Memoires of an everchanging spirit

a chapter about having bpd

[16.11.23]

[TW: depression, death, bpd rage]

••

And again, I fail to realize that this thing called "borderline personality disorder" will forever accompany me, no matter what I want to believe about myself

It's in every cell of my body, even if I try to ignore it

I live with an intensity hardly anyone around me understands

I understand music to a degree that I dissolve in it when I dance

I cry happy tears and so many sad tears

I'm so moved by everything happening around me

I fight for justice, especially when it's concerning my loved ones and I'm fighting for their wellbeing

I am the best therapist for my sister as I am wise beyond my years

For fuck's sake, I love so intensely and fiercely and I am able to give and give and give to an extent I just know that no one could ever reciprocate, as no one would be able to do the same for me

•

Over the last months I got so used to this inner peace, and feeling normal in the way a person with bpd could ever feel normal

Now it's getting dark outside again and I can physically feel the darkness trying to devour me again, like a black infection creeping up on me and trying to pull me back in it's chains

and still somehow I manage to outrun this everlasting race with death,
I shake it off and I keep outrunning it and it costs me so much strength not to fall back into it

I'm at the brink of relapsing but I'm still running and running and I will keep running,
Because I can't afford to fall back into depression,
I honestly don't know if I can survive another severe depressive episode this year

•

Martin told me he saw my future in my eyes when he met me for the first time, and that's why he had to immediately intervene

Because I know that he's right when he tells me he saw my end;
It would've been somewhere around april/may when I would've accidentally drank too much and smoked too much, to escape this emotional pain I've been in;
it would've simply ended with me dying of intoxication. My funeral would've been around the end of spring.

And I don't know how to thank him enough for saving my little ass from dying too soon

I am so happy I didn't die at the beginning of this year and I was shocked to find out how high the stakes of it happening actually were

I am so fucking happy to be alive even though living kinda sucks and these everyday struggles seem to become harder by the day again

•

And now it's almost winter

And now I met her

And now she's unlocking all of my insecurities again

And I'm so goddamn vulnerable

She doesn't know what it's like to have bpd

And I'm not doing it on purpose but for the first time in months I'm regularly having bpd-episodes again, I almost forgot what they felt like

I hate how I'm feeling like a borderliner all over again, but oh wonder, it's a personality disorder and it will never go away, who would've thought!

And as long as I avoid my triggers I'm feeling happy and at peace with myself