Memoires of an everchanging spirit

Who am I? (Part I) - "I hope there will always be love to guide me"

[Mo, 22.08.22 22:15]

I'm sitting here,
On a hotel bed
In the middle of nowhere in a town I will never visit again.
Just a tatted enby,
sweet person with a big heart and turquoise hair,
sipping cola and watching the fifth season of my favorite show ever, it's called "She-Ra".

One of the main characters, Catra, is finally getting to that long awaited point of her character arc, where she reconnects with the good within her and decides to open up her heart again.
I identify a lot with Catra.
It is canon that she has bpd.
She is passionate and brave, looks cool and has a good heart but she's been hurt and abandoned so much in her life. Even though she has done a lot of bad stuff, I still like her. She deserves the world and to be truly happy.

[...]

I like the purple shirt I'm wearing right now and I like the taste of coke; if I was a drink I would definetely be cola.
But I don't like the weird-ass bug that flew in here and I just caught with a paper-cup; it's buzzing now on the table.
I'm really scared of bugs and insects, especially spiders. Always have been.

I like science-fiction a lot, especially getting lost in mystical fictional worlds, where everything seems a little more magical than real life ever is. I hate it how dull and boring life can be, so I flee into fantasy often. I always did as a kid.

I like adventures and visiting new places on my own.
I like good food and going to restaurants. I like drinking Radler and the fuzzy feeling of getting slightly drunk, that rushes through your veins into your head;
But I don't like feeling the way I do before I follow the urge to drown myself in alcohol (preferably wine) to escape this unbearable feeling of going crazy, when everything becomes too much sometimes.

I like working at the hospital, caring for others, putting a smile on other people's faces. Especially because I know how painful it is to carry this deep sadness and emptiness within me every day.
I like doing things that are meaningful.
When I leave this earth someday, I want to know that I have helped people and brightened up their lives, making them feel seen and heard and understood and cared for. I don't want to die knowing I have wasted my life and my precious time.

I like to make the people closest around me feel important, and I wish I could make them see their worth more.
I have such beautiful souls as friends, there are so many precious human beings around me.

And I'd wish that one day I could see my own worth too,
I think I would finally deserve that.
I try so hard, with everything in me, to be a better person, to be a better and more self-aware version of myself for my loved ones;
I kinda feel like no one ever sees how hard I'm trying and Idk, really recognizes my effort.

I also feel like my whole life consists of being there for other people. It's always been this way.
Whether it's my job, my friends, or the activism I used to do (where I completely burnt out; I'm glad I quit) - it always felt like my purpose was to serve those around me. Serve humanity.

I also have been feeling the majority of my life like I'm being a side-character in my own story. I normally put other people and their needs above me;
And I always believed as a child:
"If I only make myself small enough, uncomplicated enough; everyone would like me and I would feel loved."

My entire life and especially adolescence I've been searching for love; to be loved for the person I am, to be accepted for who I choose to be. My parents made me believe I am a black sheep; they didn't know how to meet my needs and they tried to put these rigid chains on me; they wanted me to conform to the norm, which never suited me.
I'm very thankful for my 16-year-old self, who decided to break through these limitations, fighting to discover my most authentic self.
Without all of this mental torture of several years I had to survive, I wouldn't be here where I am. I'm glad I kept fighting, it was worth it.

And I think I slowly kind of start realizing who I am:

I am courageous and always eager to learn new things and to improve myself. I like knowledge.
I am brave.
I have a strong will.
I guess I'm kind of intelligent?
I am loyal, and I never give up.
I am a dreamer;
And my heart is filled with hope and love.
So much love; it keeps me going.
I am a hopeless romantic and I love to cuddle and I just know it: I give great, warm hugs.
(I think deep down in my soul, I am a cat.)

I thrive during the night time and I love watching the stars and the nightsky;
I am fascinated by the moon.
I like rain and neon-lights reflecting and sunsets.
I like the intensity of raw, human emotions.
I will never ever judge you, as I've been judged my entire life and I know how terrible that feels.
I am very passionate. (I want to get that word tattooed anywhere on my body one day)

I am very bubbly and eccentric and if I feel safe and comfortable with you - you will never get me to shut up or finally get to the point; I can talk like a waterfall and if you experience me like that it's an honor, honestly. Because if I don't feel safe or validated/listened to, I turn completely quiet. I am silent. That's super unnatural for me. I am not a quiet person, deep down in my core; not at all.

I am good with words actually, and I like touching people's hearts with my poetry.
I love communication.
I love music.
I like dancing and getting lost in music, because in these moments my body feels like it's dissolving and these are the only times I feel completely free.

I crave emotional connection.
And I believe in the good in people; I genuinely think that most people (obviously not all of them) have a good heart. Everyone has good and bad sides to them.
But I believe in people usually.
I believe in love and human connection and souls finding each other, promising to each other, without a word, to never let each other go again. I like the way people imprint on each other and help each other become the person they were always meant to be.

And I believe love is greater than human existence; it's more like the root of all living beings.
I feel like without love, nothing on this earth would make sense.
Life is meaningless without love.
Love is also the fuel of my whole being;
that's why I always care so much.
(And I worry too much.)

"I hope there will always be love to guide me on this journey. Leading me,
like a candle always lit." (Paolo Raeli)

I hope I will always be strong enough to keep my heart open;
There's certainly strength in vulnerability.

[...]

This new chapter I'm beginning,
It's for me.
I want to be kinder to myself and I want to feel like I don't depend on anyone anymore, for the first time in, like, forever.
I want to give back to myself and my body for all it has carried me through.
I want to feel alive and to feel safe inside of me.
I think, discovering who I am is long overdue.

And I already see the progress I am making; I feel happier and more content with my life than I've been in a very long while.

How do I design my life to be more fulfilling and enjoyable?
How do I care for other people without losing my sense of self in the meantime?
Who am I really?