Memoires of an everchanging spirit

one-sided relationships will be the death of me someday.

Another failed relationship

And another one who's not ready to accept what I have to offer

Another time getting my hopes up just for everything to fall apart

I'm punching through walls around hearts,

My knuckles bleeding

Stumbling around
Empty handed

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet a love, brave and graceful

A warmth that will take my hand and tell little me: "hey, you can finally lean back and rest, you don't have to be always in charge. I will care for you now"

Apparently this is too much to ask for

I'm tired of fighting for nothing and nothing again

At least this time I stood firmly on my boundaries on how I want to be treated, which apparently accelerated the process of this relationship ending

I have not a single inch of patience left in my body anymore

I'm tired of things not working out no matter how hard I fight

I'm so tired of fighting

I just want peace and quiet

I achieved this inner peace once last year and I can't afford to lose it another time

I can't allow my psyche to shatter after all I have achieved

I can't afford coldness again
and distance
and another "I'm sorry, there's too much going on right now, I need to figure out how to bring everything under one roof"

Over and over again

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE?

WHY AM I NEVER SOMEONE'S PRIORITY?

WHY DO I HAVE TO BEG FOR THE BARE MINIMUM?

Why am I made to believe that loving me is too hard for anyone to do?

Goddamn I just want a fucking healthy relationship

I am not being overdramatic or clingy for having normal relationship needs

For wanting security, warmth and stability

If the level of commitment and healthy communication and accommodating to each others needs, required for a healthy relationship - is too much for you, then PLEASE for god's sake, please stay away from me

Don't anyone dare disturbing my peace and my big fucking heart again without offering gentle love and warmth and genuine commitment in return

I'm not fucking around with emotionally immature and unavailable people

A human being always suppressing her emotions, too scared to face her own feelings and challenge herself into becoming a better person

It's not my job to save anyone from themselves

And it's also not my job to teach anyone how to communicate healthily and how talking about one's needs should work

If you're not ready for a real and deep relationship
If you're not ready to grow
Or commit

Please stay the fuck away from me

I'm so done with this bullshit

I'm so done with constantly being neglected

I swear, one-sided relationships will be the death of me someday

I'd rather stay on my own this time, thanks.