*Me & her on the phone*
"You know, I feel like life's been really strange lately.
This evening, after work, I was standing at the bus station,
enjoying the fresh november-night-air.
And I lighted a cigarette.
And as I inhaled the smoke and breathed out,
I started smiling.
It wasn't because of the cigarette,
And I wasn't even listening to music, you know.
I was just smiling at the thought of the current happenings in my life;
Laughing at how beautiful my life is right now and how happy I am in the present moment.
And even though this - in fact - is a very precious feeling;
That whole 'feeling at peace with my life' right now,
It doesn't feel real.
Like, at all.
I can't accept it. I can't believe this is real.
Like, everything goes so smoothly and peacefully.
It kinda scares me.
Because the last time I was so at peace with my life, that was in June,
literally 2 weeks later everything came crashing down and it was a really really hard time for me.
And generally I feel like I don't deserve happiness and it never lasts either way.
I'm so confused.
Why can't I just allow myself to be happy?"
"I think I know what you're doing right now.
I know that feeling."
"What do you mean?"
"You're waiting for 'the fuckening' to happen."
"I'm waiting for the -
The what?"
"The fuckening."
"What's that supposed to mean? Wtf"
"You say yourself that you're not used to everything going so well in your life.
Because you're used to chaos and one misfortune happening after another.
And now, where there isn't anything inherently 'bad' happening to you,
you get paranoid
because you're not used to peace.
And that bad luck you're waiting for;
that catastrope that - in your mind - is sitting, waiting right around the corner;
that's 'the fuckening'.
You understand now?
"Yeah I think so.
That's pretty wise of you."
"- And you know maybe there indeed is something not-so-nice awaiting that's probably gonna happen soon;
but that's just life
and life is unpredictable as hell.
And you've made it through it all.
That means:
one 'fuckening' will not destroy your happiness, because I'm sure you're gonna get trough it
as well.
Besides,
You absolutely deserve to be happy.
Just because you're not used to it,
doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed to experience joy and happiness and feeling alive. Enjoy the moment, as long as it's there.
And don't let the fear of 'the fuckening' happening destroy your happiness now,
Ok?"
YOU ARE READING
Memoires of an everchanging spirit
Poetry„Memoir" (french: memory) //unfortunately, I can't turn off the swirling thoughts and memories in my head, but at the same time there is so much I never want to forget this is my life and I want to remember how I felt during these crucial moments w...
