Memoires of an everchanging spirit

electricity

I never knew how much strength there actually is buried inside of me and I still don't know how to use this strength

When I watched the videos of little me being 3 years old, I broke out in tears and hyperventilated as I saw how unfairly I was treated

I've always been misunderstood

I know I've chosen an incredibly difficult lifepath for myself

I want to experience it all
I want to know it all
I want to be the happiest little human being
But I also want to see all this pain and terror
I want it all
I want to feel it all
I want to feel alive
I am extraordinarily human
I understand life in a way most of the people don't
I know how horrible life is and that most of them live like NPCs in a fake little bubble in their heads, pretending they're happy
But no one's happy, I mean how could you be happy in a cruel world that makes you sick every day?
And most people are so conflicted within themselves, so the destruction spills and multiplies and spreads

I could never get angry at anyone, because I understand their actions and their motives too well
I forgive people who've done me wrong
But I desperately need to learn how to protect myself from other people's hatred and rage or else I will never be able to lead a life in peace

I am a friend of humans
I know I have a good heart, as the little 3 year old person in this video also always had the kindest heart
Such a soft human being
I never changed
And no one can handle this kindness
It's like I'm too kind in a too cruel world

My friend has recently asked me, why I'm so kind to him
And he's been through all the horrors of life, literally anything you can imagine with all the worst possible outcomes, over and over again
And I reply to him:
"why shouldn't I be kind to you?"
And my response startled him
Even him can't deal with this, because he's never experienced people being that kind to him, and he's so much older than me and he radiates so much strength and kindness
I see so much of myself in him,
I guess when I'm older I will turn out exactly like him
I just hope I won't turn out so scarred by life

He told me I will never find the love I am searching for
Because no other person will have the capacity to genuinely care so much about other people and give as much as I do
I've mastered the art of being kind to people even if I'm in severe pain and even when I'm tormented myself
I would never hurt anyone on purpose
It's easier for me to get hurt than to hurt others and that's not good; I can't afford to abandon myself like that anymore
I'm striving to have absolute control over my heart and emotions now, I'm really trying to get there and I'm on a good way

I don't multilpy pain, I break right through it
I am a healer, it's my destination.
And oh my, I could heal so many people with the capacity I have in me
But hardly anyone would be able to do the same for me
And most take advantage of it
So I'm stuck alone with myself in my heart
And now I have to get used to sitting with it

Loneliness will always accompany me
People come and people go
People die
People change
I cannot hold anyone close to me who wants to leave
I will welcome people into my life and I will hold the door open for them when they leave, and then gently close it behind me;
I am like a resting spot on a highway people stop by on their journey to heal themselves, and then they move on and leave me behind
I know I leave an impression on everyone I meet,
I am incredibly alive, just like electricity
I give a little of my vitality to every person I care about
And I'm glad if I could help, by the time they decide to leave

I won't have an easy life
I will spend most of my lifetime being alone but maybe I won't be lonely
God, I have so many ambitions and goals I want to reach in this lifetime
So it's best I learned how to be good on my own now, how to let go, as it will be an integral part of my future
I will always be misunderstood
And I will see it all,
Experience it all.
I am grateful for every experience I have had in my life, no matter if it destroyed me or not, no matter how much I've been hurt,
Because all of these experiences have only made me more human
This is what life is about
I want to grow and expand my mind and the capacity in my heart
I want to be indestructible
I am destined to achieve greatness and god,
no one said this path would be easy.

It's incredibly difficult to see life for what it is and trying to balance this with keeping my heart open//