Memoires of an everchanging spirit

Being diagnosed

[17.09.23]

On wednesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.

I told him about how I stopped taking my antidepressants (not abruptly, I slowly and gradually reduced) without talking it through with him first. I mean offficially, I don't fit the criteria for depression anymore, right now (my therapist told me on our very last appointment before I finished therapy) - for the first time in 5 years. I guess this is what it feels like to feel "normal", like I'm not exactly happy all the time but I don't feel this everlasting dread, this black pit in my stomach anymore, trying to drown me from the inside. I guess it's still there, and always will be there, but I manage pretty well at not giving it too much power over me and my daily life. I hope this pit won't catch me again anytime soon.

So at first I was scared of telling my psychiatrist, but I immediately explained that regarding my current mental state, that has been lasting for maybe idk 3 months, I don't feel any effect from taking my antidepressants except for all these terrible side effects, like horrible nightmares all the time, big troubles falling asleep, restless-legs-syndrome, you name it.
I didn't mean to be an incompliant patient who doesn't take their meds though, because I know how annoying this is as a nurse myself.
He actually took it pretty well, saying he understands my way of thinking and that he's supporting my decision.

Towards the end of the appointment he asked me whether I have any questions left or anything else I'd like to ask him. So I went:
"Well there's this topic actually... For the past few weeks I have been looking more into myself, trying to find out why I am the person I am. And I'm not a fan of self-diagnosing, but there are more and more little things I noticed about myself which are - looking at the bigger picture - leading me to assume I might be on the autistic spectrum. Is there any chance we could maybe, idk, fill out some questionnaires? Would that be possible? I wouldn't even want to make it a whole official thing, it's just for myself, because this would explain quite a lot about me and the way I grew up and how I behaved during childhood. Like it would really explain a LOT."

He looked at me with very curious eyes and asked me what lead me to believe that.

"Well as a child there was this thing, I saw it on the videos my mum brought home from russia. When my mum would put me and my sister to bed, I would literally get into a full blown tantrum when the ends of my blanket weren't tucked in properly into the corners of my bed. Like I would get MAD and start screaming and everything. Also, my stuffed animals had to be in a very specific order at the end of my bed (funny thing is, I still kind of remember this odd order) and also my favorite stuffed animal right next to me had to be covered with the blanket too, or else I wouldn't physically be able to sleep.
- Or the fact I have always been incredibly articulate and good with words and by the age of 11 I had the vocabulary of a grown adult.
I also talked to grown ups like a grown up myself and would get really angry when f.e. my parents promised me something and wouldn't keep their word. Like I would call them out on how it's morally wrong to promise something without following through, I think I was 5 years old then.
- I literally had no social skills growing up so I got myself a book on how to socialize and make friends my age. This was never something that came naturally to me."

My psychiatrist listened to me carefully and then asked me a few questions about how I manage my day to day life. Whether I have problems structuring my time, if I become bored and fidgety easily. (He even asked me if it could possibly be that I'm a highly gifted person; gotta admit I kinda felt flattered and I answered with "yes".)

"Miss, actually I would rather suggest that
you might have ADHD.
ADHD is not all about being hyperactive, as it's portayed in media and what most people know from hearsay. Especially in women it's more about an inner turmoil, having trouble focusing and especially paying attention to subjectively boring topics, having problems with structure and organization and chronic procrastination, and many more. From how I perceive you, you mainly fill all the criteria."