[21.05.2022]
At this point I'm barely even alive.
My breathing is flat and my body's struggling to keep my head above the water.
Empty eyes.
All the pain I hold tightly in my chest bursts out of my eyeballs in the evenings,
when I dare to connect with my feelings;
And this sadness and emptiness starts feeling a little too familiar.
I never thought I would end up in this mental hell again.
I thought I let this pain behind.
I feel like I'm forced to evolve,
but I forgot what change feels like.
Have I gotten a little to comfortable in my skin?
"Have you forgotten,
Vica?
Don't you remember?
You're the everchanging spirit."
But I hate change.
I thought it's time for me
to experience what it's like to feel grounded,
for the first time in my life?
"You haven't reached
your full potential yet.
It's time to evolve."
But why does change
has to be so excruciatingly painful?
"See, you don't want to change."
I hate letting go.
I'm not good at this.
I'd rather ignore change
and shove it away.
That's easier for me.
"Because you haven't learned
this lesson yet.
So It's my duty to throw new challenges
in your way,
until you finally learn."
You won't ever give me a break,
do you?
This has already been
the toughest year of my life.
I'm trying to have trust in your plans,
but I'm afraid I'm not strong enough
to handle all of this.
It's 5 more weeks to go,
And I've already died several times inside.
"You're aware,
you never stop healing?
This lesson also won't be over in 5 weeks yet.
And you wouldn't have to endure all of this
if you weren't ready for this.
level up, Vica.
You have to evolve."
But why
won't anybody help me with this?
Why do I have to face everything
all on my own?
I'm breaking apart.
This is something you have to endure alone.
This is my biggest lesson for you.
And you will succeed.
This too, shall pass.
And you'll get out of this stronger,
and more resilient
than you've ever been before.
But I'm afraid I will be
a completely different person after this.
I'm a mosaic
and I don't know what to do
with all of these scattered little pieces.
I'm so goddamn scared.
And I've never felt so lonely inside my skin.
Have trust in the process,
little phoenix.
You will rise
and you will be better than before.
I'm asking you for a little patience.
It's time to evolve and enter the next era.
I admit,
I don't want to continue living like this.
Change's indeed been overdue I guess.
And I trust you.
I'm really trying my best.
YOU ARE READING
Memoires of an everchanging spirit
Poetry„Memoir" (french: memory) //unfortunately, I can't turn off the swirling thoughts and memories in my head, but at the same time there is so much I never want to forget this is my life and I want to remember how I felt during these crucial moments w...
