Memoires of an everchanging spirit

[Tw: severe homophobia]

[29.09.22]

I really forgot; didn't I?

I simply forgot.

I forgot my teenage years,
they're erased from my memories

I don't remember being 15 or 16

It's gone.

It's like it has never happened

Where did it go?

Where did my youth go?

It's just too painful to remember, but it's the reason why I turned out the way I am.

My therapist made so many painful memories resurface of the way I felt the majority of my teenage years.

I felt wrong, and I didn't belong.
I was fundamentally wrong for the person I am, but I didn't have a choice!
I am who I am
And I was who I was
And I really like the way I turned out to be today, 5 years later
But still a little part of me believes I'm wrong

They made me believe I'm fundamentally unlovable.
I mean, being gay is an anomaly,
"It's adam and eve"
"How do you know you're really gay if you haven't tried fucking a boy"

"I do believe you, that you loved her,
But I'm afraid she just was never into you.
Maybe she wasn't into girls after all, I'm sorry you interpreted so much into it."
"Your relationship wasn't serious anyways"

"Why do you dress like a boy? You are not one of these transsexuals, aren't you?! Don't scare mama and papa like that!"

"I'm sure this is just a phase and one day you will find the right man"

"So it didn't work out between you and a boy, right? And now you choose the easier way? To just become a lesbian? You want to be one of these gross butches? You deserve so much better! You deserve a man by your side. What about your children?"

„What will the other parents think about us now, vica? You're putting us in an uncomfortable situation, you know that?"

But what about me, dad?

The whole world already is so hostile towards me.

I really hoped to have a little safe space at home,
That at least my own parents would take me as I am and provide me shelter. Some kind of support in these stormy adolescent years.

I feel like I grew up without parental figures because as soon as the full impact of your homophobia hit me,
I knew it was only me left.
I was the only one to save myself.
I am the only one I could trust.

It was always war at home and only when I was alone in my room with my door closed; it's the only glimpse of safety I had.

Fuck you.

I wonder why I even still talk to you.

You don't deserve my kindness.

And I will never. forgive you.

The emotional violence you threw at me, these hours and weeks of mental terror -

I still feel like this scared little child.
I still feel unlovable pretty often, or I have an extremely low selfworth.
I only now start feeling like I belong
And I really wish I could hug my 15 year old self and tell this little innocent person that they are perfect and so so lovely the way they are,
That they are charismatic and beautiful inside and out and that one day they will find the right friends and they will be in such a goddamn beautiful relationship with a human that genuinely loves them for who they are, who treats them right, who is everything they ever dreamed of.

You will get there one day, honey, vica.
Stay strong. I know you're scared.
You didn't deserve all of this,
You really didn't.
I wish it was different, love.