[11.02.24]
I find myself searching for home
for my entire life
An abandoned child, heart always bleeding, forced to stay alone and quiet their heart down, so they wouldn't dare to disturb
This world I live in was never made for me
My parents' home was cold and distant and I never felt seen or understood by them
I never felt safe
I got so used to being misunderstood and never appreciated
Then suddenly by the age of 19 I found a home in someone for the first time, in the arms of the scorpion I once believed I would've spent the rest of my life with;
a glimpse of home and warmth and being genuinley seen before it all shattered and I had to let them go again
Somehow I then found a father-like figure giving me safety and comfort and needed help I never experienced growing up
This little home consists of a chosen uncle, a cousin and a little niece to me
But I know that I'm merely a guest there;
and I watch as my chosen "home" turns colder and more distant with every time I visit,
They may be a family to me but it's their home,
their four walls,
I'm always only a guest
I'm not a part of anyone's home
My home is just a place I live in
Which I observe more clearly than ever now with the only genuine family I have,
my twin-sister - who is my best friend -
moving away from our little home in only 2 weeks to live up to her big dreams in this big city one and a half hour away from here
Of course I am a friend, to many, but in the end I'm just existing alone with no one feeling truly responsible for my well being
I am not a child anymore.
I never thought becoming a grown up would be such an isolating experience.
I yearn to find a home someday,
Where I can rest
and find peace,
where I'll be able to stay
and feel always welcome and safe
and loved
I guess I never had a home,
A place I belong
•
Is it possible to find a sufficient home for myself inside of me?
I need to learn how to let go
I need to let it all go,
everything from my past that's been holding me back
Surrender
Only then, maybe, I will find freedom and peace within myself
No one will ever come to rescue me so I might best let myself fall into the arms of the world
Until I arrive somewhere more beautiful
at the core of my own being
And until then I guess I'll create art to soothe myself through the waves //
YOU ARE READING
Memoires of an everchanging spirit
Poetry„Memoir" (french: memory) //unfortunately, I can't turn off the swirling thoughts and memories in my head, but at the same time there is so much I never want to forget this is my life and I want to remember how I felt during these crucial moments w...
