Memoires of an everchanging spirit

(thoughts about the anxious-avoidant trap)

[...]

It's kinda interesting how both of us tried to people please the other person to an extent which made us inauthentic.
You over-extended at the beginning to impress me and win me over;
I kept my insatiable needs silent so I wouldn't repell you.
We both hid our true selves.
And as we've seen, both of us are way more damaged than we showed to each other at first.
You've seen the real me and I've probably seen the real you too.

I'm happy you tried so hard for us, while we lasted.
I'm sad you gave up fighting for us as your mental health got worse, I realize you probably had no other choice though.
But I recognize how I was not an easy partner to be around and how much immense pressure I put on you accidentally without even knowing it.
I wish you had let me in more about what's happening in your mind,
How frustrated you truly were with our relationship.
How much was bothering you, which you bottled up and kept quiet instead of just talking to me about it.
I can only guess how many things you didn't tell me that upset you deep down and kept piling up.
I'm sorry what you tried to tell me didn't reach my ears.
I'm sorry I most likely made you feel like you couldn't talk to me about these things.
I guess a lot - when not most - of our fights and struggles were because of poor communication. It's like we spoke completely different languages. I never really understood why you behaved the way you did while you also probably never truly understood my ways of behaving.
And I'm afraid I made you feel like you weren't enough and I'm genuinely sorry for making you feel this way. No one should feel that way.

It's not about you or me anymore.
We just weren't compatible in the end I guess and most likely both of us weren't healed enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
It's crazy how I only realize all of this after the break up;
All the little ways I've hurt you during our relationship.
It's like I was blind for so long.

I don't even know what probably felt worse in comparison:
Me feeling abandoned and lonely over the majority of our relationship,
Feeling like you cared less and less about me until I slowly turned into a burden to you -
Or you feeling like the pressure I put on you increased more and more and like you were drowning under the weight, feeling unseen and unheard, feeling like you failed at being who I wanted you to be.
We both triggered our biggest insecurities and fears but also at the same time made room for us to grow from this.
It's the anxious-avoidant-trap.
Neither of us did this on purpose, that's why I can't even be angry at you and I hope you can forgive me one day too.
Neither of us acted right, but it's how our brains programmed itselves to survive.

I contributed to you distancing yourself from me, because I behaved in ways that pushed you away;
Meanwhile you behaved in ways that made me feel so anxious that I didn't know how to cope, other than clinging to you even more.

This relationship definitely opened my eyes and gave me an opportunity to work on myself and especially my attachment style.
I most likely hurt you just as much as you hurt me; just in different ways.
Even though we aren't together anymore, I'm still glad I learned this now.
I hope I can one day talk to you about this and give you closure, because I think I never gave you the closure you deserved.

//posted from my notes