Memoires of an everchanging spirit

Validating myself.// self reflection pt. 1

[21.06.22]

I really didn't understand what impact my words would have.

In general, I didn't know anything I said even could have an impact on anyone;

I didn't know anything I say has impact.

Because I grew up in a home where my voice didn't matter

My feelings and thoughts were diminished

And my words were shut down.

Like, over and over
And again and again over the years.

I grew up in an environment of never being seen and heard and validated

So I figured:
what I say and feel doesn't matter,
like, at all.

That the feelings and thoughts of other people were more important than mine,
as I am the one who got always interrupted and disregarded.

I used to be the child who didn't have a voice

And I gave my best to dismiss my needs and to don't ever speak up so my parents wouldn't make me feel like I'm a burden.

And when it all accumulated and became too much,
Especially during my early teenage years,

I started getting loud.

and angry

and I screamed

and cried

(God, I cried so much)

and I fought for my needs and my rights, which had been disregarded my entire life.

And most of all I fought to be accepted for the person I am -

- not even loved for who I am. I never aimed for being loved.
Just accepted.
I didn't know I was able to be loved properly, because no one ever showed me how.

So when I hear and see today,

years later

That my words now do hold an impact on the people closest around me,

The people I care about the most

I am not really able to believe it.

I feel so so tiny and small and unimportant inside of myself, still.

- This is like my core belief about myself -

That I couldn't imagine my words were able to actually hurt the ones I love

That you're taking to heart what I'm saying and that you're thinking about said things by me.

Turns out people do listen to me,
when they care about me.

And they do apparently love me for who I am, even if that feels strange inside of me as I don't quite frankly believe it yet

And people see me for who I am.

I think my inner child will be forever grateful for fighting the battle of becoming my most authentic self;

Because I had no one on my way.

And no one to support me and have my back while I was screaming and fighting and crying and trying so goddamn hard

That's probably the reason I get so angry and frustrated fastly when I feel unseen or as if my needs aren't being taken seriously.

I'm tired of fighting all the time

But I am a fighter, it's all I've ever known;

Even though I really hate that I tend to pick up fights with my loved ones.

I just don't want to let go of something I had to go to war for to earn and I never used to have growing up: it's validation.