Memoires of an everchanging spirit

I understand now why it's called "falling" for somebody.

[02.11.21
//ft. intrusive anxiety-fueled thoughts]

(What if this isn't gonna work out?)

I close my eyes as I try to relax my nervous system.
Why can't I rest?
I'm unable to fucking rest.
It's never peaceful in my mind and there is always tension in my body.
My thoughts are racing.

I listen closely to you breathing to distract myself.
Your warm breath on my neck.
I'm feeling the soft weight of your head as you lay down on my chest,
You're listening to my heartbeat and
Your hand is softly resting on my left cheek.

Your gentle touch gives me butterflies.

I can't stop myself but stare at you,
And that makes you feel uncomfortable.
You shy away from my stare.

You keep asking me, what I'm thinking about and sometimes I don't know
And sometimes I don't want to tell you.

I'm watching you and I smile.

You're so fierce and bold and intimidating
And yet you lie here, too shy to come closer,
Too scared to cross my boundaries
But I really want nothing more than to be close to you.

I take deep breathes.
I try to exhale the tenseness of my body.

Your presence is soothing me and I feel like a little part of my soul is healing everytime I spend time with you.

I literally just want to be held

and I feel like the little broken pieces are coming a little closer everytime you hold me between your arms
Everytime you pull me closer
I'm becoming more of a mosaic rather than broken pieces.

I adore you.

My heart feels warm and deep when you're with me.

My feelings for you get heavier by the day
and that scares me
because I feel like you could rip out my heart at any given moment.
I know you'd have the power to do so,
(I've already experienced that)
and I hope you will never make use of that (again).
I know myself and I've seen,
where there is intense joy and love and peace, there can coexist a gaping hole of frustration, anger and agony and that numb feeling you get when you literally sense yourself dying from the inside.
I haven't felt that way in a long time and I don't know if I can handle these somber emotions again.
(You know you used to scare me to death?)
(I know I would get over this but I'm not ready for that)

I feel so easy when I'm with you but I'm perfectly aware that we couldn't ever be "easy".
We're not in a fucking movie.
And we're too complex creatures for that.
I'm thinking of that insane
depth
of emotions
I'm already feeling for you;
and that's literally just the beginning.

And my eyes teared up, as I'm smiling and I watch you laying closely by my side,
because I can't believe this is real.
(Is this reality or is that only happening in my imagination?)
I feel like you're finally mine and I'm so proud to be able to say that

But it's bold of me to assume that I could ever tame a lioness like you.

(Can I allow myself to be happy?)

I feel like when you're with me
you're sweet and soft
like a little cat,
you're snuggling into my chest.
Your breath is heavy.
I remember listening to your heartbeat as we were staring into your laptop.

Your heart is pounding loudly.
It sounds like it's fighting.
And it's strong;
Your heart never rests
but it never gets tired either.

(Am I really happy with you or am I lying to myself?)
(Can I trust my intuition?)
(Why is my anxiety not going away?)

Deep inhale.
Holding my breath a little.
Exhaling slowly.
Trying to release the tension in my body.
(My mind is constantly lying to me and it's so fucking exhausting fighting against it)

[...]

I'm actually impressed by how you keep fighting. You're enduring so much pain,
You're battling your thoughts every day
but you decide to keep moving forward,
You get up every day
and fulfill your duties
And you have my utmost respect.
(I look up to you a lot)

I think you're the only person who truly understands me.
You get me.
And you're familiar to the pain of healing.
And you help me heal too.
You're wise beyond your years

And you're so goddamn caring.
You're empathetic.
And you're so fucking human.
You're one of the kindest and most gentle humans I've ever met.

(FUCK THESE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS!
I DON'T WANT TO DESTROY THIS BY SELF SABOTAGING!)

(I can't stop myself from falling for you)

As I'm writing this down I'm actually getting a little teary-eyed
Because I care so much about you &
you make me so goddamn happy.
And I truly want nothing more than to see you flourish and grow and heal.
I want to hold you.
You're so fucking precious to me.
I'm not giving up on you.
I believe in you.
And you deserve nothing more than to heal.
You deserve the world

and I hope that I can play a part in your healing journey.

We have all the time in the world.

(Yeah but what if this does work out?)