Memoires of an everchanging spirit

Apparently, I'm in the midst of an identity crisis and Idk what to do with it.

[15.02.23]

I don't have any idea of who I am

I literally don't know who I am

I had completely lost myself

Even though I know it's not true, it seems like my whole sense of self existed of being with them for the past 1.5 years

My whole emotional life revolved around them

And before that

I was hyperfixated on my toxic-ex-bestfriend

Or on literally any romantic partner / every failed dating stage, ever

I WAS
ALWAYS
DEPENDING
ON SOMEONE ELSE
SO I WOULD'NT HAVE
TO LOOK
INSIDE
MYSELF.

I may have reduced my codependent tendencies a lot, over the years.
I haven't had a favorite person since spring 2021.
I worked a lot on creating a sense of selfworth and a daily life I - generally - enjoy living.

But I never learned how to be with only myself.

I never learned to be happy only by myself

I always needed to fill this deep ass void by hyperfocusing on someone else

What the actual fuck

I think I'm finally getting to meet myself, even if I don't want to

I think my inner self wants to be met my me

And it's fucking scary

And I hate every second of it

Because I have never felt so goddamn lonely in my entire life.

I don't even like being with myself that much,

And now I get to spend an infinite amount of time only by myself??

And I don't fucking know how this works

I hate this

I hate how I'm feeling now that I'm leaving this weird state of dissociation

Maybe I always chased emotionally unavailable people,
Because I've never learned how to be emotionally present within myself.

I love distracting myself from it

I love being there for everyone else and filling my life up with their drama,
So I don't have to look inside myself and actually take care of my inner world

I've been depending on other people to distract me and make me happy - in a way - since I've been, Idk,
16 years old?

Nearly 5 fucking years of my youth

I've spent

By never truly being alone by myself

Maybe I don't know who I am

Maybe I've never had a solid sense of identity

Because I've succesfully avoided to ever meet myself

And now I'm here

And I hate it

And I feel so fucking uncomfortable in my skin

And truly, I don't know who I will meet if I really look inside myself

No more romantic interests from now on, I'm done
No more favorite persons for friends;

No more obsessing over fucking anyone.

I'm turning 21 in a few days and I have probably never even met myself.

(As someone who has been diagnosed with borderline,)
I think I'm realizing only know that my sense of self has always depended on other people

I don't know who I am without other people reflecting that back to me

I feel like an empty shell that consists of all the people who have ever been important to me

In a way it's cute,
being a mosaic of all these precious people I've loved in the past

But where is this little spark inside of me,
The thing called „identity"?

Where is „me"?

I've lost and buried it inside of myself a long long time ago

And I'm really afraid of searching for it,
Underneath all of these layers of myself I've created throughout the years

- The only thing I can do is being gentle to myself while working through this identity crisis.
It means being honest with myself now
And accepting myself for who I really am.

It's work that is long overdue.

I guess time will show what will come out of this

I wish I could say I'm excited,
Or some other motivational shit,
Like I always do

But in fact,
I am not.

I'm scared and I'm fucking lost.

There is nothing „beautiful" or „poetic" about this right now.
I can't even romanticize this,
As I usually do with literally everything in my life.

It's ugly and brutally honest

It makes me feel like shit

But yea I guess I gotta get through this now;
There is no way around it anymore

I know I will get through this