, intensively, questioning whether his hatred for his own helplessness was greater than his need for this special someone? Who he had been longing to meet from that very moment he left his embrace a fortnight ago, his absence had made him even more fond of the other but heck it didn't make things easier, it sure made them complicated if anything.
Multiple intrusive thoughts obsessively repeated themselves inside his mind, the bigger problem being he couldn't categorize nor understand them. Weak. Shame. Pathetic. Safe. Shame. Shame. Help. Sick. Love?Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue? Sick. Weak. Not me. Red. Beomgyu.
The underlined words suddenly made sense and were applicable and true. But why wasn't love being underlined in his mind? He was trying to but his subconscious mind failed to try and make sense of that word and fainted out trying, the word paled itself out as Taehyun regained consciousness, trying to understand what had just happened, his face withered with the sadness now, it was just painted in confusion, batting his eyes, slowly coming back in control. Beomgyu pressed his lips lightly against his as soon as he looked down as if some sort of relief possessed him to do so, Taehyun closed his eyes shut at the contact grabbing the back of the brunette's head and pressing hard, not tender but possessive, not emitting a spark between them instead electrifying their blood, stable little positive charges attracting the unbalanced negative charges, forcing some anonymous structure to form and suddenly close wasn't close enough.
Obsession. His subconscious confirmed their proximity, underlining new words, without doubt, obsession.
...
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...
Another chapter done!
Holy grail it has been long, wow, if you are here, please forgive for I have kept you waiting! Like really.
I don't know why it's taking so much energy to write, not that I lack motivation at this point of time but I certainly am lacking the words not literally in vocabulary sense but as in what to write, feelings are complex to write, given that the ones in details hold significance later on too, also the events that fall in between i have them plotted but good lord does it take up mind scrambling to actually get going.
