Memoires of an everchanging spirit

stability has never felt this lonely.

It seems like all I do nowadays
Is work
and sleep
and eat

Actually a lot of working
Being sleep-deprived at work
I care after people who can't eat on their own.
For some of them,
All they wanna do is stay asleep all day
And it's me who pushes them out of their beds and gets them dressed and makes sure they are alright and properly cared for

I'm falling asleep without coffee
And sometimes I'm so tired I fall asleep while standing
Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to eat
But then I remind myself that I should be taking care of myself at least as good as I take care of my patients at work

At home, I'm often falling asleep
out of boredom
or loneliness
or both
Sometimes, I sleep anxiety and pain away
Because if you're not awake
time passes by so much faster
You can't feel pain when you're asleep.

It's a pretty isolating feeling when your whole life seems to consist of being at work.
It's like all I do nowadays,
Inbetween working
and sleeping
and eating,

Is waiting for time to pass as fast as it can.
I try to skip the present moment,
I'm rushing somewhere

Somewhere where my heart feels happier and where my life makes more sense
Where it's lighter
And life's more than just all of this

How the fuck is it already the end of december?
What happened to this year?
Summer cut it all in half
I feel like I don't remember most of this year
It's been so monotonous
But there were times where everything was easier and brighter and more colorful
I mean
In a way it's currently not as bad as it used to be before
And I do love my work
and building connections with the humans I care for
They're so grateful for the work I do for them
It's so easy to make them happy and please their needs
And they tell me they're always happy to see me at work; I think they genuinely like and respect me

Too bad work consumes so much life energy out of me
I don't really have the energy to maintain my hobbies after work
My friends are so busy all the time,
feels like I never get to see them
But I'm too busy or too tired either way to reach out to them

At the one side my life has never been more stable than it is now,
I mean, I think I've never felt this stable before.
I've really grown the past few months.
But at the same time I feel like boredom and loneliness and all of this patience is turning into numbness
I can't really tell the difference

And I don't know what I'm looking for

I know I'm finishing this year on way better terms than I did last year,
I'm so much happier and I think this is the closest I've ever been to inner peace, in a way.
Maybe stability does feel boring,
because I'm not used to it.
My inner self has never been calmer.

I'm genuinely tired of feeling this lonely
I know there are people I am important to
But at the end of the day I'm still alone
And I feel alone
And it's just the way life goes.
I'm on my own again and I sit in silence,
I'm doing it right now,
It's like it's meant to be my destination and I just don't want to make friends with this void that has accompanied me my entire youth.

I feel this urge to change my life next year so badly
But I don't know what I'm searching for exactly
I guess only time will show
And hopefully time will bring happiness.

[19.12.22]